(Closed) Terrible New Year's Eve.. please read :(

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014


Hugs… This sucks.  I remember having moments like these when I was waiting. Here’s my feedback:

Events that we build up to be a potential proposal: it is very dangerous when a lady convinces herself of when it’s going to happen without actually having a BF that is dropping hints about that specific event.  I remember more than one trip and plenty of date nights that I thought it could happen… I would put a little extra nervous energy into getting ready.  It never happened on those dates.  I never let myself get truly sad or upset or mad at him about it.  WHY? Because everything I’d convinced myself of happened entirely in my own head. I can actually understand him getting defensive, because you’re over the edge upset about not having a proposal when he didn’t seem to elude to a NYE engagement at all (or did I miss that part?)

Your personal walk deadline:  this doesn’t work, in my eyes.  If you seriously have a drop dead date that you would completely end the relationship by if not engaged, he needs to know.  You can’t just give up on him on 1/1/14 at 1am without him knowing that that moment changed everything between you.

Some guys are talkers: you know, all talk and no action?  also if you’ve watched sex and the city,  what you could call a “we-man.”  Wraps a woman up in all his “we” and future talk but push comes to shove and he’s not much for follow through.  I don’t know your BF so I can’t say if this is him or not, but try to think about other big plans he has and what he does to achieve them….  If the answer is nothing, then he’s probably just a talker and you’ll need to adjust your expectations and potentially have to work with him more (communication wise) to get him to that point…

Post # 33
957 posts
Busy bee

Sincerely speaking, I believe that he did not want you to go because HE does not want YOU to to leave HIM. I don’t think he is worried about you, but is worried more about himself. He keeps leading you on then letting you down. That sounds selfish to me

Post # 34
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Your “stop thinking about a proposal” should have been, like, yesterday if you really wanted a romantic surprise and didn’t want to be let down.  I think it’s the obsessing over the ring/proposal that makes waiting so hard.  I guess the silver lining is you got the verification you needed to stop thinking about it for a while?  I think it’s good you guys had this talk, but it doesn’t sound like you had any reason to expect a proposal last night – other than he mentioned in passing that it’d be cool to ask you onstage, and he happened to be onstage last night. And about this:

And now his thoughts have changed and I’m still the same. Everyone around us never waited either. Both our sets of parents were engaged way back when within a year. This is the best relationship we’ve both been in… and we both want a life together.. so why wait?

I just wanted to say …. it’s okay to change your mind.  He is allowed to change his mind about a timeline – but equally so, you are allowed to change your mind about whether or not you’re willing to wait and for how long.

Post # 35
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Claire324:  I’m so sorry OP- I can totally see why you would be upset. how long have you been living together? if I had moved in thinking I would get engaged/ assured of a future together while SO was getting his cake and eating it too I would be really upset. Have you thought about taking a step back and moving out? you should gather your thoughts first, but think about what you need- do you need to be engaged in the next year? Tell him. Is there something in particular stopping your man from committing (for my guy, it was affording to buy the ring he thought I needed). You don’t know until you ask! 

I was a waiting bee once- it was awful! SO promised we would be engaged by our two anniversary- not only did it not happen, but a good friend of mine got engaged that day to a guy she hadn’t been dating as long. I was devastated and I made sure SO knew how I was feeling and why. I was angry, starting to resent SO and felt like I just wasnt Good enough. A full 10 months later, SO finally proposed and I was so happy and it was all worth it. I don’t know your SO- I don’t know if he is all talk and no action, none of us do besides you. But you can get through this and you can be happy- just be honest. If you bottle it up, it may eat you alive. Hugs !

Post # 36
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Sometimes you have to leave. I was with my ex for nearly 8 years, he said he couldn’t get married (even went to a therapist.)  So I left.   Now nearly 10 years later we are both married to the right people.

I am not suggesting you leave, but taking a few days to clear your head and think about what you want is absolutely something you’re entitled to do.

Post # 37
2409 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You should be with someone who is excited to be with you. When peoples’ words don’t match their actions, I wonder why. The words or the actions are unauthentic. 

