(Closed) Telling others with difficulty TTC that your pregnant

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

CONGRATS!

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My best friend in the entire world was TTC for 2 years and then I found I was pregnant (my daughter was a surprise) I was a WRECK telling her. I cried the whole time. She was super sweet and supportive to and I too felt like a horrible person. She later told me that she did get upset after she got home from me telling her but she truly was happy for me. She even threw me my baby shower. She was the most selfless person I’ve ever seen during that time.

Advice: Don’t offer information to her. Just wait til she asks about things. DO include her though, invite her to showers etc. Otherwise she’ll feel even more isolated. After my daughter was born my friend did retreat from me a little. She was very honest with me and told me that sometimes she felt bitter and didn’t want to see me or my daughter I completely understood and gave her space.

Just tread lightly. When youre TTC and you can’t it feels like EVERY FREAKING ONE is get pregnant except you. Some good news though: my best friend JUST had TWINS after her first round of IVF a boy AND girl! PERFECTION!

Good luck! Feel free to ask me more!

 

Post # 4
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I second the not offering information unless she asks. She will be supportive, but it will bother him deep down most likely.

I was in a similar situation when I found out I was pregnant, except I didn’t even know my sister was TTCing for #2. After I informed her I was, she told me that they were trying and had an IUI. I didn’t think about it and vented to her about problems I was having (extremely sick) and it really upset her and she told me how she would rather be in my place as at least I am pregnant. We didn’t actually talk (besides simple questions or comments to each other) for almost a month.

Thankfully she got pregnant the next cycle and things improved, but of all things I learned it was best to keep my  mouth shut besides just telling her I was pregnant.

Post # 5
Bee
6473 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia

Sounds like you’ve told her gently – just be there for her, let her have some space if she needs it. If you’ve never been infertile, or unable to conceive, it’s VERY hard to understand their needs/feelings, so just do your best. xx

Post # 6
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

As someone that has been TTC for a long time, I understand how your step sister feels….my ex-SIL got pregnant accidently after my ex and I had been trying 5 years.  She was actually going to spill the beans on my ex’s bday….she didn’t and I’m grateful b/c I had just found out through a blood test that day that I was NOT pregnant…I was hoping to give him a great bday present.

It took my ex and I a couple of weeks to get over our jealousy….I had watched countless friends get pregnant in that 5 years and I was MOST worried about his sister getting pregnant.  It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders when she did….it had finally happened and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  Then my excitement of being an aunt again kicked in and I never felt it was a competition or anything….she even used the name I picked out for the baby.

My advice….give her time to process it.  With friends/coworkers that get pregnant while you are TTC, it’s easy to ignore the things you don’t want to hear/see.  When a family member gets pregnant, it’s all family talks about…..especially when you have been TTC for so long, it’s as if you (oh, infertile one) don’t exist.  And I know with my family, people get tired of hearing my TTC woes b/c they don’t have an answer for me.  

Once she’s ready to talk, she’ll most likely want to ask little questions about the pregnancy/baby….just make sure it’s not all you ever talk to her about.  It sounds like you are sensitve to her feelings b/c of this….tell her this….tell her you don’t understand what she’s going through but you KNOW it must hurt her to hear your news.  I promise if you are there for her, she’ll be there for you!  

Post # 7
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I went through something similar – got pregnant by surprise and had to break the news to friends who are struggling TTC.  Some people cope with pregnancy announcements more easily than others, so just try to follow your friend’s lead. 

If she asks you about the pregnancy, by all means talk to her about it (without complaining too much… your infertile friends are not the people you need to be going to for support when you’re puking, exhausted, or whatever), and if she doesn’t ask, try to keep the pregnancy talk to a minimum.  Some people just need time to work through their emotions so they can be happy and excited for you, but if she’s a good friend, she’ll get there!

Post # 8
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

@Snowy414:  as someone who TTC for almost 3 years, i think the simple fact that you’re aware of her feelings is so wonderful. it sounds like you told her in the best way possible and she is lucky to have such a thoughtful and caring sister!

every woman is different, but this is my opinion based on my experience: during the three years we were TTC, my SIL was pregnant twice, as well as one of my best friends, the last thing i wanted was to be left out of the loop for fear that it would hurt me. i was so excited about being an auntie that i wanted to hear all the details just as i would have if i hadn’t been TTC for so long. when you’re TTC you already feel like such an outsider, so i would make sure you include her in on “baby related talk”. I agree with the PPs; give her time to process this and try to gauge how interested she is in talking about the baby. it might take her a while, so keep being kind and patient as you are and i’m sure things will all work themselves out.

congratulations! 

Post # 9
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you handled it the best you can. Try to be delicate, and don’t talk about it too much. But some people are more sensitive than others, and will make a big deal about it any way. We had a family friend who finally got pregnant through IVF after years of trying. Another one of the women in her circle (who already had a baby through IVF, and they couldn’t afford the process again) was very rude to the first woman throughout her pregnancy, especially when she was obviously showing. She would say things to anyone who would listen that it wasn’t “fair” that she couldn’t have another baby, that her daughter “deserved” a sibling. It was awful to see the first woman go through that, being shamed for something that she also struggled for and should be insanely happy about.

My point is, try to be sensitive, within reason. Some people are going to not take it well, others will be fine. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

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