(Closed) Telling Girls They’re Not in Your Wedding Party

posted 12 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This is a tough one. I have two friends who keep hinting about being bridesmaids and it’s kind of crummy, because it’s not that you don’t value them or respect them, but your wedding is about you and your fiance and your bridal party (imo) should be composed of your closest friends and family. I would just ignore it and if it comes up just be honest but not in a harsh way. Eek, I don’t know, hopefully someone here has some good advice for both of us!

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t just bring it up to them.  Maybe they aren’t all that concerned about it.  And if you just start going in about how you really would have liked to….but there were already so many….and we just aren’t like we used be…  I think you are risking putting some (or more) strain on you relationship.  Maybe they’ll be put off thinking you are saying you aren’t close to them anymore.  Maybe they’ll be turned off because it comes across like you’re assuming “of course everyone wants to be in my wedding!”

I think what you’re wanting to do is not just leave people hanging and wondering (in case they are) right?  I think offering something else is a way to do that.  But you’ll want to try to figure out if they’d really care to do something.  Personally, if felt someone was trying to offer me a “consolation” to keep the peace or something, I would probably turn it down.  Could you involve them in some of the planning?  Cake tasting maybe?  Can’t complain about that.  Or maybe in e-mailing or talking you could casually say something like, “Sorry, I can’t make it tomorrow, I have to take the girls to pick out Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses.”

The only sticky wicket you might encounter is the fact that you have 9 BMs already.  (Like what’s three more?)  I could see friends not being offended if you only had sisters, or just 3 BMs.  You could say, “we’re keeping it small.”  But with 9, I could see more people feeling hurt.

Good luck.

Post # 5
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t think you have to say anything at all unless you get specifically asked about it. And your reasons for not having them are totally valid so don’t feel bad. You can’t have every single person you are friends with or who have had you in their wedding be in yours. It’s just not feasible. They should be understanding, especially if you haven’t been all that close recently.

Post # 6
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I guess it depends on the type of relationship you have with them now. When a close, close friend of mine chose her bridesmaids, she didn’t tell the rest of us (we are a close group of 5 girls and she only asked one) and didn’t explain her thoughts and I was CRUSHED. We talked about it later, and I think if she had sat us down and explained how much we mean to her, but  that she and her nowhusband decided to have a small wedding, and would we be willing to do other important “jobs” at her wedding, etc.etc. it would have been a much different situation.

Basically, if they are really your close friends, give them the respect they deserce by explaining to them how much their friendship means to you, but you’ve considered the fact that they have small children, and might not be able to fully committ (BS but still works!) and that if they’d like to take part in some other, not so time consuming way, you’d be honored.

PS, When Fiance and I realized it made more sense to do a family only bridal party, I got flowers and made little cards for my 4 friends that asked them to be a special part of our wedding, and theat even though we couldn’t include them as our BMs, they still mean the world to me.

Post # 7
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honestly, I think that unless they bring it up I’d leave it alone. Being a bridesmaid and come with a lot of duties and especially if they have kids they may not be looking to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man at all.



Post # 9
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If your close enught that you still e-mail and talk on the phone and meet up when you can then you may be better off mentioning something to them. There are a copule girls i my wedding that I have that type of relationship with. We are still great friends even though we’re in different places in life. If you think they are wondering than they probably are. I would just clear the air somehow.

Post # 10
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I wouldn’t say hey i chose not to pick you.  They migth not think nothing of it and if they do they will say why didnt’ you pick me and then you can tell them.  Otherwise I wouldn’t say anything but at the same time i woudn’t flaunt it in front of them.

Post # 11
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

another vote for not mentioning it. if they hint around it, maybe bring it up in a nonchalant way like “oh yea had such a tough weekend dress shopping w/ the BMs” or something… that way they wont be waiting for the call. 

Post # 12
15 posts

hummm…. i wouldn’t mention it.   i know my friends with small children were relieved not to be asked. 

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