(Closed) Telling my dad's side of the family that we're getting married

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

What your father did to you sounds horrible. Unforunately, it has left you with a fear of what your relationship is going to be like. You are not naive, things happen but ultimately you get to make the choices in your relationship.

My first question is do you really need to tell him? If you don’t want other people to know, can and will he keep it a secret? If so, then call him up or in person and just let him know your partner proposed. If not, then just wait to tell him.

I am not that close to my dad, and when I got engaged I only told him when he rang me up, as he only rings when he wants something.

Post # 3
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would not tell him. 

Post # 4
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I wouldn’t even bother telling him (unless he asks about it first, lying is bad!) or inviting him to the wedding, honestly. He failed you as a father and treated you horribly, so you don’t owe him anything. My mom is similar to him, (I believe when parents do this to us it’s the result of some form of narcissism/sociopathy and has nothing to do with who we are) and one thing I’ve sadly learned is that just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean your family will change into the people you’d like them to be. Remember that “friends are the family you choose for yourself” and focus on the people who love you and support your relationship with your Fiance, like your mother, sister, friends, and hopefully your FI’s family, and do your best to forget about this person. Well, that’s what I did, anyways.

Best wishes to you during this time… I’ve found that I’m happier without my mom most of the time, but rites of passage (graduations, weddings, babies) remind me that I don’t have what most people do, which is a bitter pill to swallow. 

Post # 5
Member
31 posts
Newbee

My father also changed when he married his much younger wife and had children with her. I haven’t spoken to him in years. You don’t have to try to maintain a relationship with him if he’s not good for you. 

Post # 6
Member
1999 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

“Whoops! Did I forget to tell you we got married?”

 

You don’t owe him anything. He hasn’t shown you kidness, why give him any? 

 

However, this comes from a girl whose parents are still together and I will never speak to my father again.  I don’t care what is going on in my life, we are done. 

Post # 7
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Just because someone had a biological impact on your life, does not mean you need to let them treat you poorly.  If you don’t want to tell him, don’t tell him.  If you don’t want a relationship with him, you can cut him out.

Post # 8
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think this is something that you should go with your heart on. I agree with all the other bees that are saying you don’t owe hin anything. But I also understand that you still want your father in your life.

You should do what is best for you. If you want to announce it to him, perhaps a nice card or formal announcement would work, if you don’t want to announce in person. You could tell him in person but based on his track record, he might not be the kindest person about it, so I’d prepare myself. And finally, if you decide not to tell him, I’m not sure you owe him a lot at this point. You said you feel discarded and have for some time, I think it would be ok to trust those feelings.

Post # 9
Member
8789 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 When he gets back I’m considering telling him, but asking him respectfully to keep it a secret from everyone for now, as we haven’t finalised our plans (my partner is completing a PHD and we won’t know where will be in January for at least another month)

I’m not really  sure why you would  want him  to know  before other  people – other  people who presumably love and  care  for you, unlike this  selfish arse of a man . Tell him when you want it public, not before .

And OP, dear heart , don’t get your expectations  up too high for his response, it may well fall into the   too- little-too-late category . He’s probably  not going to change into a loving father at this  stage so don’t give him  the power to hurt you as he did when you were younger .

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