Terrible in-law relationship. Long post, but advice TRULY needed!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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mrscb2bee :  100% on point. Like no f*ck that. I refuse to ‘accept’ that this is my family now. NOPE! If my own flesh and blood did this, the answer would be the same: ‘go pound sand’. 

Post # 23
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Why is his fathers attempt to assault you being ignored? By your husband and your counsellor? Why do you have to make nice with someone that tried to cause you physical harm and then verbally abused you? 

I’m sorry but your husband and counsellor not addressing that and basically putting it on you to make nice is absurd. 

ETA: what if it HAD hit you? Or it wasn’t an ice cream that he threw at his goddamn daughter in law. What do they have to do to lose their relationship with your husband? This is all not ok 😕

Post # 29
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Bee, none of this is healthy. I’ve read just a bit of what you just updated and quite honestly, I’m speechless. Let me ask you a question…a couple questions actually.

 

1. Turn this situation around. What if your father screamed at your H and accused him of taking you away and then swinging at him to hit him. How would you react? Would you expect your husband to sweep it under the rug and move on like a “happy family”?

 

2. If/when you have children, will you raise them in hopes that they will stay emotionally enmeshed with you and act as a surroagte spouse to your future son when he’s an adult? Normal people have children and raise them to be independent adult. Normal women do not call their grown sons everyday and try to dismantle THEIR relationships. Do you see that? None of this is normal.

 

3. Since you’re so evil and have stolen their son, how will they treat your children? Since you seem so set on having them in your future kids lives. Do you realize Mother-In-Law will tell your kids how horrible you are? Is that what you really want? 

Your husband needs help. I would be giving him an ultimatum and refusing to see the two of them (his parents) again, my children/future children included. OP. Double up on birth control, because if you bring a kid into this mess, it’s going to explode further. 

 

 

Post # 30
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee

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newlymarried2017 :  

I know my husband will eventually want his kids to know his parents… and I don’t want to be the one making holidays (etc) awkward and divisive….. but yes, I wish I would never have to see or hear from them again.

Girl. You are RIPE for the picking going in with THIS mindset.

Your Mother-In-Law is an unhinged, controlling, enmeshed parent to your husband. SHE raises her voice, SHE goes berserk, SHE yells and curses, SHE defaults to emotional blackmail any and every time you attempt to even MILDLY stand up for yourself… yet YOU are worried about being the “awkward, divisive” one??!?!?!

You are FALLING for her manipulations!

You need to write this down on a note card and tape it to your bathroom mirror: Boundaries and healthy and normal. Boundaries are healthy and normal.

If YOU creating and enforcing boundaries (i.e. being HEALTHY) causes your in-laws to go off the deep end and behave erratically, then THEY are the ones at fault for any resultant awkwardness or division.

They are attmepting to make both you and your husband responsible for THEIR mental state and behavior.

Don’t let them do that. They are grown adults who know how to act. THEY are responsible for their own mental states and behaviors.

AS FOR HOW TO PROCEED:

Cut them both off. Indefinitely.

Any woman who raised her voice at me that way, not just once, but MULTIPLE times, would automatically be CO. 

Any MAN who threw something at me would be automatically cut off. And probably forever. I don’t fudge around with that sort of drama and nonsense.

You insist your husband is having difficulty with this, and will want his future children to be around these lunatics. Is that what YOU want?!

Do you really want your precious babies around this woman who will make them responsible for her mental state, treat them like object there to fulfill her needs, and invalidate them when they try to assert their autonomy?

Do you want them around this man who, when upset, THROWS THINGS AT PEOPLE?!?!?!

Woman. You need to GROW A BACKBONE.

These people have already behaved egregiously. I would be done. I would NEVER ever in a million years be open to “keeping a relationship with them for the grand children.” I would, instead, be doing everything in my power to keep the grandchildren AWAY from them. 

Just look at Brother-In-Law and SIL and their child. They know what’s up. 

It’s all fine and good to have empathy for your husband’s struggle. But that empathy stops at the place when he prioritizes his need to have a relaitonship with his supposed “best friend/Mom” OVER his need to prioritize and protect YOU, his W.I.F.E., for whom he vowed to forsake all others. 

And this line in the sand needs to be negotiated NOW, before grandchildren are anywhere in the picture. Because I guarantee you, if you continue to allow him to place his “mommy-wife” above you, when the time comes to have children, that pattern will have become firmly established and you will have one HELL of a time trying to recover ANY degree of power in your own household. 

Mother-In-Law will try to cleave herself to your children, and she will try to repeat the enmeshed parenting she practiced with her own children with YOUR children. 

As for everyone saying “I would go No Contact, but he can do whatever he wants,” this wouldn’t work for me. 

My husband sure as hell better cut off anyone (including parents) who verbally and emotionally abuse me, and especially anyone who THROWS things at me.

Because I am his wife. And I am to be placed above ALL others.

There is no fence-sitting where emotional and physical abuse are concerned. You either protect me, or I’ll find a husband who will.

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