(Closed) Terrible Girl Invited to Wedding :( Need Advice/Thoughts (A little long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

#1 I’m so happy to hear your sister is okay and doing better! We also had an eating disorder in my FI’s family, so it’s fantastic to hear she’s feeling better 🙂

#2 Ugh, I’ve seen girls like this before, and sometimes men don’t seem to pick up on the “hidden meaning” to what they’re saying (i.e. they take everything literally lol) and it’s NOT COOL to make those comments when someone’s buying a wedding dress! She actually sounds nasty and maybe a little jealous of you, and someone that would say that to me is no friend of mine. Don’t pay any attention to those bitchy comments (although I totally get why you would be upset) and try to just think that she’s obviously got a problem that’s her problem and not yours.

I would sit Fiance down and explain how what she says makes you feel and that, if she was at your wedding, you would feel self conscious and uncomfortable. You do not have to invite her in my book: Fiance should explain to his friend the way his girlfriend makes you feel, and then he knows why she’s not invited. It’s then his problem to deal with. If she comes and apologizes, maybe you can rethink your position.

…And you will be beautiful on your wedding and supported by people who love you. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Firstly I am glad your sister is doing well 🙂

I get not liking someone and their personality but what I don’t get is why you think she is in your words a terrible person? Nothing you listed would really make her a horrible person. It sounds like she really wants to be apart of the group and despite trying the group has rejected her. Most people would realise this and cut their loses but it seems like as you said she is socailly awkward she hasn’t picked up on that. This doesn’t make her a terrible person this just makes her socially awkward and possibly lacking in a bit of tact.

It also sounds like she thinks she has more of a relationship with you than you think you guys have. This happens all the time amoungst friends/acquaintances- one party is more invested than the other again not something that makes a terrible person!

As for the dress discussion I think this comes back to the thinking she is your friend- maybe she felt she could openly discuss this amoungst your/her friends and it was after all just an opinion- everyone has one and not all are alike or what you want to hear. I know she touched on a raw nerve with the eating disorder but does she know about your sister (you didn’t say) and if she did maybe she is seriously concerned for you (you know like a friend might be)? Not saying she is right about you having an eating disorder but you know what I mean- she clearly is an awkward person and doesn’t know how to filter.

Honestly I kind of agree with your Fiance that your actions and reactions are a bit caddy/catty towards her. If you understand that she is socially awkward wouldn’t the nicer thing to do in this situation be to be nice to her, be a friend and maybe give her some guidance/help on social decorum? She is obviously overcompensating in her behaviour and who can really blame her is everyone hates her and shows it! I think she is just trying to get people to like her.

 

Post # 5
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@j_jaye:  I agree, I reacted the same way.

Honestly, I think it’s more awkward for your Fiance to have to tell one of his friends that his live-in gf isn’t welcome than it is for you to tolerate this girl and unless your wedding is tiny, you likely will barely speak to her!

I wouldn’t worry about it, drama happens, this girl sounds like she’s become the butt of a lot of jokes in your group so with that in mind, don’t take her or her comments too seriously and enjoy!

Post # 6
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

I have first hand experience with this, although not exactly in a wedding situation, but I know how you feel.

My sister is mentally handicapped –Not to say that this girl is– But I”ve grown up with my sister obviously and I love her, but she has made several awkward situations over the years.  Some of my family shun her sadly, and my situation is different because I love the person that puts me in these embarrassing, awkward, and sometimes hurtful situations.  But here are different coping mechanisms I’ve used.

My sister is attention seeking and insecure just like your girl.  So occasionally I FLOOD her with complements and attention right before I know something BIG for me is coming up, so that when MY event comes she does not see me as threatening to her need for a spotlight. Maybe if you call her and acknowledge she is invited and even say you look forward to her being there? And try to include her,… I know its a far stretch to allow her close to you but she is insecure because she feels threatened by you and pushing her away,… trust me,…. pushing her away will make it worse because it will confirm to her that she is being left out, which will make her react more to get attention.

I tell people ahead of time that my sister will be at big functions, (because I know some people can’t stand her) and I let them know that if it’s a problem for them, then they don’t have to come (also because I love my sister). But in your situation I know you can’t stand this girl, but letting your friends, who know her and how she acts, and any other friends and family know that she is coming and how you feel about her.  This will allow them to prepare for any possible stepping in they might have to do on that day, if she gets out of hand. AND they can buffer her away from you on your special day.

