Post # 1
I need some advice…my fiancee and I are having a very small immediate family only wedding. I have told my mom from the beginning that it was going to be immediate family only. Apparently she did not realize what immediate family means because once she heard that I wouldn’t be inviting my uncle and aunt ahe had a melt down and said that she would pay for them to come etc. But honestly I just wanted it to be the “immediate family” regardless of cost so I stuck to my guns (considering that we really just wanted to elope in the beginning). Well now my mom doesn’t want to tell my aunt that I am not inviting her to the wedding and has left me to inform her, which is fair. My question is how do I do it? I mean, we rarely talk on the phone. We did talk on the phone when I got engaged but that was over a year ago and I feel awkward calling her out of the blue just to inform her that she is not invited to the wedding. It seems a little harsh and perhaps making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Keeping in mind it is not as though my aunt has been asking me about any of the wedding details etc. Should I bother going to the trouble of letting her know that she is not invited? or just not send an invite? We are not really worried about my uncle as he probably wouldn’t come any way. Thanks is advance.
Post # 3
@S0InL0v3: I am in a similar situatuion. Fiance and I wanted a very small ceremony and my Dad really wants his brothers and sisters there (he has 11 siblings)! But if we did that then we would have to invite my mom’s siblings and FI’s aunts and uncles and it would just get way out of hand. I felt bad but I had to tell my dad (just last night actually) that we were keeping the ceremony as is. I don’t think he’s upset but I know he would have loved to have everyone there.
Anyway, you can just have your mom explain to them that she was mistaken and you guys actually are just having immediate family. It is not about money (I had to tell my dad that too because he offered to pay for all the extra people as well).
Post # 4
Etiquette Snob here… lol
Ok this is NOT YOUR PROBLEM
This is a PROBLEM that your Mother created…
Your way of “telling your Aunt” is merely by the fact that she won’t be getting an Invitation in the mail.
And at some point she is going to figure it out…
In which case one of 2 things will happen
(A) She will call Your Mother to ask what is going on… then your Mother will have to handle it
(B) She will be truly brazen / BOLD (running close to RUDE) and call you up personally… to inquire WHERE HER INVITE IS in which case you’ll get to say:
“Aunt Mary I am really sorry if My Mother led you on… it was not her place to do so. We have said we were having a SMALL Intimate Wedding ** right from the beginning. Unfortunately Mom didn’t listen very well… and she told people who we unfortunately cannot invite”
And that is it, that is all.
** NOTE – Notice I didn’t put in Family to the phrase “Small Intimate Wedding”… cause that would hurt your Aunty more in so much as she is Family.
As to Mom… you can forever keep repeating your vision of the Wedding… or you can stop sharing details. If you are paying (and not her) then hostly you owe her very little in the way of knowing info, or having a say in things. She is still your Mom, and the Most Honoured Guest at the event (vs being the Host if she was the one footing the bill)… but she’d still be a Guest.
Hang in there…
Guest Lists, Budget and “Other Peoples Expectations” can take their toll.
(( HUGS ))
Hope this helps,
Post # 5
I had a small wedding. I mean, bigger than yours – 38 guests- but thats still relatively small. Honestly… I just didn’t say anything. When friends/relatives/coworkers that weren’t invited brought up my wedding in conversation I just made it clear that it was really small and intimate. If someone asked about the planning I’d say something like, “oh its going well. Its such a small wedding that there really isn’t a lot of stress or anything” and things like that. I just found ways to sneak it in that its small, that way people didn’t expect an invite and they’d understand that it wasn’t personal.
People have small weddings for all sorts of reasons – they don’t like being the center of attention, they only want the closest people in their lives to surround them that day, to save money, etc. We didn’t choose to have a small one due to cost, but cost was kind of an easy scapegoat to use. “Weddings are so expensive! I can’t believe the cost!” I’ll be honest.. I used that excuse a few times. No one confronted me about not being invited or anything, I guess I just a little felt guilty about it.
Anyway, I LOVED having a small wedding and have absolutely not one regret about it. I would honestly have your mother talk to your aunt since she is the one that mistakenly invited her. Just have her nicely say that you’re having an uber small wedding and that she was mistaken about the guest list.
Post # 6
@S0InL0v3: You don’t have to tell someone they AREN’T invited…not getting an invitation does that for you.
Post # 7
@This Time Round: +1
Not your problem. Just don’t send her an invite.
Post # 8
Thanks for the help ladies yes I’m just going to do what I initially was going to do which is simply not give an invite. I think my mother is just over reacting.