(Closed) Telling your SO about your sexual assault

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
298 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry for you,  and I just want to give you a big hug!   I completely understand.   I had a similar thing happen, but haven’t told my SO about the second time.   There’s so many mixed emotions about whether I should tell him, even though I know he’d be supportive.   I’m sure it had being weighing on your chest and you felt you needed to get it out.   And I doubt he’s feeling you said it to get attention.   I totally understand why you feel that way, because I feel it too.  But others don’t feel that way.  It’s all in our heads.   You can PM me if you want to talk about this more,  I don’t want to get in to much detail in such a public forum.  Just know whatever happens that you’re not alone,  and be strong! 

Post # 4
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

This has also happened to me, twice believe it or not. I completely understand the shame and embarrassment, and I too have never told another soul. Unlike you though, I have not told my Fiance, not because he wouldn’t be supportive, but for my own mental health. I think this was very brave of you, and I know I certainly couldn’t do it.

I’m so glad for you that you finally got that off your chest, but I’m not sure it would matter if you told your guy who it was, unless he asked, but only you can make that choice.

Sorry this happened to you bee. Xx

Post # 5
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Actually, I think it’s quite common for this to happen more than once by different perpetrators. So don’t feel like it’s not believable that it happened twice. Again, I’m so sorry.

Post # 6
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It’s happened to me and for a long time I was too ashamed to tell anyone I was close to (after having reported the incident to the police I was talked out). Not telling people ruined a lot of relationships that I had to fix after I moved on. Telling my Fiance was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to tell him tbh but the support I got from him was worth it. 

Imo it’s worth the pain and suffering of telling an important person in your life to not ruin relationships based on stress sexual assault can cause. 

Post # 7
969 posts
Busy bee

That was very brave of you. It’s such a good feeling not to have secrets from your SO. I told my SO about a similar situation a few years into our relationship. He was very supportive but it took us a while to “return to normal”. Like he accepted it at first, but then had more questions later but was hesitant to ask. I wouldn’t try to force information on him, but I would be open and honest and let him know you’re willing to answer any questions should he have them later. Then just give it a little time for each of you to adjust to your new reality. 

Post # 8
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think it is, as others have said, the shame that makes is think we wont be  believed.

I minimized mine for a long time. I have a history of a lot of smaller sexual traumas, but my ex husband raped me. As in held me down while i begged him to stop. And I worry i wont be believed. Or i tell myself it wasn’t such a big deal becaise i was on a sexual relationship with him already. At the time I told myself that I must have made the whole thing up or only thought i was saying stop but actually hadn’t. 

There are all sorts of ways our brain tries to deal with severe trauma.

I think you need to shift your attention from your partner to yourself because disclosing can be very triggering. How are you feeling now that you’ve disclosed? What do you need from him? 


And to answer your question, my Fiance lnoows i was abused but  i still have difficulty saying what happened to me. 


Post # 10
298 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
nicoleheart :  I think you should let him decide how much info he wants to receive.   My Fiance didn’t ask any questions.  But I was prepared to answer any that he might have.   Maybe let him know that you’ll answer any questions he might have (if you’re OK with that) and then see if he asks who it was.   I read up on telling a SO about this kind of thing and from what I read they said peoples responses varied a lot.   Some guys got angry, some sad,  some completely supportive.  So there’s no way to know if your SO would want to know who it was or not.

And if the assault was something you didn’t want, then yes, it was an assault.   My first one was a date rape,  I was way too drunk to agree to anything,  and I even continued seeing the guy after.  I was so confused on what had happened.   Eventually I told someone about it and she’s the one who said it was a rape.   After hearing that it was like all the pieces came together and I finally understood what had happened.  My point is that sometimes it’s not so black and white,  but bottom line is if you didn’t want it to happen,  and it did anyways then it was an assault.   

Sorry again that this happened to you,  but you are being so brave and strong! 

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