I know you might be thinking “I can’t belive she is comparing this girl to her mentally handicapped sister!” But in all reality, you don’t know why this girl is behaving this way. She may have some chemical imbalance or any number of other things wrong with her to explain why she does what she does. — But from your post it is obvious that she wants attention, she wants to fit in, and she is very insure.  And as much as it hurts, when someone who behaves this way, ignoring them is the worst thing you can do.

It may not go perfectly, acknowledging her and including her, she may still act up, but from what I’ve seen, things can get ooh sooo much worse if you try to hide her in a corner, or ignore her.

Post # 7
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

As to me, well, it’s YOUR wedding. I wouldn’t have nobody at my wedding that i didn’t want to and my Fiance would have to understand that.

 I did not invite the dearest aunt i have (my grandmother’s sister) because i can’t stand my “uncle” since the time she tried to suicide because of him. They eventually got togheter but i know for a fact that she has tried to kill herself a couple of times because of him. So, NO! But my grandmother said i could not just ask my aunt and not her husband so she advised me NOT to invite her at all..it grieved me, but that’s what i did -i had her with me on my wedding morning, while my cousin (her daughter) was doing my hair and make-up and although i felt terrible i knew in my heart i could not bear to have that man i hate at my wedidng. My husband agreed.

PS – i DID have one person at some point in the reception whom i did not want at the wedding  – my husband’s ex, but that’s because it was my stepson’s birthday as well so we thought we had to. She behaved (which not always happens..) but i am sure her sons and my cousins took  a close look after her. So..if you really, really, really have to, talk to some friends you can trust so they can help you deal with her. The very best of luck! In the end, you’ll be married to your love, so that’s what’s make it all worth it!

Post # 8
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This situation made me think of that unpopular wife in The Help – I don’t think you are being awful like the main group of wives though! I kind of think even though it is unfortunate you dislike her, she is the live in partner of a friend and so she gets an invite. Do the grown up thing  and call her and talk to her directly about the things she said that were hurtful. She obviously has poor social skills and is desperately seeking approval from a group of girls who have never really accepted her. Just tell her that saying things like she has is very hurtful.

You probably won’t even notice her on the day. Invite her and then forget about her.

Post # 9
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with @j_jayein that from what you describe, she hasn’t really done anything worth hating her over. Yes, saying that you couldn’t pull off a lot of dress designs and that you perhaps have body image issues wasn’t a very kind thing to do, but my first reaction in reading that was, why the HELL did your best friend feel the need to share that? You already did not like the girl, and hearing what she said got you super upset. I’d say your friend was in the wrong for telling you and stirring up drama.

Yes, the girl is annoying. But she is the live in girlfriend of one of your FI’s good friends, and Fiance doesn’t want to tell his friend she can’t come. It’s his wedding too. I think you should just let her come. Maybe have a mutual friend let her know it got back to you that she thought you had body image issues and she’d be best off not mentioning anything like that again.

Post # 10
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

She sounds really annoying.

That being said, don’t put your fiance in the position to possibly alienate or upset one of his friends over this chick.  I can’t imagine that it would be worth it – she’s lacking social graces and needs a lot of attention, but she’s still the girlfriend of one of your FI’s friends and unless you personally want to be responsible for the drama of breaking up that social unit, I suggest you treat her as another name on your guest list and move on.

TBH, there are a few of FI’s friends SOs that I’d rather not have around (the couple in an open 3-way relationship comes to mind) but THEY’RE HIS FRIENDS and it’s his wedding, too.

 

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t see how or why she labeled a terrible person. From what you desribed it sounds like she has a personality people don’t like, and she simply trying to fit in with her boyfriends friends quite desparately. while her oveertures about the wedding are annoying, I don’t think they are anything to get that upset and start crying over. I agree with your Fi.

I also would take anything third parties claimed she said with a grain of salt as you said no one likes her, and they may be trying to stir up the pot. If she marries this friend do you think it’s fair for her to invite just your Fi to their wedding?

I say since it’s your Fi wedding too and he clearly wants her invite her and stick her in t table in the back. Focus on your wedding, don’t give an time or effort into blowing this up into a bigger deal then it needs to be.

Post # 12
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You should never break up social unit- she’s a live in girlfriend. As much as you dislike her social awkwardness, you should not have invited her boyfriend if you didn’t want her there. 

