(Closed) Terrible First Christmas: Need Advice

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Can I just say ugh on the love tokens and gift cards. Love tokens were actually voted the worst gift to give your SO and gift cards?? Even from Best Buy is really a quick painless way of giving a gift with no thought. Thats just my opinion concerning gift cards.

That said and Im going to be unpopular here for saying this, why didnt you buy him the laptop? If you knew he really wanted it why wouldnt you? I can see if you didnt have the money but he had been making it obvious that he wanted that as a gift and you said you could afford it.

His response was completely inappropriate and there is no excuse for that. I would guess that your husband is one of those people who likes to spend alot of money and see the joy on someones face.

A comment that really stuck out is this one,  A bit of background: We’ve had some tension lately with him feeling that I’m “cheap” when it comes money.

Have there been other instances where your frugalness have come off as stingy or selfish to your DH? If there have been other instances, what are they and how did you handle them?

Money is the number one issue between couples. It can become a defining problem in alot of marriages. Fiance makes more money than I do. He also comes from a well off family and they believe in spending money. Im more frugal mainly because I make less money than he does. However Fiance hinted that months ago he wanted a harley davidson leather jacket for christmas. I saved money from every pay check from August in order to buy it.  However if I couldnt have bought the jacket he would have loved any gift I gave him but it did my heart wonders to see the joy on his face when he opened it.

I digress.  If you have a significant rainy day fund, 800.00 in the grand scheme of things isnt going to break you. Christmas in our house is about going the extra mile for the people we love. I would say the 800.00 spent is alot less painful than having a ruined holiday.

 

Post # 33
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry you had to deal with this on Christmas, his behavior is ridiculous! Has anything like this happened before? I just can’t believe that an adult would get so huffy over a gift, especially a thoughtful (and price-y!) one like the one you gave. I felt terrible this Christmas because the main gift I bought my husband hasn’t arrived yet so I only had a new cellphone case to give him, but he was thrilled — or at least pretended to be, haha. The holidays should not be about presents. It’s about spending time together as a family. If he’s so touchy about the gifts, maybe you just shouldn’t do any and he can just buy himself that new laptop he “needs.”

Post # 34
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

View original reply
@TexasSpringBride: my DH LOVES the love tokens I gave him years ago, and he’s still using it to this day lol! but yeah I hate gift cards too, though it’s a pretty normal gift it seems. however, she is in no way wrong because they already agreed upon a limit, and he was the one who decided to break it for whatever reason.

but wait, is he pouting because, after he spent the money to buy the expensive bag, he can no longer afford to buy his own laptop? he was counting on you covering him? if that’s the case, and you guys don’t have shared finances, I would just give him the extra $700 or whatever’s the case how much he “overspent”, so he can buy himself the laptop. and don’t count it as a christmas gift.

I NEED good computers to do my work/enjoy daily life, so it’s not even an issue. if I want a new laptop, I’d buy one, and same for DH. but we wouldn’t get it as gifts for each other… strange.

Post # 36
Member
3354 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It’s basically “I got you a $1000 purse because I wanted you to get me a $1000 laptop!”

Disgusting.

Post # 39
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

What a childish a-hole…

Sorry.  But…WOW. 

Post # 40
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  I am so sorry to hear how your holiday went! 🙁 If it makes you feel better, we also had bumps in the road for our first Christmas.

  I do agree that your husband is being selfish. The budget was set for a reason, and part of that is to make sure everyone is on the same page. We also set a budget in our house (maximum of $150, since we just bought a brand new washer/dryer) to keep our expectations in that realm. Your husband basically set himself up for disappointment when he chose to go over that budget. 

  I agree with what a PP said. I would give youselves a few days after the holidays, because sadly, the holidays can bring out the worst in people. I would let him know that what he said did hurt you. You guys worked out a budget in advance and you didn’t appreciate his comments. Hopefully, in a few days, he will have calmed down and returned to his normal self.

  Plus…I think it does hurt more, because it is your first Christmas as a married couple. I wanted our first one to be perfect, as well, but we had some family issues that came up (basically, a lack of communication is what it boils down to), and I ended up in tears.

Post # 41
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@mrsgrant:  I think coordinating the gift cards with other family members was actually quite sweet. It sounds like you were trying to facilitate the buying of the laptop within the rules you both agreed to about money. Had Fiance done that for me I would have been quite touched.

I’d probably want to return the bag and forget about all future gift giving holidays. He lost a loved one so he’s going to be a jerk to other people who love him?? Forget that

Post # 42
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

View original reply
@nikix: +1 

Post # 43
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

he’s being absolutely ridiculous and a total brat. also, saving is smart, not being cheap–dh and I have quite a bit in savings yet we still tend to cap the amount we spend on each other to like $200 or less, because savings are really important! we want children in the next few years and they’re going to be super expensive, and so is retirement! or what if one of us has an accident and we need $ for hospital bills? Or, I’d rather spend that money on a vacation than stuff. if we spend more than that on a gift, we usually say that it’s for more than one holiday, like bday + anniversary + Hanukkah. 

Post # 44
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mrsgrant:  Wow! Umm this just makes me even more thankful that Fiance is a pennypincher. If FI spend $1000 on me for Christmas when we agreed not to spend a lot, I would be the one pissed! Especially if we were married and had joint accounts!! But seriously tho, if he EVER got mad at me for NOT spending enough on him I would rip him a new one for being such a materialistic ass!! Just sayin…

Post # 45
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@mrsgrant:  $800 is a TON of money to spend on a Christmas gift, even if you can afford it.  And if he didn’t even tell you which laptop he wanted.

My fiance got me a gorgeous $400 Coach purse for Christmas, as well as some other things.  He probably spent over $600.  I spent $200 on him because most of the things that he likes are cheap.  I told him how badly I felt about not spending as much as him and he told me not to worry about it.

I would be FURIOUS that he took the purse back.

Post # 46
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I have to jump in here after reading some of the comments. Your husband is not acting like a man – he’s acting like a child. Creating a $300 budget for gifts after dropping a huge chunk of money on a wedding is not “cheap” – it’s responsible. Your husband going out and dropping $1,000 on one gift because he expected the same in return is irresponsible and he is at fault for breaking the agreement. It sounds to me like your husband needs a serious adjustment when it comes to the way he thinks and acts toward spending money – if he pisses through his rainy day fund he won’t have it when he needs it the most. Plus, the fact is, he needs to see saving as important and not “cheap,” since it is.

When you buy or give someone a gift it should be because you want to give to that person, not because you expect something in return. If you also go out of your way to buy what you want the person to have, not what the person him/herself wants, then that is also pretty selfish. And that sounds exactly like what your husband did on both counts. I don’t think that you should buy him the laptop. The gifts that you gave him were very generous, on top of the fact that those gifts upheld an agreement that you entered in together. After reading some updates on the way your husband has reacted toward other gifts he’s received, it sounds like your husband is ungrateful when people do for him, and that’s definitely not a quality that should be found in a marriage, especially not when he’s ungrateful for what his wife does for him. 

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