(Closed) Telling your partner stuff about your friends

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I tell my husband pretty much everything, but if someone asked me to not tell him something (as long as it has no effect on him/us) then I will keep it to myself. 

Post # 47
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I’ll tell my husband anything I want, and I wouldn’t tell a woman something if I didn’t want her husband to hear it. 

Post # 48
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see why I should expect my friends to automatically trust my husband or feel comfortable with him knowing their intimate or secret stuff just because I chose to marry him. I’m not surprised your friend was annoyed with you.

Post # 49
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I tell my husband everything, and he tells me everything also. But both of us know to keep it to ourselves. My sisters husband is such a goasip, I have to specifically tell her what she can and can’t tell him lol

Post # 50
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

There’s a great Seinfeld episode about this. Jerry starts avoiding telling George stuff because he  assumes George will tell Susan, the fiancee. And it turns out George didn’t even know of the “partners tell each other everything” rule. All to a hilarious end, of course.

I personally would tell my partner all the gory details. But what is important is that my friends are aware of this. One of my closest friends talks about all her personal stuff to both me and my Darling Husband. Even though she is strictly my friend, she treats us as a unit. The other few close friends I have definitely know that I tell Darling Husband everything. Exactly the same goes for Darling Husband and his friends.

I don’t know what I’d do if I had a friend whose views on this were very different. I guess it’s something to make sure I establish if ever I make a new friend. 😛

Post # 51
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
anonymousbee12321:  My view is if you’re telling me, it’s okay to tell my partner.

Post # 52
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t tell my husband everything. I figure I wouldn’t want my friends to dicuss our private converstaions with their spouses so why would I share with mine? When I speak with my girlfriends I discuss situations freely based on OUR connection, I’m not friends with their husbands so I wouldnt dicuss the same thing with them if I had a choice. I don’t believe this is about keeping secrets from your SO because truly this is your friendship and not one of his.

One of my sisters tells her spouse everything and because of this I am very tight lipped with her. I would do the same to any friend that constantly shares our conversations with their SO. I don’t see the need personally.

Post # 53
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
anonymousbee12321:  Can I just ask this? Why would YOU feel offended for someone to want you to keep their personal business from your husband. They aren’t his friend, they are yours!

Post # 54
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I don’t share every single detail (I mean, Darling Husband doesn’t need to know about my BFF’s struggles to find the perfect bra) but I will share general details of what’s going on in my friends’ lives, especially if Darling Husband is also close with them.  

For example, BFF is having issues at work with a boss who throws her under the bus but positions in her field are somewhat few and far between and has to post if she is leaving by a certain date or she is stuck in her contract for another year.  To add more complications, her Boyfriend or Best Friend is finishing school and is in a highly specfic but lucrative field (as in, he has received multiple offers for graduate school that include a living stipend higher than my salary).  Of this situation, I would probably tell Darling Husband “BFF is trying to find a different position closer to her Boyfriend or Best Friend.”  

Post # 55
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I tell my husband almost everything, but if someone asks me not to tell him something, I am certainly going to respect their request.

My husband is good friends with my two closest girl friends and their husbands.  A couple of years ago, one of my friends was going through some marital issues with her husband.  She confided in me and asked me not to tell my husband about it, so I didn’t.  Fortunately they were able to work things out and for all I know, my friend’s husband could have confided in mine.

We have a very open and honest relationship but I don’t think a couple has to tell each other absolutely everything to have that.

Post # 56
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

I’m a good judge of what is ok to share and what isn’t. I don’t expect to be told every gory detail of my husband’s friends lives. If he’s been out and I ask “How’s so-and-so”? he need only shake his head and sigh and I know not to go there! If I’m asked “How’s blah-blah”? and I answer “Meh” then there’s no further probing. We are grown ups, we know what counts as betrayal in our marriage and what doesn’t.  

Post # 57
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’d be mortified. . .mortified if my bestie blabbed some of the stuff I’ve told her. . . 

Post # 58
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I guess I don’t tell my Fiance everyting, but I do tell him most things.  

In the past I’ve kept things from two of my ex-SOs if I was afraid that the info would impact the relationship between my SO and my friend, but in those cases, it was because my SOs were both fairly judgmental, and that is one reason why neither of those relationships lasted.  My Fiance is not judgmental so that is not a problem for me now.

I think it’s odd that some of the PP believe that telling your SO something is “gossip.”  I agree that gossip is bad, but I disagree that sharing info with your SO is gossip.  I think of gossip as being more indiscriminate, catty, or of questionable reliability.  Talking to my SO is more about intimacy in my relationship, and sometimes talking to him helps me process my own thoughts and feelings.  That is not gossip in my book.

Finally, my relationship with my Fiance is the most important relationship in my life, and the one that I need to keep the most open, honest, and connected to.  My friends are very important to me – my BFF has been my BFF for 30+ years, and I don’t see that changing – but the reality is that my Fiance comes first, and if I want to talk to him about something, I will, and I don’t care who doesn’t like it.  But honestly, because I know my Fiance would never betray my trust, none of my friends will ever know if I’ve talked to my Fiance about their lives, and if I have, it’s none of their business.  

Post # 59
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
gogglefruits:  I was just going to mention that Seinfeld! I think it’s called “The Vault”? 

I tell Fiance everything. The only exception might be if someone whom he also knows really well and sees often (e.g. my sister) told me something very private that would embarass her or strongly affect his judgment of her if he knew.

Post # 60
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I think in the end it ultimately depends on you, your SO, and your friend. The friends I confide in are the type who, if asked, wouldn’t share. But if it were something I wasn’t comfortable talking about, I might ask them not to say anything. That’s rare though, because I’m close enough with my two best friends husbands that them knowing isn’t going to bother me (for the most part). However, my ex (ex for a good reason) was the type to blab anything and everything, to where I didn’t even tell him personal stuff about ME much less my friends. For example, say I was having bad cramps and would mention it. Well, he’d take it upon himself to mention that to his friends (who were girls) and then suggest that to me. That bothered me because one)I wasn’t comfortable with three friends and two) they were extrenely judgemental.  

So it seems like it’s just a situational thing. Like my above mentioned friends. One I’m close enough with to share anything because I know she won’t gossip. Another friend? I’m very selective what I share because she does (and I don’t mean gossip as in SO, but in general) 

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