Post # 1
My fiancé and I are having a very small back yard wedding. Both of us are looking to control the cost, and size (this is a re-marriage) of the wedding, and have really thought hard on picking guests who are closest to us. We are thrilled with the planning process, and thrilled that the two of us are working so well together (and have almost everything planned). We have very excited friends and family… well, almost.
I have a friend, who up until this point, had been close to me. In the beginning, I felt that she attempted to over-step and take over the planning as she felt we “didn’t know what [we] are doing.” I set a kind, but firm, boundary to let her know that while I sincerely appreciate the feedback and support, my fiancé and I had a vision for our day, and we are working together to make it come to fruition. Her only role will be to come to our celebration and enjoy herself, as she is important to us and we are more than happy to celebrate with her.
Recently, she has taken issue with the fact that we are having an adult-only wedding (she has a 10 year-old son). I’d explained that we are not having a wedding party, and are not inviting any children. It’s just not that kind of a wedding. She couldn’t seem to let it go. She accused my fiancé and I of not liking children, and of being “selfish” and “products of today’s society.” I felt she was taking it very personally. Recently, she has said that her son has known me for 6 years, and he wants to come. She says if he does not come, I will be responsible for breaking his heart. She says she doesn’t care if we don’t invite other kids, but he needs to be there, as he is entitled to. She even went as far as to say she is not interested in getting a sitter because my fiancé and I have no rights to “separate generations” and make parents choose between their children or our wedding.
I would love to have my friend at the wedding, but am currently feeling hurt and a little angry (as well as misunderstood). I know in wedding wedding planning one can’t please everyone.
Has anyone else been here before? How did you deal?
Post # 2
Let me be clear- it’s your event, you can invite (or not invite) anyone you choose- and if you’re not having children, you’re not having children. How she feels about that is her problem. It’s also your wedding. You’re allowed to have a day for you, with the guests you want, in the design you want. If she doesn’t attend, then that’s her issue- not yours. Sounds like she’s been a bit of a handful since the beginning. Close or not, stick to your guns and don’t let her feel like you’re doing something wrong. If this is a dealbreaker for her, likely she’s not the friend you thought she was. Congratulations and enjoy your day!
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
She’s talking about what you don’t have the “right” to do, but if you’re hosting an event then you absolutely have the right to choose the guest list. You’re entitled to have the wedding you want, and if she isn’t happy about it, she’s entitled to decline the invite.
You’re going to have to stand firm. When she brings it up be ready with something like “FH and I have decided this will be an adult only affair. We would love for you to be there to celebrate with us, but we understand if you’re not able to attend”. Repeat as necessary until it sinks in.
She’s being absolutely unreasonable here.
Post # 4
She sounds like a kid who just can’t accept no as an answer. I wouldn’t even engage with the blatant attempts at manipulation. I’d be tempted to tell her “what part of no don’t you understand”, but might settle for “if you’re unable to get a sitter, we will miss you, but understand your absence”.
Post # 5
stitchwitch86 : She says if he does not come, I will be responsible for breaking his heart. She says she doesn’t care if we don’t invite other kids, but he needs to be there, as he is entitled to. She even went as far as to say she is not interested in getting a sitter because my fiancé and I have no rights to “separate generations” and make parents choose between their children or our wedding.
This is not normal or appropriate. She needs to phased out of your life. This is not about your standard pushback for a kids only wedding. She sounds unstable, honestly.
Also, a 10 year boy being broken hearted over not attending the backyard wedding of his mother’s friend? Sure, Jan.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains
I think kittycatcat is spot on.
I think the real question is she really your friend? Was your friendship bond super strong before this? No friendship is perfect but she sounds unreasonable and I’m thinking this isn’t the first time.
Post # 7
This is not normal at all. I have to ask out of curiosity….is she single? Is this perhaps tied to her not wanting to show up to an event alone? My aunt went through a phase after her divorce where she wouldn’t go anywhere without her son.
He’s 10. It’s doubtful he cares what his mom’s friend is doing. I wouldn’t engage with her about this anymore and limit contact until after the wedding if she doesn’t “get” it.
Post # 8
You need to cut off the debate. Say “I am sorry you feel that way, but we believe it is perfectly reasonable to have an adults only wedding. We hope you will come but it is your decision “
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Your “friend” can stuff it. I would cease talking to her about the issue as you’ve already made your position clear. She can come alone or not at all, and hopefully sorts out whatever is lodged up her butt before that time.
Post # 10
Having an adult only wedding you have to accept that some people won’t be able to make it for whatever reason related to their kids. That does not mean you have to cave to every person who feels their child is “entitled” (WTF?) to attend.
TBH I’d be worried about her now just showing up with her kid in tow. This doesn’t sound like a reasonable person, and you might want to set sound boundaries in place for that.
Post # 11
stitchwitch86 : Oh, that’s rich. A helicopter mom (of a sensitive snowflake) calling the hosts of a child-free event “products of today’s society”. The irony here. . . OP, your friend is a drama queen. Have the wedding you want. As other PP have stated, tell her that you’d love if she could attend but understand if she can’t make it. Rinse and repeat.
Post # 12
What the actual F? Fiance and I have six kids between us and frequently get together with friends without our children and without their children. This is a wedding. It’s not uncommon for weddings to be adults-only events.
Does she take him with her everywhere? If you meet for drinks at a bar does her son tag along?
If she chooses to not attend that is her choice. I have a house full of boys, at that age they all would have preferred to stay home with a babysitter, pizza and movie or video games vs attending a wedding where they were expected to behave appropriately and had no one their own age to interact with.
Post # 13
After all of this do you even want her to attend now? Becuase I wouldn’t. She’s insulted you and your fiance and has the audacity to give you an ultimatum in the guest attendance of YOUR wedding. If you want to remain friends like PP’s have said, be polite but firm with your decision. Me, personally? I would tell her to do one.
Also it’s laughable that a 10 year old boy is HEARTBROKEN over this.. god she sounds truly horrible.
Post # 14
Well, at least now you know she’s nuts. I wouldn’t give a second thought to letting this friendship go. Her poor son…
Post # 15
Ew. Life is too short to have “friends” like that. As previous people have said, be firm with your no kid rule and consider letting go of this friendship.