(Closed) Tentatively Approached by BIL and SIL About Surrogacy

posted 2 weeks ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
Post # 2
Member
10814 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@laurana1:  

 I am not at all knowledgeable about any of the techicalities or even the physical aspects, but l do feel strongly that using your eggs would be potentially disastrous. As you say, it would be your own biological child you then had to relinquish. Worse, you would be probably be around him or her all your life. Actually, l think even just being a gestational surrogate with donor eggs would be hard enough. 
And would it be your bils sperm either way ?  That alone would give me pause. I could not do it and would not do it even without the complication of your own pregnancy and birth schedules.

This such a huge emotional dilemma/ decision …you don’t say anything about your husbands position on this, so I assume he is on board with whatever you decide . I do hope it all works out and that if you do decide against it your sister and bil will be ok with that . The very best of luck whatever course you steer. 

Post # 3
Member
2984 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I have done IVF so I can answer some of your questions.

*** You will both need to get a fertility lawyer, this is absolutely important even though it’s family 

Also please know that it is ABSOLUTELY OKAY to turn them down.  Do not feel guilty if you decide not to do it for any reason, including your own timeline to have children.  Surrogacy agencies are here for that reason.  

Personally there’s no way I would ever use my eggs and carry my baby and give it to someone else, 💯 out of the question.  

So, essentially if they were to produce embryos one way or another (sil eggs or donor eggs), your part would be to have all the medical screening done (blood tests, urine, pelvic ultrasound, sti etc).  At my clinic they will do transfers less than a year after childbirth as long as weaned (you technically may be *able* to BF during it, but personally I weaned because I didn’t want my son exposed to the hormones of my next embryo transfer).  

Once cleared as a surrogate you would likely go on birth control pill for scheduling the transfer, then have an appt for pelvic ultrasound and blood draw, start estrogen and have another appointment 12ish days later to check your lining thickness.  If it’s good, you’ll start progesterone (either as a once daily needle or 3 times daily vaginal suppositories), and the transfer would be 5 days later (essentially it’s awkward like a pap, quite quick).  Blood test 10-14 days later, then further monitoring if you are pregnant.  You stay on meds for most of the first tri then stop and it should carry on like a regular pregnancy.

The things to also consider, like how many attempts would they want you to try in a row if they don’t work (a transfer does not guarantee a pregnancy), which would put your own possible pregnancies on hold as well.  Again, it is okay to be selfish about this decision and that is how a lawyer helps to make things fair because it can easily be skewed due to being family.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@laurana1:  “What is holding me up most is the timeline of things and just thinking of how this will impact my own family. I also do worry about the financial side but I know that is their business. I feel bad not wanting to use my own eggs since I assume that would be a lot cheaper.”

I am a woman who struggled with fertility and ended up adopting. I don’t have any answers to the medical aspects of what you are asking, but I do want to address some of the emotions you are expressing, such as feeling bad about not being able to save them a ton of money using your own eggs. DO NOT LET SYMPATHY FOR THEIR SITUATION BE A DECIDING FACTOR. Put yourself, your own family, your own timeline, and your own feelings FIRST. It is not your obligation to solve this fertility issue. If, after considering your own needs and desires, surrogacy fits in, then go forward. If you have strong reservations, don’t do it.

Post # 5
Member
2984 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I wanted to elaborate to the financial side – which varies by country, im in Canada – here legally surrogates cannot be paid for their pregnancy, however they can essentially claim anything even remotely related to pregnancy for intended parents to cover (groceries, gas, clothing, cell phone), also child care necessary for attending dr appointments, and the IPs are required to pay for lost wages due to time off work for appointments and even if the surrogate requires bed rest, the lost wages would be paid for.  Since you are likely in the USA, they would cover all costs of dr appt (the lawyer would tell you if you put if through your own insurance or not, if you did they would have to pay the deductible and copays), all prescriptions,… this is not a cheap process, and just because you are family doesn’t give them the right to try to use you to save money because you may be less inclined to charge them for everything you need.  

 

Also things to consider, even though your pregnancy was uncomplicated, what would you do if you had to be admitted to the hospital for a month or two?  How would that impact your husband and children? What if something went wrong in delivery and you required an emergency hysterectomy and were unable to have anymore children yourself? (I know someone where this happened a few months ago).  What if it takes 2-3 years for their surrogacy to be complete, then you struggle to conceive anymore children of your own? Often surrogate candidates are finished having their own children before pursuing this process.

just a few other things to consider.

Post # 6
Member
4786 posts
Honey bee

On the financial side, you need to make sure your insurance (assuming you are in the US) does not contain an exclusion  re: using your maternal benefit while acting as a surrogate (medical and leave). If it contains that exclusion, the costs would significantly increase. And what if you lost those benefits mid pregnancy (either because of job loss or annual policy changes)? I would only proceed if your in laws put the entire estimated sum into escrow (plus a contingency for any special circumstances).

Post # 8
Member
2984 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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@laurana1:  if they use donor eggs, I believe you usually buy 6 at a time, which technically could lead to 6 embryos.  So my question of how many times, would be if you tried to transfer the first and it failed, would you basically plan to continue back to back until pregnancy achieved or all embryos used up? That process could take a few years depending on the clinic.  (Also they just transfer one embryo at a time, most clinics require a natural period cycle between transfer attempts).

As far as meds, estrogen is usually a pill and is continued until 10-13 weeks, progesterone (either daily shot or suppositories) are continued h til 10-13 weeks also.  

Post # 9
Member
2771 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I know it sounds crazy, but search the surrogacy tag on TikTok. I follow someone whose sister was a traditional surrogate for her, so my FYP puts out a lot of surrogacy content. It gives a great overview of the process! 

Beyond that, I have no experience, but I wish you luck as you navigate this decision. Prior to having my son, I always thought “hmm, maybe I could be a surrogate one day”, but now the only person I’d even consider it for is my sister. I also now know I could never personally use my own eggs. Don’t feel bad at all for having that as a boundary, it’s amazing when people feel comfortable with it, but you’re not being weird for being uncomfortable with it. 

Post # 10
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@laurana1:  I would probably say no…you are 31 and want more kids…do what u want & don’t feel guilty…they can foster or adopt or get a different surrogate if they want a family that bad…it’s not on you…either decision you make ur a rockstar for considering 😃

Post # 12
Member
2984 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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@laurana1:  with my fertility issues my RE had recommended surrogacy at one point, and honestly we would have had to budget about $100k to cover a surrogates lost wages, etc (we declined for other reasons though).  

Honestly before even considering the amount of compensation you would request, they should pay for you to have a consult with a fertility lawyer (has to be a separate one than they would use) and a psychologist who specializes in fertility (my clinic requires a psych consult for stuff like this regardless).  You shouldn’t be trying to navigate your thoughts of this alone, and definitely shouldn’t be trying to figure out what is fair compensation without an attorney experienced in this area.  It’s 100% reasonable for them to pay for those things for you while you are in the information gathering stage of this process, knowing you can back out at any time.

 

personally, if I were 31 and planning more kids I wouldn’t consider being a surrogate until my family was done.  Although I made the process seem “fast”, it’s still time away from your own timeline and it’s a lot to sacrifice for someone else (family or not).  

Post # 14
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

My understanding is that being a surrogate is best after you are done having your own children because of the risk to your own ability to have more babies.  I say don’t do it. 

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