Post # 61
I’m glad you’re being thoughtful but here’s my take. And I’m pretending that I’m 10 years younger. Because at my age and we want to try for one it would be a hard no from me.
That aside since this clearly interferes with your own family planning I’d love to suggest another option. Instead of no forever you complete your family first and then you can deal with what comes with that (maybe you have one easily or not but you don’t have it complicated with this). Then when complete you can then consider being a surrogate.
Obviously don’t make them wait for an answer for years but for now it’s a hard no until you can heal postpartum and then consider a second baby. Then if they still want to go ahead with it (if you are still up for it) then revisit if they haven’t started the process elsewhere. I’ve changed my mind and added a response below after rereading the thread.
Post # 62
Changed mind and comment. Edited
Post # 63
I just reread the posts and you sound really unsure. And for something of this magnitude it needs to be a yes I really want this. This isn’t anything to feel bad about this was a huge ask from them. This sounds like a no. And that’s ok. It’s ok to say no.
Post # 64
I think this is an important question to consider:
Given that they have been striggling for a while now at any time during this period (prior to them suggesting it) did you think hey maybe I should offer to be a surrogate? So I am basically asking would you have independently brought up being their surrogate if they hadn’t asked?
Think hard and be truthful.
Post # 65
I was thinking the same thing, in relation to organ donation. “It never hurts to ask” does NOT apply to things this serious, this personal, with this much potential for a “no” to be guilt-inducing.
I have no experience with surrogacy, but I am a living organ donor, so I have some pretty strong feelings about this. I donated a kidney to my husband (non-direct, because we weren’t a match), but if I had not been able to, we would not have asked anyone we know (friend, family member, or acquaintence) to donate. If someone had offered, we would have considered, but only if the original idea was theirs.
Post # 66
Thanks bees. Sorry I went MIA for a bit, we had a busy few days and I wanted time to really process all these responses and sit with my feelings.
When they first asked, my first thought was “this isn’t even possible given my own desires for my family”. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it *might* be possible. That was when I came here to consult you all, to see if it was possible given the difficulty of ivf and our specific circumstances. The answer was “maybe… but it would be incredibly hard”. Then I asked myself “if this IS possible… is this something I *want*?” A question most of you were already touching on.
It is with some sadness that I have found the answer is no. I don’t want to have to worry about weaning my daughter early, I want her to wean when we are ready, at whatever time that may be. I don’t want to be worrying about injections as soon as she’s a year old. I don’t want to be nervously taking pregnancy tests, hoping for good news to report. I don’t want to provide daily updates on everything I’m feeling for nine months (not that I think I will be hassled, but they’ll worry and I’ll feel obligated to “keep them in the loop”). I don’t want to spend my daughter’s toddlerhood pregnant for someone else. I don’t want to go through pregnancy and labor just to let the baby go. I don’t want to sit at home during my maternity leave, healing and pumping for a baby that isn’t in my arms. I don’t want to be back-to-back pregnant in all my young 30s. I don’t want to push back our own timeline, or even feel pressured to decide a timeline, when we’re just getting used to baby #1. I don’t want to worry I’ll have to start counting the months until we can try for ourselves. I don’t want to worry about if we are waiting “long enough” between that pregnancy and my own possible next one. I definitely don’t want to worry about the cost, and insurance, and telling everyone at my work that I’m pregnant but the baby won’t be staying with me, and fussing if people are paying more attention to me than SIL (because I want her pregnancy and child to be all about her and us celebrating her, and I’d feel uncomfortable taking any part of that). It would be hard not to let myself fall too in love with the little kicks. Hard to worry about all the “what if’s” and “worst case scenarios”. And all of that when what I really DO want to do is just spend all my time loving on my little girl and soaking up this time that is already passing by way too fast. I don’t want to feel I missed my own baby growing up just so I could focus on someone else’s dream of a family, no matter how much they deserve it and I want them to have it. It does suck because I know the joy I have and how much it would mean to them. But you’re all right that it is just such a huge sacrifice, and I’m just in a place that I feel good saying yes.
I do feel sad but at peace with this decision. I will see if there are other ways we can continue to support them. They really would be incredible parents and just the way they treat my daughter shows how much joy it would bring. But we aren’t the right fit. Thank you for all the helpful comments and for those who also asked why I feel guilty or obligated as I didn’t even realize how much that was factoring in. I do want to address the comments on why they asked in the first place- 99% sure that is my husband’s fault. He made an offhand comment once that I could be a surrogate. Just blurted it out. And I was kind of like “uhh… I’m not so sure about that honey” but the idea was out there. I do know he supports me and will back up my decision 100%. And Brother-In-Law and SIL won’t blame me. So anyway I don’t think they were trying to be creepy. But I will admit just being asked is a lot of pressure.
I also super appreciate the advice about how to decline in the kindest way, and what not to say (like suggesting alternatives or literally anything other than “I’m so sorry, but the answer is no”) because that is super helpful. I do love my SIL and Brother-In-Law and I feel so much for them and just don’t want to cause any more pain on top of what they’ve already endured.
I’d like to keep this thread open a bit longer in case anyone else would like to respond. I know I always hate when a thread abruptly closes- sometimes I feel like I get no closure lol. But I appreciate the help on this one. I also want to say thank you for everyone who said they supported my choice even if they thought I should say no. That made me feel like the choice was still mine and I wouldn’t be berated or attacked if I chose differently. I appreciate you all!
Post # 67
I think you made the only rational decision you could for all the reasons you listed and 100 more that you probably haven’t even thought of yet. You are obviously a very giving and generous person, but to put your own plans and your own child’s needs at risk never made any sense at this stage in your life IMO.
I can better understand now why they asked you. I don’t even know what I would have said to your H in your place. Coming from a good place in his heart notwithstanding, what was he thinking?!
Post # 68
so glad you though this through
What the heck was your husband thinking? You wouldn’t offer up someone else’s kidney
Post # 69
I have to agree with the “what on Earth was your Dh thinking”! Your uterus is not for rent! But I am glad that you thoughtfully considered all the possibilities and came to what I agree is the right decision for you.
Post # 70
I’m seconding this and saying WTF to that suggestion without even pre consulting you.
Post # 71
Yes, at times my husband does not think at all. This was definitely one of those times! Thanks bees for all your help. I’ll close this out now as I feel my situation was resolved.