(Closed) Telling the Bride I can't attend the Bachelorette Party?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

I see this as part of an unfortunately growing trend of ridiculously expensive and extravagant events leading up to the wedding. People are going to decline being in bridal parties simply because of the exhorbitant cost. 

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missnicolemcg:  Your update sounds really reasonable, I hope the Maid/Matron of Honor and other BMs will go along with your affordable-for-all suggestions. Personally I prefer fun & casual over formal and fancy anyway, but the Maid/Matron of Honor should have considered other people’s budgets from the outset rather than have people unable to attend because they don’t have the budget of a Kardashian. 

Post # 18
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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RobbieAndJuliahaha:  yes it is a growing trend and it all stems from the belief that the bride is oh so special- not just on her wedding day but in the months leading up to it. 

I want to tell these people, truly you’re not that special, you’re just entitled. Big difference.

Post # 19
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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doberman:  

yes it is a growing trend and it all stems from the belief that the bride is oh so special- not just on her wedding day but in the months leading up to it.

I want to tell these people, truly you’re not that special, you’re just entitled. Big difference.

Slightly off topic – but I used to have a friend who, one year, announced to us while we were hanging out at a friend’s house that that year for her birthday, we were going to celebrate the whole week. Okay, cool… whatever. The next year, she announced we were going to celebrate for the entire month. And this wasn’t a passing fancy – she would hold her birthday over people’s heads for the whole month; “You should pay for dinner, it’s my birthday month”, “You’re going to come out with us tonight even though you have to work at 6am, it’s my birthday month”, “You need to request XYZ days off, it’s my birthday month”.

Let’s just say that was the month I cut ties with her. I still have her on Facebook, and if she ever gets married, I’m expecting truly ridiculous shenanigans of the entitled sort.

OP, honestly really is the best policy. Since another bridesmaid seems to agree with you, come right out and say, “I really can’t afford this Bacehlorette Party being planned. Maybe the next day we could all get together and do ?” I think it’ll go off a lot better if you start out suggesting your plan in addition to the current plan, as opposed to a replacement for.

Post # 20
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I would recommend having this conversation with the Maid/Matron of Honor first. There is no need to make the bride feel guilty for something that she isn’t even planning herself. Then if you and the Maid/Matron of Honor cannot find a cheaper solution, then break the bad news to the bride. Chances are you are not the only bridesmaid who is feel pressured from all of the expensive parties!! Plus, if you are expected to chip in for the party, then you should get a day on what is going on!

Post # 21
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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ICallHimFarmBoy:  Good grief, that’s entitlement to the nth power.

Post # 22
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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missnicolemcg:  Tell the Maid/Matron of Honor you are unable to afford a bachelorette party which involves travel or overnight stay; and that if she plans one then sorry you won’t be attending or contributing. You may also point out that part of the reason is the unexpected $200 charge for the bridal shower.

Don’t tell the bride yet, because as far as I can tell, none of this is the bride’s fault. If the Maid/Matron of Honor goes ahead and books the party anyway, that is the time to tell the bride you won’t be attending.

Post # 23
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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doberman:  Unfortunately I think you’re right on the entitlement stretching out for months, & this not only includes an insane number of events, but ‘thunder stealing’ if anyone else gets engaged/ pregnant/ promoted/ graduates etc within some huge radius of their wedding day.

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ICallHimFarmBoy:  A birthday month? I don’t know whether to laugh or gag.

Post # 24
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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doberman:  
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RobbieAndJuliahaha:  The last time I talked to her, she said something like, “You know, you say things to me that make me realize what a selfish person I am.”

But based on her hijinks on Facebook, I guess she doesn’t care. Or she thinks it’s a good thing.

Post # 26
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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missnicolemcg:  I’m glad you all stood up for yourselves.  If you all really like the idea you have (which really sounds fun) you could still plan it.  Just because the Maid/Matron of Honor is not in agreement doesn’t matter.  You could always ask the bride if she would like to do X, Y and Z and what dates would be good for her.

The Maid/Matron of Honor is not the one that HAS to plan the bach party.  You and the other BMs can certainly plan something if you would like.  If the Maid/Matron of Honor thinks it isn’t “good enough” then she can decline the invite.

Post # 27
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You did the right thing!  It’s not right for an Maid/Matron of Honor and bride to come up with these extravagent ideas without taking the other BM’s into consideration.  Absolutely ridiculous and selfish!  They both sound like princesses.

My MOH isn’t rich but very crafty and imaginative.  For my shower, she jumped all over contributing the cake (made it) and ran the games.  Very minimal cost to her but she really wanted to do it.  Zero cost to either of my other 2 bridesmaids but they did assist my mum with decor and setup.  I didn’t even have a bachelorette!  My Maid/Matron of Honor and one Bridesmaid or Best Man have children and I knew it was going to make things difficult for them, plus my other Bridesmaid or Best Man lives far and doesn’t drive so it was just easier to forego the festivities altogether.  It’s called being reasonable 😛

Post # 28
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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missnicolemcg:  How did the bride react when Maid/Matron of Honor ran to her about the shower costs? Because if I was the bride I would be appalled/ pissed off that my Maid/Matron of Honor was telling my BMs I ‘deserved better’ than what their budgets could manage. Either the bride is as selfish & entitled as the Maid/Matron of Honor is acting or she has no clue how badly her Maid/Matron of Honor is behaving. Your suggestions were not only great alternatives to a costly trip away, they were well received by other BMs. Frankly, I’d rather my bridesmaids organized a potluck BBQ at someone’s house & bought cute decorations from a dollar store- no strain on anyone’s budget and lots more fun than fancy destination boozefests IMO anyway. 

Post # 29
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Just be honest. I have three people who decided not to attend my party because they just don’t want to. They were too afraid to tell me they changed their minds, so one of them called Fiance and told him instead. Seriously. 

Edit: oop, didn’t see your update!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by bluebird17.
Post # 30
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee

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missnicolemcg:  You poor thing, you should NOT have to feel bad about that!!! Don’t even waste your time sweating this, the whole bridal party thing is getting out of hand when bridesmaids are expected to spend thousands of dollars on the “honor” of celebrating their friend getting married. I planned a bachelorette weekend in vegas (I had to cancel it for a family emergency) but when I wrote the email inviting the invitees, I specifically said NO PRESSURE and I totally got if they couldn’t come. I also arranged for us to share a beds in a suite to make it chepaer and promised no fancy dinners and I was going to stock the room with snacks and bottles of liquor to save on other stuff. On top of the money you’re spedning on the dress and attneding the wedding, you really shouldn’t be expected to go broke for someone else’s wedding. I wish brides would stop giving us all a bad name with these crazy expectations. For my make up “bachelorette party” I got us a fancy hotel room and we’re going to lounge by the pool and go to the lounge at the hotel at night, but I’m paying for the room myself they will buy drinks and I’ll still stock the room with snacks and booze. 

I would honestly just email the bride and the Maid/Matron of Honor and very simply and sweetly let them know you can’t make it for finanacial reasons. If the bride doesn’t understand then quite frankly she is a bridezilla and $#$# her. 

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