(Closed) Terrible First Christmas: Need Advice

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Don’t you guys have joint finances anyways? I don’t get why he is so upset if you are basically giving him a gift card of your shared money that he could go spend on the laptop at any time. 

Post # 94
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@PinkMermaid:  He chose to ignore the budget they both had agreed upon with the hopes that she would do the same. When she didn’t, he had a fit. Why should she ignore the budget they both agreed upon when a) she didn’t know he was going to do it and b) she was finding a reasonable way for him to get his laptop without going over budget? If he hadn’t gone over budget, he would have had $700 plus the $250 gift card, PLUS the gift cards from her family. Why should he expect that she should go over the agreed upon budget just because he did? He chose to do that. He knows she’s not like that. So just because he’s materialistic, she should go over their agreed upon budget?  That makes no sense.

Post # 95
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@PinkMermaid: And for the record, an expensive bag isn’t exactly a fabulous gift if it’s given with a shitty attitude. She didn’t ask for that. 

Post # 96
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

Get him a V-Tech laptop ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Christmas is not supposed to be a spending spree… Even $300 is a LOT to spend on gifts for one person, imo. I must be cheap too.

Post # 97
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow just wow! I do not think you are being cheap in your gift. You agreed on your limit beforehand so he has no room to freak out. It isn’t like you are telling him he cannot get a laptop. You just stuck to your limit. He can pitch in the rest of the gift cards and he will get it for his b’day.

DD’s b’day is the second week of January and she always takes her gift cards from Christmas and combines it with her b’day money to buy the things she really wants. If a twelve year old can handle delayed gratification so can DH. If he really can’t handle delayed gratification you might want to get a pysch eval done as he probably has bigger issues. ๐Ÿ™

I have been sitting here feeling so guilty for how much we spent this Christmas. Fiance spent over 1/3 of it on me. Fiance loves buying gifts and this year he actually had money lol. We cap our gifts to our family, friends and children. We have never capped our gifts to each other but I think we may need to in the future. I did receive things I absolutely needed but still it makes me feel guilty. ๐Ÿ™ Fiance knows that they only way for me to have the things I need though is to gift them to me as I will never agree to spend money on myself. Could that be DH’s problem?

Post # 98
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

I just want to reassure you that you are not alone or weird, and things can totally work out fine as long as you can both have a real dialogue about money. Neither of you are bad people or anything.

Do you have money disagreements with your husband outside of the context of gifts?

If not, I don’t think there is a huge problem here. It sounds like you’re financially OK with him getting the laptop, so it’s just a question of you not understanding each others’ gift giving styles. It sounds like he likes his big splurges on quality necessities to come in the form of gifts. I think of gifts more as less-expensive extras, but it’s OK to prefer an expensive gift as long as it’s a purchase that’s otherwise practical and in-budget (like the laptop). I would hate to try to pick that out for somebody else, but hopefully you could work on that with him. And he really needs to realize that you did put thought, effort, and money into his gifts even if he doesn’t like the end result.

But if you do have money disagreements other than gifts, you need to have an ongoing dialogue about money. I completely sympathize with you, because I am a huge saver and frugalista. I could not deal with someone who spends like crazy and then expects to benefit from MY saving habits. It sounds like you were able to work some of this out already, but unfortunately if you have different spending habits you will have to revisit this issue throughout your marriage as your financial situation changes. Maybe you need to agree on what percentage of each of your accounts/earnings will be saved vs. spent in a given year. If you’re able to talk that through, agree on it, and live with it, I think it would resolve most of your money differences.

Good luck and I hope your new year is a lot more fun than your Christmas!

Post # 99
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@MissBettsy:  +1

I don’t understand why he didn’t buy the laptop himself. As an adult I don’t look to others to buy me things I need as gifts. From reading the Bee today it seems like christmas brings out the little child in a lot of people. The problem is that the child is having a temper tantrum!

Post # 100
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

I would kill DH if he went over our budget by that much. I’d return the purse myself. You absolutely should have given him a piece of your mind, he’s acting like a spoiled 4 year old. I’m really glad both DH and I are savers – do you talk about money/budgeting on a regular basis? It might be a good idea to discuss it more often and keep communication open on it since you seem to have quite different philosophies on finances. 

Post # 101
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He’s acting like brat. For his birthday, you should get him nothing because its what he deserves.

Post # 103
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

View original reply
@4cube:  this is a really great response. Totally agree! Ongoing communication is really important on issues like this where you aren’t of the exact same mindset.

Post # 104
Member
20 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@ErisInChaos:  Thank you for saying this. Some of the comments i’ve read are just plain ridiculous.

OP you all agreed to stick to a budget but he decided on his own accord to go above and beyond likely because he figured it would just blow you away plus make him look good.  He sounds like a tit for tat kind of guy to me, i’m doing this for you so i damn well better get it too.  His response, on Christmas day no less, was very inappropriate.  You have nothing to feel bad about.  He should be begging for your forgiveness right about now.  

 

Now, with that said, because he is being a dick, i’d take the purse back, give him ALL of his money from the return and say “Merry Christmas, enjoy that laptop”.  Then you go out with your money and buy whatever makes you happy IF you are in need of a little retail therapy.  Christmas should not be the time for a loved one to make you feel bad about the things you provide for them.  He is going to need to understand that it is not just about him anymore, nor are you a mind reader.  Also, you will need to be a little more willing to bend since you know what makes him happy.  You all really need to come to a better understanding on this financial business because i see nothing but more problems down the line i’m afraid.   

Post # 105
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@mrsgrant:  

What a spoiled brat.  He seriously sounds like a child.  I don’t know how other families do it but our family picks names and we usually set a limit of around a $100 for that person then everyone buys each other stocking stuffers around $15-20.  To me that is plenty to make for a fun Christmas.  I think the idea of spending $1000 on a gift is outrageous unless you’re millionaires.  I would be so pissed if I were you.  I don’t even have any advice.  I would just be mad as hell.  Sorry that happened to you ๐Ÿ™

Post # 106
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@PinkMermaid:  I disagree with this only because if she returns the purse it will start a-whole-nother fight.  If he got mad about what he didn’t get for Christmas and called her cheap he’ll get even more mad that she returns the purse and puts the cash away.

View original reply
@mrsgrant:  He’s a spoiled brat and it’s not your fault that he forgot the spending cap and spent more money.  Maybe he bought the $1000 purse in hopes that you would get the laptop.  You definitely need to have a talk with him and make sure he knows that he hurt your feelings and exactly what he did/said to hurt them.  You also need to discuss his gift giving behavior with him.  If he always expects a grand show you’re setting yourself up for failure and your relationship will suffer horribly. 

Also, don’t let him use the fact that his father died as an excuse.  My father died one week before Christmas and I nor no one else in my family was an asshole to others.   

The topic ‘Terrible First Christmas: Need Advice’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors