Post # 17
@mrsgrant: Man, this made me really angry when I read it! I can’t even imagine how I would feel if my fiance freaked out on me like that!
My fiance and I are paying for our wedding next year, so we initially agreed not to get each other anything (or, if we were going to buy each other something, it would be something small). I stuck to the bargain and only spent around $25 to renew his favorite magazine. He spent way more and bought me a KitchenAid stand mixer that I really wanted!
He could have been upset that I didn’t spend as much on him as he did on me, but he didn’t care. I told him I felt guilty, but he insisted that he wanted to get that for me and was aware that he went way over budget. I’m planning to use my gift to bake him something of his choice as an additional “gift,” and he was more than happy to accept that.
If he had gotten angry over the fact that he spent way more than I did, I wouldn’t even know how to react. I feel like your husband is definitely in the wrong here. Did he buy you a more expensive gift because he just assumed you’d do the same? Even if you can afford something, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to buy it!
I understand that you’re trying to figure out why he’s behaving this way (you mentioned he’d lost his father and had some other family issues), but I don’t think you should just excuse it. People grieve in different ways, but it’s not normal to freak out on your wife because you didn’t get a gift you wanted, tell her you’re going to return her gift for something less expensive so you can use the extra money on yourself, and then refuse to speak to her for the rest of the day.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with his rude, childish behavior but you shouldn’t feel like you need to give in and get him the laptop. If anything, this would make me less inclined to do a gift exchange at all in the future!
Post # 18
+1 to both.
I agree with PP, he is being a totally spoiled little child. I guess in the future you two will need to write out your gift ‘budget agreement’ so that he can’t claim to forget!! Or else maybe you can agree that Christmas is a time for you to each splurge/buy yourself something that you’ve been wanting all year. I’m at a loss for words, really. I would be really bummed out if I were you too. But definitely don’t cave and buy him the laptop, it would reward him for terrible behavior!!
Post # 19
Thanks for all of the advice. It REALLY helps to get add’l perspectives. I will give us both some time to cool down and then see if we can talk things out. I will not be buying him the laptop 🙂 everyone warned me the first year of marriage was the hardest, but I must admit I didn’t see this coming.
Post # 20
@mrsgrant: wow. That is terrible. My fiancé and I set a budget and I went a little over it and he bought me a beautiful necklace and went way over it, but wasn’t mad at me. He did it because he wanted to surprise me and he wanted to do it. Not for a gift in equal value back bc I was supposed to read his mind.
you should tell your husband you are hurt by his actions.
Post # 21
@mrsgrant: “he would like to exchange the purse for a $300 one and use the rest towards his laptop.”
This is preposterous! He is behaving like a little child. Appalling.
Oh, and this: “I’m wondering if it is some grieving mechanism due to his father’s death and other family issues?”
If it is, it’s a self-indulgent one. I lost my mother when I was 13, and I can promise you the last time I treated it as an excuse to behave badly was… when I was 13. Grieving is a lifelong process but it isn’t a lifelong excuse to act like an asshole.
Post # 22
Man, I’d be done giving HIM presents. Next time a birthday or holiday rolls around, “I just don’t think I can do it right, after the ungrateful way you yelled at me last time… I think I’d better just not get you any presents at all, to avoid feeling not good enough in the future.”
Post # 23
Even if you didn’t want the purse you need to return it. Keeping it will make it look like you are being incredibly selfish. Return the gift and put the rest into savings if you wont get him the laptop because in all honesty I’d be upset if I was your husband and you kept a 1,000 bag and got me a gift card and clothes when you are worried about the budget.
Post # 24
Oh wow. I don’t even have words for how totally unacceptable this is…
Post # 25
@mrsgrant: You are right. He is wrong. He’s being very childish. I would return the purse. It doesn’t really make sense to keep it. It’s more an issue of his attitude.
Post # 26
You did everything right, and he threw it in your face. You are absolutely in the right here.
Post # 27
aren’t finances shared now that you guys are married? we just had our first christmas together too, and I gave him a keychain and he got me a charm (for my bracelet) and that was it. we’re definitely not poor but christmas is nobody’s birthday, it’s just a day to appreciate family and spend some time together, do thoughtful things for each other… I would NEVER dictate what he had to give me as a present, and I don’t want anyone telling me what to buy them (unless I ask, and unless I have no good ideas of my own). if I tell them what to get me then it’s not a gift from them, it’s a gift from myself through them to myself, lol! (this only works when you’re a kid and have no money and ask your parents to get you gifts. but as adults with your own money, you can just buy whatever you really want!! and it’s up to other people to buy things you didn’t know you want, but is actually nice too.)
I understand gift-giving as a language of love, I really care about gifts too, but it’s not about the monetary worth of the gifts… rather the thought behind it. you must’ve spent time picking out all those nice clothes for him, which is definitely a thoughtful gift!
I don’t understand why he didn’t just buy the laptop for himself and stay on budget with the gift to you. perhaps he is frustrated that all his hint-dropping didn’t work out as planned, ha! or perhaps he’s a little strange and WANTS the laptop to come from you so he can feel like it’s a gift of love rather than self-indulgence? hmmm
Post # 28
My father died right around Christmas time too. Yes, I do get sad sometimes, but I never act like an ungrateful child! That is no excuse for him to behave that way. You are definitely in the right, and should stand your ground.
Post # 29
That was my question too…are finances shared??
Because, my first thought was well if you had the money why didn’t you buy him the gift you knew he wanted? And I talked to my Fiance about it and he thought the agreement to not spend more than 300 or whatever was the key factor.
So, if that’s the case, then I think in addition to all the other bee’s points I’d also want to discuss what it means to have an agreement regarding “shared finances.” For us it means no one is making 1000$ purchases without some sort of discussion about it.
Post # 30
Wow I would be so upset too. He is acting like a spoiled child and that would make me never want to buy him anything again. He owes you an apology for sure. I am sorry your 1st christmas didn’t go as expected:( But you weren’t not even close to being wrong in this scenario.
Post # 31
My boyfriend doesn’t like the holidays either because he’s a chef so for him it means alot of busy work around the holidays. However he still manages to spend alot of time and effort sweetly picking out or making fun gifts for me and my family, so I wouldn’t just blow it off because he’s not a big fan of holidays. I would absolutely make him account for his behavior, he needs to realize what’s really important in life.