You are good enough to marry – please don’t think that you aren’t! Did you ever ask him why the timing wasn’t right? I can understand if there are things he wants to complete first, but if he’s making vague statements I would worry. (Hugs)

Post # 39
19 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

I completely understand where you are coming from.. I feel like once you have passed a year in your relationship you shouldn’t put a number on ‘when’ you get engaged.. every relationship is different and when you feel you are ready to take that next step than you take it and don’t let timeframes hold you back. Let it be romantic, let the relationship grow where it needs to on its own. I do however feel like a girl should give herself a ‘walk’ date, I was always scared I would be that girl that wakes up 10 years from now and say ‘ wow I just wasted 10 years with you to now realize i’m never going to get that proposal.

I’m sorry if this has been asked but how old are you? If you in your early 20s I say it’s too early to walk give it time. It is very wrong of him to give you hope like that if he doesn’t plan on getting married any time soon. I say before jumping the gun why don’t you talk to him.. tell him your at the place in your relationship where you want this and if he’s not ready right now you understand and will give him time but the least he could do is tell you if this is something that WILL happen. I get not being ready to take that step but after two years you KNOW 100% if you even want to take the step at all one day with you SO. Just sit down and talk maybe get a set time frame and tell him your concerns. I’m sure when you brought it up it came out of left field for him but now he at least knows it’s on your mind so I say go back to the table and revisit the conversation calmly and see what happens. Good luck <3


Post # 40
3154 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Claire324:  I’m sorry you didn’t have the NYE you hoped for:( I hope 2014 brings you all the happiness you deserve- maybe you and SO can discuss your goals together and if you don’t agree or he can’t commit to anything, I would consider possibly moving on. You deserve to be happy:)

Post # 42
34 posts

@beemyname:  +1


I also agree with the person who described a “we-man” and speculated that perhaps OP’s boyfriend is one of those. Looking back on it, I think a few of my exes were we-men. The one guy suggested we elope. He didn’t have a ring at the time (but had some money to get one if he really wanted) and said that he’d been planning to get me a ring and proposal for my birthday (7-8 months later) but was too excited to wait until then to ask me. But 2 months later, instead of us moving closer towards marriage/elopement, h

e broke up with me (we did get back together though but it was a very empty one-sided joke of a relationship), and after we broke up for good I called him out on being full of hot air and empty promises with no ring to even back up his supposed intentions to marry me. In response, he claimed thar he’d bought me a ring back before our first break, but was waiting to give it to me, and that then he became so upset about some nasty things I said to him when he broke up with me, that he drowned his hurt with alcohol and drunkenly threw my ring down a street water drain. I think the whole “ring” was nothing more than a guilt trip make-believe story. On a separate note, my ignorant family blew off plans to meet my child over holidays a few years ago and after I sent them sarcastic texts thanking them for being so supoortive, the one claimed she’d bought my child Christmas gifts but returned them to the store as “punishment” for my sarcastic (but true) text. Again, friends told me that she was lying and probably never actually bought those supposed gifts. My point is, because of those experiences, I am now very skeptical if someone says he is getting a ring made but never actually gives it after some time. The fact that he was shocked at you being upset for not proposing on holidays (which are only the most popular time of year to propose)–especially after he’d supposedly talked with you about marriage before–tells me that his “getting a ring made” was a hot air hypothetical that he maybe was thinking about doing in a non-serious hypothetical matter but never actually got done. I guess that goes along with him being a “we-man”.



I know a lot of p

eople already asked this, but you never answered it: just curious, how old are you and SO? That could explain some of SO’s actions and thoughts.

Post # 43
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

 Men aren’t mind readers, he might not have known you wanted to be brought up on stage for a surprise NYE proposal. He might not have known that to be married on Nov. 2013, now is a good time to get engaged. I know some women want to be swept off their feet, but that does give the man a lot of power. When two adults sit down and discuss their future and their timeline and clearly communicate expectations, the decision making power is shared equally. 

Post # 45
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@Claire324:  I’m sad for you. It’s horrible waiting arond for someone else to start the next phase of yor life. 

I do have to say, and this is just my opinion, but I really do not believe any man in the universe is dying to marry. Marriage is scary, especially to men. 

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