Tell a bridesmaid that you do not want this woman to be within arm’s reach of you on your wedding day. Have people play bodyguard for you and you’ll never see her. 

Other things you can do: your Fiance can have a heart to heart with his friend and tell the friend that you both do not like her. The friend’s girl is welcome to come but he has to keep her away from the bride. 

You can also have a heart to heart with the girl. Let her know that what she said about the dress was incredibly offensive. And that the eating disorder comment was out of line. Give her a chance to apologise. A lot of socially awkward people have absolutely no idea that what they are saying is hurtful. 

Post # 13
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I get why you describe her as terrible, because I also know a girl who is terrible (well, I usually use the word “awful” but I guess it’s all the same). It’s not that she’s a terrible person per se, but rather that she’s terrible to be around, right?

The girl I know is a real piece of work. She is also very insecure, which in turn has made her jealous, petty, mean-mean-mean, and hopelessly negative. Every time I am forced to interact with her, my blood pressure goes up. Reading an email she sent raises my blood pressure. Seeing her facebook updates raised my blood pressure to the point that I had to hide her from my news feed (because if I deleted her entirely, she’d pitch a fit and that would, of course, raise my blood pressure even more). I detest her, because of the way I feel when I am around her.

The thought of her being at my wedding (which she thankfully was not) is a horrible one. I picture her sitting sullenly at her table complaining about everything, being sarcastic and snarky and generally bringing everyone else down. If I had been forced to invite her and she had shown up, it would have severely impacted how I felt because I would be constantly aware of where she was, what she was doing, whether or not she was behaving. I honestly don’t think I would have enjoyed myself nearly as much as I did.

So, if this girl makes you feel the same way Ms. Awful makes me feel, I’d try and find a way to get her to not come. I would have had a little chat with Ms. Awful beforehand and essentially said “if you’re going to be your usual bitchy self at my wedding, do me a favor and stay home.” Ttactful it ain’t, but it sure gets the point across.

Perhaps have a chat with your Fiance and really explain to him how she makes you feel. Not a list of things she’s done that pissed you off, but a description of how she makes you feel anxious/stressed/tense/ready to boil over and how you absolutely don’t want to feel that way leading up to and on your wedding day. If he at least fully understands the situation, then the two of you can come to a solution together.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I can sympathize – about inviting someone you’d really rather not have at your wedding.  I can relate to the fear that this person will say something pretty hurtful on your wedding day, whether the comment is made directly to you or to your friends and family.

Fiance and I really didn’t want to invite my Future Brother-In-Law & his gf… because we dislike the girlfriend so much.  But, Future Brother-In-Law is family, and he lives with the gf, so they were both invited.  Their RSVP indicates that we should expect both of them.  I’ve mentioned this to my mother, MOH and to Future Mother-In-Law & Future Father-In-Law, and they confirmed what I already know: the people who love me and Fiance aren’t going to put up with crazy, awful comments (about me looking bad in my dress, about my wedding being “cheap” or “tacky” or generally unplesant jabs about our relationship) so I know I have nothing to ACTUALLY worry about.

 I suspect that @gudjen:  is right.  A lot of the cattiness and drama that exists in your (and my) relationship is due to jealousy and wanting to be included.  It’s sad to be left out; I have been on the other side.  Sending an email to this girl, saying that you’re glad the two of them will be able to join you, probably will help to ease the tension – at least for one day.  As rotten as some of the things she says are, she may not realize how hurtful they could be.  There’s a good chance she’s not trying to be mean to (or about) you… she’s just kind of clueless.  Trying to give her the benfit of the doubt on that front might make it easier for you to see her at the wedding.  Since she’s a just guest, (and not party of the wedding party,) it’s unlikely that you’ll have to spend much time with her, unless you choose to, anyway.

Post # 15
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@loverednailpolish:  I say don’t invite her. Your Fiance needs to understand your feelings. I would tell him you would do the same for him if one of your friends BF’s wasn’t too kind to him.

However if she does end up coming, I would speak to your FI”s friend that he needs to watch her behavior as you will not tolerate her comments on your wedding day. Also, do you have friends who are not in the wedding party who will run interference? LIke maybe sit with her and follow her and watch her? Have your Maid/Matron of Honor always by your side and if she comes up to you have someone there to “take her out” if she says something inappropriate.

Good luck deary!

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