Post # 1
Tonight I’m going to try to tell my son that I’m engaged and getting married in July. I’m very fearful of this conversation. Background: I was married for 25 years, sep. 4 yrs ago, divorced 3 yrs ago – very emotionally abusive relationship. My son is 21 now, and we were incredibly close all his life until he he was 17, which was the year his father & I separated. My daughter was 11 and has continued to live with & be close to me. She “gets” it. I know for a fact that my ex told lies about me (saying I cheated – I didn’t) even though we knew for a couple of years the end of the marriage was coming. I was a good wife and a totally devoted stay-at-home mother. I did meet a man (my fiance) while I was separated awaiting final decree. I didn’t hide that. 3 years later, my ex is still absolutely horrible and hateful – even in his dealings with the children & NEVER speaks to me. Biggest problem is that the divorce ruined his retirement plans. My Fiance lives with us and is wonderful to and loved by my daughter. He made it possible for us to keep our home and for me to get back on my feet financially, besides showing me what a loving relationship could be. My son has been away at college and stays with his father when home. I’ve just gone along and continued to be Mom to him as much as he’s let me. However, he’s had some rough times at school & with relationships lately and I just couldn’t tell him when I got engaged in November. Now we’re making wedding plans for July in the Bahamas, and while I know he won’t want anything to do with it – if he even speaks to me after I tell him – I feel it’s important that he knows we would want him to join us and we’ll pay for him to come if he can. I’m hoping the conversation about this can be tonight when he stops by to see me, but I’m afraid of losing him completely. Has anyone had experience with something like this? Advice? Thoughts? Thanks!
Post # 3
No matter what his Dad has said to him, a 21 yr old man is old enough to want the best for both his parents. If he can’t deal with your moving on in your life, then it is his problem not yours. I know it will hurt if he is not supportive and I hope for your sake that he is mature enough not only to be supportive, but also to attend the wedding.
If your Ex is horrible and hateful even in his dealings with the children, your son may take the news better than you expect.
I think you may have to deal with some issues arising out of your not telling him that you have already been engaged for 3 months. I definitely wouldn’t delay any longer.
Post # 4
@julies1949: Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I couldn’t tell him in Nov because I only saw him once & it was for his 21st birthday. I figured it was his day. Then I didn’t see him again until Christmas…still an emotional time post-divorce. January..he was sick & had a relationship break-up. Now I feel bad for the time that’s passed & plans are becoming real.
Post # 5
A friend of mine has had the same problem that her ex has told lies to her son when its HIM who cheated. She had lots of problems with him but has now decided that its best to keep a distance which seems to work better than when she tried too hard. I suggest you tell him and then give him space to think and cool down….if you are still in a bad place nearer the time maybe write him a letter explaining how you feel. Im sure he will come round in time, infact my friends son even asked her to spend xmas with him this year which was a major shock!hes only got 1 mum and sooner or later he will realise how much he needs you and be happy for you, until then give him space but maybe ask him to be part of the wedding eg groomsman so he feels involved??
Post # 6
@princesslea: Thank you. Yes, I’m sure he’ll need space to think it over. I’m sure his father will come up with additional tales to tell, although he should be pleased about this – he can stop paying the pittance of maintenance in August!