(Closed) Telling Grandma

posted 7 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 3
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Are you certain that it will be a surprise to your Grandma? She might have caught on already but didn’t bring it up because you haven’t mentioned it. Do you think she would have a negative reaction? Sometimes we tend to think older people will automatically be more conservative, but she might just tell you to follow your heart.

I think it is probably best to tell her in person. If you write a letter you are going ot be stressing out like crazy and eventually you’ll have to see her in person and get the reaction first hand. You may as well do it in one go, in my opinion. And once you come out to her, I bet you’ll feel like a great weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Good luck πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@jacinda10: Are you sure she doesn’t already know and is waiting for you to tell her yourself? I think that she possibly would be more hurt to find out from a letter than from your own lips. I waited for years to come out as bi-sexual to my parents and my mom admitted they knew the entire time, they were just waiting for me to announce it. It was actually the same for quite a few of my LGBTQ friends who had been in relationships for a long time and had brought their partner around but was not overtly affectionate or gave any other indication as to a romantic relationship. That’s just my thoughts though, I know it’s a very hard thing to do.

Post # 6
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hi,

So has your gran ever said anything that would make you think she would react negatively? Just because she is of ‘that’ generation does not mean she holds those views. 

My gran is 94 next week and is more open minded and liberal than half the 20 somethings I know today.

Honestly if she wants you to be happy then she will be happy for you. Plus if she knows your partner and likes her and sees how happy she makes you then I think she will be accepting. Just give her some time to take it in. 

Personally I think you should tell her over the phone, or go and see her, that way she can talk to you and ask questions and clarify points she may not understand. Whereas the written word can be taken the wrong way and she may get confused and then not know how to approach you to clear it up.

It will be daunting and as I mentioned above give her a moment to absord it as she is in her 80s. But if you have a strong relationship with her then I think you will be fine.

And if she behaves negatively then atleast you will have treated her with respect and given her a chance to be accepting, and from then on you would know where she stands in her relationship with you and your partner.

 

GL and congratulations!! πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@jacinda10: It probably is better to do it now though, instead of her realizing at the wedding that it’s actually between two women instead of a “traditional” one and freaking out in public. I hope that she will remember first her love for you and let that override her prejudices, but I know that this doesn’t always happen πŸ™ I am hoping for the best for you! If you need support, we are here!

Post # 8
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

I’m sorry. I know people say you should have the discussion face-to-face, but it’s hard enough for someone to do and open themselves up to ridicule from someone they love. I would do whatever you are comfortable with. If it’s a hand-written letter, in person, a phone call -whatever you feel is best.

My Fiance sent her grandmother our save the date w/o even talking to her about it (that was her decision). We figure we’re acting like we’re a “normal” couple; if other people have their blinders on or are going to make a big deal about it, that’s not our problem. She still hasn’t heard back from her grandmother though.

I really think it doesn’t matter much how you come out to someone. If they love and accept you, they’ll love and accept you if you say it in person or in a letter. If they are going to have a problem, they’ll have a problem regardless.

Post # 10
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@jacinda10:  I agree with the letter.  My Grandmother was pretty prejudicial and racist but would deny that if ever called on it.   However, she also had gay friends, due to being active in her homeowner’s association group and meeting people from the neighborhood.   On the other hand, when it was suggested to her that her beloved Aunt who was very fond of her as a child was indeed a lesbian, she FLIPPED out and got really angry at the suggestion, insisting that the woman that her Aunt lived with for a decade was “her very good friend and that was IT”.  Everyone in the family knows better but she wouldn’t hear of it. It was kind of crazy.. the Aunt in question was totally BUTCH, even way back then.. I’ve seen the pics! But nope, my Grandma wouldn’t entertain the thought for one second.

Anyway, I didn’t tell my Grandmother, because she had Alzheimer’s during the final 8 or 9 years of her life and the last time she was “clear” in thought, I was splitting with, but still married to my ex !  So for the longest time when I saw her she’d ask me where my husband was, and when I brought my wife around (then girlfriend) she just thought she was my friend.  And sometimes she referred to her as  “That little Mexican boy who is so sweet and always brings me coffee..”   πŸ˜‰

I saw no point in telling her because she’d forget by the time we saw her next!  But that’s a very different situation, and if the Alzheimer’s wouldn’t have been a factor, I would have told her for sure.. but it would NOT have been easy!

Post # 11
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Did you end up writing the letter? Let us know how it goes, and good luck! I hope she surprises you and is open minded.

Post # 12
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I know this is super old, but I thought I’d give it a shot. Did you tell ever tell her? I wonder this about my own grandma and I am in a very similar situation.

Post # 13
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

@Cupcake2012: I did, and she says she doesn’t think I’m gay.  You know, because I have long hair and wear makeup.  She said if I was really gay then one of us would be “the boy” in the relationship.  She’s 86. 

I doubt she will come to our wedding.  She told my Aunt “its weird” and “it’s going to be trashy ” (we’re having a black tie wedding….) It sucks, but shes 86.  She’s not going to change. 

Post # 14
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@eagle: Wow, I am sorry to hear that. πŸ™ I fear mine will feel the same. However my mom is very unsupportive so I kind of don’t care at this point  . . .sigh . .Anyway thank you very much for sharing. I appreciate it a lot!

Post # 15
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@eagle: This is old and I just read through, but your grandma would really hate my sister’s Girlfriend then! She’s a black lesbian who will probably be converting to Judaism when she and my sister get married! 

I’m really sorry she won’t be coming to your wedding, but hopefully you have the rest of the family’s support!

Post # 16
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

Thanks. My other family is fine.

And I already converted to Judaism a couple years ago. She is Catholic and didn’t like that much either ha ha!

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