(Closed) Telling your best friend their significant other cannot come….acceptable?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I would just invite him and not worry about it. Who knows, they might even breakup again before the wedding! Its best to stay out of your friends relationships unless they are being truly abused. 

Post # 17
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m on your side bee. I think you should stand your ground and based on how he treats her not allow him there. I know this isn’t a popular opinion and I will probably be told I’m wrong….even though its an opinion. Anyway, like you said you can’t control if she dates him, but you can control who is at your wedding. Actions have consequences and his actions have made the consequence that he is not invited to your wedding.

 That all being said, you left it up to her and sounds like you are ok with him being there now so that’s your choice.  Good luck, bee. 

Post # 18
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree with Previous Posters who pointed out that you will barely notice him (and your bridesmaid will be busy for 90 percent of the day with the bridal party, so she won’t have much chance to be disrespected by him either) BUT your wedding aside (and I DO think you need to allow him to come if she wants him there) have you had a conversation with her about the emotional abuse you speak of? If he truly is an abusive partner that’s a bigger issue than your wedding IMO and while I wouldn’t use your wedding to make a stand on it, I think you should be having serius conversations with her as afriend about getting away from her abuser.

Post # 19
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
Speck_:  +1000 

You should honour your BM’s decision to bring him (a decision you gave her), but this doesn’t mean you need to tolerate any b.s. from him- at your wedding or otherwise. And, as Speck so perfectly says ‘Call him out, and hold her accountable for bringing her shitty boyfriend around when she knows he fucks up the good vibes’

You also need to consider that emotionally and verbally abusive dipshit boyfirends are almost always emotionally and verbally abusive controlling dipshit boyfriends. He hardly sounds the type to take her lack of a +1 with good grace and ‘allow’ her to go without him. If you tell her he’s not allowed to come, you can bet he’ll not only be bad-mouthing you over it, he’ll be pressuring her not to go, to demand she drop out of your wedding party as a necessary show of loyalty to him. 

You should have a talk with her Bee, separate from any wedding issues or wedding talk, and ask her why she’s allowing herself to return repeatedly to a man who treats her like garbage and is rude to everyone else. Let her know it bothers you, hurts and angers and frustrates you, to see someone you care about treated so unacceptably. Tell her you’ll be there for her when she needs a shoulder, it sounds like she will. 

Post # 20
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m actually surprised at where opinions are siding on this one. Since you say he is abusive to her, I think you’re within your rights not to invite him. However, you have to recognize that as someone in an abusive relationship, she may be under his control to the point that not inviting him might mean she can’t go to your wedding.

Post # 21
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

ehh I’m probably going against the grain here but my friend was a bridesmaid in a wedding and even though the bride disliked her bf (now ex) she allowed her to bring him.. he ended up causing a huge scene, getting wasted, got in a fight, was kicked out of the wedding, and then got a DUI on the way home.. so if you really think he’s that big of an idiot I’d say have him stay home.. if they are off and on anyway who knows if they’ll even be together in a few months but those wedding memories will last a lifetime.

Post # 22
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My friend is going out with a complete pig. He’s horrible, no one likes him and he doesn’t like us. He treats her horribly. I felt bad so I put his name on the invite with her name but I really don’t want him to go. I know exactly how you feel. I don’t think our guy will actually come to our wedding though as he dislikes us all so much and I pray he won’t because he’s a trouble maker and I don’t want fights!

Post # 23
Member
4251 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

do other people have a plus 1?  If so, I don’t see how it is fair to dictate who hers is.  If not, she needs to respect your no dates invites.

Post # 25
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If she is in your bridal party and is the ONLY one that isn’t allowed to bring her significant other or a date, you cannot exclude him, that’s super rude. To be honest, you won’t even realize he’s there, you’re going to be so busy and distracted that it won’t matter. 

Post # 27
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
jamielynn86:  You’d have to invite him anyway. But especially since you said it’s up to her and she wants to bring him. So instead of just “yes, you have to invite him” now it’s “yes of course you have to invite him, how could you possibly think otherwise?”

So to summarize: yes, you have to invite him.

Post # 28
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Difficult position to be in, but I think you’re right that you should leave it to her at this point.  And hope things will change in the next three months and he won’t come!  And that she’ll move on to find a good man 🙂 

Post # 29
Member
7760 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There really is no polite way to ask people to come to honor your relationship while at the same time denying theirs, regardless of how you feel about it. Additionally, anyone in the wedding party ought to have a +1, and you cannot politely dictate who that is. I understand how you feel about him, but he isn’t your choice; she is, and he is currently part of the package.

Post # 30
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
jamielynn86:  such a nightmare. if I had the chance again I wouldn’t have invited him it’s not worth the worry now . If I was you I wouldn’t.  Another friend of mine has already decided he won’t be invited to her wedding and will be explaining it to our friend before the invite goes out.

I know i won’t have to see him during the day  as i will be busy being a bride, but I dont want the other guests to deal with his nasty attitude.

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