Post # 1
So I love my best friend, let’s call her sue, Sue and I talk about everything together, and have been super close for 7 or 8 years now. Sue assumes shes in my wedding and she will be because shes a good friend. However, Sue has a major problem of flaking. I’m not talking once in a while I mean it’s a problem, she bails on EVERYTHING and at the last second. She even bailed on my college graduation, 10 mins before the start of the ceremony despite me being there for hers, and even offering her a last minute ride to mine. I’ve sat outside her house for half an hour after she was supposed to be ready just for her to tell me “sorry something came up, can we reschedule?” Ive accepted this, it won’t ruin our friendship, it’s just how she is. But, that can’t happen at my wedding, at least not with the maid of honor, if she’s a bridesmaid okay, we work with it. So I made my friend of 18+ years the Maid/Matron of Honor even though we aren’t AS close, because she was super excited about it, she’s very dependable, and shes great at thinking on the fly in case of wedding day emergency. I don’t want to hurt Sues feelings when I tell her, it doesn’t make her less of a friend. But it’s my wedding, I’m shelling out tons of money for it and I need to be sure the Maid/Matron of Honor will actually show up. And if I had to put money on it, I’d put $100 right now that Sue will find a way to flake on my wedding. Some may say “why have her in it at all?” Because she is one of my closest friends, we are emotionally close and talk daily, even though we rarely see each other. And if she shows up that’s great! Overall I don’t want her being hurt thinking shes not a good enough friend to be in the wedding. I just don’t want a week of agonizing over if the Maid/Matron of Honor will show up on the big day or bail an hour before the I Do’s. So how do I politely tell her you’re a great person but you leave me hanging all the time.
Post # 2
” I love you dearly. You’re a great person but you leave me hanging all the time. I can’t handle the stress of not knowing if and when you will be there in connection with wedding events. I chose __ for my Maid/Matron of Honor because she is so reliable. I hope this will take a lot of stress and pressure off you and you can just enjoy being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.”
By The Way, if she doesn’t show, there is no need to downgrade a groomsman to usher. He won’t have done anything wrong and that would be rude and hurtful on your part.There is nothing wrong with having uneven sides.
Post # 3
really? I didn’t know that! This is my first wedding to even attend much less host, I thought they had to be equal. Thank you!
Post # 4
Can’t you just ask her to be a bridesmaid? And if she mentions Maid/Matron of Honor, just tell her you have already asked your other friend? And if she pushes/seems offended, then what julies1949
said. Although I can’t imagine being so audacious as to question why I wasn’t made Maid/Matron of Honor (or bridesmaid)…
Post # 5
Is Maid/Matron of Honor the friend you’ve known longer? I think that’s a good reason if she asks, “You’re very dear to me, but I’ve known Rachel even longer than you.”
Post # 6
I would just ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and not mention Maid/Matron of Honor at all. But I mean, if she asks you about why she’s not Maid/Matron of Honor, you could tell her the truth (that she’s always so flaky), but there’s a possibility that she’ll be like, “I won’t flake on your wedding!” Are you going to believe her?
If she’s a true friend, she won’t be mad at “just” being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 8
I didn’t think know of that, she kind of assumes she’s maid of honor, even though I never asked her. She just started talking like she would be, and trust me she would definitley be the one to say “I thought I was MOH!!” She already had a fit she had to wear a dress, she wanted to wear a suit and I politely told her she could do that at her wedding, I’d appreciate if she wore the black dresses I was paying for for the wedding party. I dont think that was too bridezilla-ish, Im buying them the dresses and the tops are all changeable to flatter different figures and still match the fabric, but she was still mad about it…
Post # 9
I wouldn’t even have her in the wedding party, I’d have her as a guest.
One of my friends was like this – super flaky all the time. Cancelling things at the last minute. I considered having her in my wedding party but decided to go with all family – sister, SIL & cousin instead.
My friend didn’t have an issue with this, but she did have an issue that I didn’t invite her BF at the time & asked if he could attend. Having never met him, I declined.
She was one of the only people not to RSVP to the wedding & when I followed her up about a week before the wedding she told me that she ‘couldn’t get the time off work’. My wedding was a Saturday & we work in the same industry, so I know she could have if she had asked soon enough.
I never replied to her text saying that she wasn’t coming & I haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve replaced her with MUCH better friends who WANT to spend time with me, who are reliable, dependable & are actually THERE for me. I have no regrets & never look back or miss her. I didn’t stop being her friend just because she didn’t come to my wedding, it was a culmination of years of the same & it was the final straw. Can’t be bothered attending my wedding? Then I can’t be bothered retaining this friendship.
Post # 10
I only asked one girl to be bridesmaid, she had been my friend for years, she was so excited about the wedding; she wasn’t flaky but she has always been super late! SHe promised she would not be late for any wedding related stuff.
And so I asked her to go dress shopping with me, as she was so excited and wanted to get involved; she wasn’t late, I and my whole family were astounded, it was amazing. I thought this is great.
Then we went dress shoppign for her dress, she was 10 minutes late when we met up. Not bad considering her previous track record.
She organised an amazing hen party 🙂
Then she was out of the country, said she was too busy with work for the wedding rehearsal… couldn’t make our nail appointment the day before the wedding due to a train being late… was 15 minutes late to the hair appiontment on the day of the wedding… then after the service she caught a ride with a friend to the reception, decided she had to go home first….and missed most of the photography session when I had asked her to be there to help move people around!
Had I any idea about what was going to happen, not sure I would have made the same choice.
So just say you’re an amazing bridesmaid.
Don’t give anyone the title of maid of honour if you think they will fight about it
Then give responsibilities on the day to someone you know is going to be there and will be reliable
Post # 11
This sounds like it could get potentially messy. I think my advice depends on the girl. If you two have talked in the past about weddings and being each other’s MOHs I think she is going to be really dissapointed and hurt. (actually I think this is going to be the case no matter what) But how she moves on from it is going to depend on what type of person she is. If she is a true good friend she will get over it and still be happy for you and that she is in the wedding. But some people take this really personally and it could potentially ruin your friendship if she is unable to move past it. So really think about how you think she is going to react and how your relationship will be moving forward.
If you think she will eventuallly be okay with it then ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. And if she asks why she isn’t the Maid/Matron of Honor then explain yourself truthfully. If you think she will take it poorly and you don’t want to ruin the friendship maybe consider having co-MOH’s. That way her feelings won’t be hurt and if she drops the ball of flakes on something you still have the other Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 12
I have 2 BFF’s, one I have known since I was 5 and the other I met when I was abour 13. I had trouble deciding who was going to be Maid/Matron of Honor but like you, the friend I have known since I was 13 was super flaky and also doesn’t live where I live.
I’ve gone through the same experiences where she just won’t ever text me back or I had planned to meet her somewhere and she just does not show up, no text or nothing. I chose my BFF of 20 years as we are childhood friends and I couldn’t imagine her not being Maid/Matron of Honor. When it came time to ask, I asked my other friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she was excited and glady accepted. She later on bluntly asked if friend 1 was Maid/Matron of Honor and I said yes and nothing else really came of it, she didn’t seem hurt or anything.
If you really are having trouble deciding, can you just have all BM’s and no MOH? I have had friends do this and everything worked perfectly well.