(Closed) Telling my parents – Help!

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry you feel this way.  Perhaps if when you call her you are try to be excited and positive, her feeling will mimic yours.

I don’t really see how you and your SO getting engaged is a bad thing.  Especially if you are being smart about not planning the wedding until you are financially able to afford it, she should be thrilled you are making the first step to the commitment with a great guy.

Post # 4
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i was nervous about telling my parents too. they had only met fi once, we hadn’t been together that long, and it came as a total surprise to them. they took a little while to get used to it, but now that we’re deep into planning, they’ve definitely come around. my mom is excited about the planning now, and my dad has accepted that we’re getting married.

Post # 5
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Yes, we were both nervous. We were not going to tell fiance’s meddlesome parents for awhile, but it accidentally came out when fiance wokeup from anesthesia from a knee surgery! (about a week after we were engaged) Then, oops he never told me that he actually told his mother. So while he was in the hospital recovering and even at his house, he would say, You should’ve worn the ring, even though I wasn’t wearing it because we specifically agreed to not to tell our family’s yet. THen of course his mom said, why are you hiding it, to him and started to meddle some more. So I started wearing the ring once I found out she knew. This caused some more meddling(she sent him an email trying to convince him he shouldn’t get married, etc, tried to scare him about kids verbally, etc). They never acknowledged our engagement even though I had a ring, until months later, when we announced it officially to the whole family including his grandparents. I told my own parents when I came home after not being home for awhile due to caring for fiance’s surgery. They were surprised. We had him ask my dad for permission, after the fact……over dinner. 

One thing we didn’t do was tell his parents The Date for a very long time, not until about 6 months before the wedding and until the reception place  was set. Our Date at the church was set just a couple months after we were engaged I think. His family has come around but I know they aren’t completely happy about it. We have support from his relatives/grandparents though.

Post # 6
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@PeggyAnne: Holy, holy moly! Your story is JUST LIKE MINE!

My husband is very close to his father, not at all close to his mother and loves my parents very much.

I was working half way across the country and going to school and my husband was finishing his last year of college. He had lost his job and had no prospects.

My mother, knowing I was sad, invited my husband over for a root beer and a talk. She asked him what his feelings were and when he told her that he wanted to marry me, she freely gave him her engagement ring to give to me.

A few months later, when I flew to my home for a visit, he proposed to me on the beach. We were both the happiest we’ve ever been.

BUT – he hadn’t asked my father’s permission OR his own father’s advice/counsel, both of which are important.

I was worried that he hadn’t asked my father’s permission. My dad is the traditional jealous dad, annoyed with all my boyfriends and my husband was no exception. We had been dating for a decade, though, so he was no stranger. So, when my mother called him and told him to come home from work right away because something big as going to happen, he understood and implicitly gave his blessing.

One lesson we learned was the people’s reactions often do not betray their TRUE feelings. My father’s did. He really deeply was happy and although expressing it is tough for a tough guy like him, he drove 3 hours to be home with a bottle of wine to celebrate and toast to us.

However, my husband’s father’s reaction did NOT reflect what he really was feeling – he was happy for us but his reaction was TERRIBLE.

We are both very close to him and I couldn’t wait to get him on the phone. We got him on the phone and put him on speakerphone and we both were giddy with excitement at all the confetti he would throw, because he LOVES me.

He immedaitely said, “What, is this a joke?” and when we pleaded “No, no, it’s true!” with smiles on our faces, he IMMEDIATELY launched into this horrible list of all the things that were wrong with our situation.

What? You can’t get married!! Aren’t the two of you still in school? I mean, neither of you has a job right now and finding one is going to be difficult. Is Husband going to move to where you are or what’s going to happen? How are you going to pay for it? Why didn’t he consult me? I consulted my father when I got married… that’s what he’s supposed to do…..

Our smles were totally gone and the moment was completely ruined. We were devastated because all we heard was negative and we were convinced that he thought his son had made the wrong decision and that I was not the woman he wanted for him.

It still hurts me today, almost 2 years later. There were talks and talks and hours and hours on the phone trying to understand his true feelings. He is a stubborn goat and will never really apologize. The closest he got to explaining his behavior was, “I’m sorry, but it’s just that you caught me off-guard with this news and that was my first reaction!”

So, my FIL’s first reaction was to list all the worries he had, but he made the mistake of doing it outloud. In the end, however, that was not his intention and we finally figured that out. Apparantly, it’s a family trait – when my husband’s only uncle was given the news, he did the exact same thing.

One thing that helped us feel like were getting the approval we wanted was to spend time our fathers – we were blessed to be able to do that at the same time last year. They vetted us then, asking us questions and things, and we seemed to satisfy their father worries.

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