(Closed) Terrible First Christmas: Need Advice

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 107
Member
6262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

That is childish and petty. If a child did this it would be unacceptable.  Why should you allow it from a grown man?

Post # 108
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

I would definitely sit DH down and tell him that we’re not exchanging presents on Christmas in the future, until we both learn what Christmas is about. 

This is just disgusting. What happened to giving and not expecting anything in return? I’m sorry but your husband really needs to start appreciating you more. 

Post # 109
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

WTF? A $1000 gift for one christmas!? A few $200 worth gifts!? That is A LOT… I never spend over $100 for one person. I sometimes treat myself for a $300 handbag but that’s only once a year if any. I must be very cheap.

This Christmas I wasn’t going to do anything because we have our upcoming wedding to pay for, but Fiance wanted to exchange very small gifts. I bought him a card and a set of mugs which WE will be using and he got 3 carnations…hmm I would have liked roses. Oh well.

You are not cheap at all. Husband is being ridiculous. Why doesn’t he just get the exact laptop he wants himself. And to place such importance on christmas presents is beyond me… I could understand if it was birthdays but even then $1000 is a lot IMO (btw I can afford it but I just don’t feel right spending that much)

Post # 110
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@OctBride-2012:  If she keeps the purse it will still be a fight though. He will probably think she is being incredibly selfish for keeping a $1000 bag when he doesn’t get his $1000 laptop. It will come off as greedy and stingy. If she can keep the $1000 bag why can’t he get his laptop? Is it ok for him to spend that much money on her but she cant spend that much money for him? Keeping the purse is what that suggests.

Post # 111
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

 

Personally, I would get him the laptop.

 
I don’t agree with how he approached the subject on Christmas, I do get why he is upset. 
 
I understand an agreement was made about a budget, but whose idea was that? 
 
Gifts are a big deal to some people (I am one of them!). I put lots of effort into the gifts I give DH and although he doesn’t care about presents he reciprocates because he knows I care about it.
 
I would let your DH know that he acted like a big baby but I would still buy him the laptop. 

Post # 113
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper

He’s being very rude. Demanding gifts is very gauche.

Fiance and I don’t always get each other gifts of equal financial value and neither of us gets snotty about what we’ve been given. Gifts are not mandatory, they’re always optional.

Post # 114
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

View original reply
@mrsgrant:  I have a first married Christmas story for you 🙂 DH and I set a $20 limit for our first married Christmas (we were both in college and saving up to pay down student loan debt). I got him a box of Walmart-brand Rogaine (he started balding years ago and I knew it was something he was self-conscious of and that he wouldn’t buy Rogaine for himself because of the cost)…and he got me a $2,000 Levian diamond necklace. Ultimate fail on my part! But he honestly took it like a champ and we had a good laugh about it.

Good luck with your DH– open communication is key!

Post # 115
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

“I would let your DH know that he acted like a big baby but I would still buy him the laptop.

So there’s a reward for an adult who breaks an agreement and then throws a tantrum when the person with whom he had the agreement doesn’t break it, too? 

 

Post # 116
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@PinkMermaid:  Honestly, a relationship is now about how much you spend on gifts much less spending the same amount of money.  He obviously got the purse for her because he wanted the laptop.  I would donate that purse before I gave it back to him to return.

Post # 117
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you should buy him the laptop. If you give in, he will think that he can always throw tantrums and get his way. I mean, what happens when/if you guys have kids? Will it be exceptable for them to be ungrateful if they don’t get exactly what they want? Personally, my Fiance and I decided not to exchange gifts at all because we are saving for the big day. It was HARD, and I felt bad when I didn’t have gifts for my family/friends like I normally would(I can imagine how it felt to get the $1000 purse knowing that you stuck to the budget that you guys set)but at the end of the day it is for a greater cause. You guys are gonna spend a lifetime together, and he’s going to have to learn to adjust when things don’t go his way. Plus, saving money is a good habit to have! I agree, wait a few days and talk it out with him.

Post # 119
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I forgot to add that my Fiance and I are total opposites when it comes to money! He is the big saver and I typically am the splurger. But through time, communication and compromising we are working at it….it hasn’t been easy though, because growing up, my family generally just spent and splurged on whatever, while his family is completely different. So even though I said don’t buy the laptop(his behavior was totally uncalled for), I do think you have to patient with him. I totally understand how it is hard to stop spending as much money as he was used to spending before you got married. His spending habits didn’t occur overnight, so this will be something that you guys have to work through together. 

Post # 120
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am not even going to sugarcoat it. Your husband is acting like an immature asshole. 

First of all, gifts are supposed to be freely given by the giver. They are not an entitlement. No one “deserves” something they want. 

Secondly, you two set a budget. Great! Even if you have very healthy incomes, budgets are important. Especially if you have just spent a good chunk of money on a wedding. It is completely unreasonable to expect that he would break that budget, or that you should break that budget. What is the point in setting a budget then?

Thirdly, even if your finances are still “separate”…they aren’t. If you are married, money spent on one thing is less money spent on other financial goals you may have together. You two sound worlds apart in terms of being financially together and sharing financial goals. Money IS a huge reason for couples fighting and splitting, and this IS very important.

Clearly your expectations around gifts are very different, and it is time to talk about how your expectations fit within your marriage. My husband and I will exchange gifts, but they tend to not be “huge” as any huge expenses are discussed. This Christmas we did not exchange gifts as we are going on a trip later this month and THAT is our gift, and we also tend to buy the things we want (and budget for) during the year rather than expecting the other to fill some sort of shopping list we have. We definitely would rather spend time and have experiences together than buy something we can buy for ourselves anyway anytime of the year. Stuff is stuff.

Fourthy, well, he is just an asshole. I know I said this already. I am sorry, but throwing a tantrum over not getting the gift he wants? Even my young nephews don’t do that! He is a grown up. If he wants a laptop he needs to communicate that, or talk to you about a way to budget for that together within the marriage finances.  He is not a child dependent on his parents to provide him with “things”.

Finally, you are not a mind reader. It is completely unfair to expect you to mind read what he wants, and get pissy if you don’t. People don’t stress communication for no reason!

I am not sure what to say here, but you two really need to come together on finances and budgeting, but that is as much as about sharing personal values and goals as it is about logistics. Oh, and yeah, being emotionally mature. In any event, Dave Ramsey and Gail Val-Oxlade both have some great books for couples as they learn to communicate and navigate finances.

Anyway, there is a very odd dynamic starting here, and now your refusal to give gifts is also playing into that. You two are supposed to be a team, not enemies trying to one-up or punish each other. Or call each other names (cheap, materialistic). Counseling, counseling, counseling. This is not just about a laptop, in my opinion. I would not at ALL be happy in a relationship with this kind of dynamic or idiocy going on, but this is what you have and I assume you do not want to just leave him at this point. I just hope he is equally as interested and committed to improving this dynamic, and the communication and honesty with each other.

 

 

 

Post # 121
Member
4759 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@mrsgrant:  Those sound like great steps for moving forward. One other you might want to consider – I know you’ve talked about this Christmas, but next year (before the actual holiday), sit down and discuss the budget and remind him that it’s important to you that you both stick to it (with some wiggle room – not $700 worth of wiggle room, though).

 

For the PPs who criticized love tokens and gift cards – the gift card was towards something he really wanted.  If it was a random gift card, it’s be different. As for love tokens – I’ve have a set from DH I love using at unexpected times. They’re fun!

 

 

The topic ‘Terrible First Christmas: Need Advice’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors