(Closed) Terrified and Don’t Know What to Do!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Wow – I would not tolerate any behavior like this.  Hot headed or not.  This is dangerous and scary.  I cannot imagine wondering if my FI/DH were going to react to something like this – it would scare the life out of me and would be seriously stressful.  I don’t have any firsthand experience with behavior like this – maybe other bees do – but my first reaction would be to go home ASAP and deal with it through counseling or mediation  later (if at all).  I would not want to be so far from home and be reliant on someone who behaves like this.

 

I hope at the very least he has cooled off and apologized.  I would tell him how much he has scared you – he should know that and hopefully feel awful about it.

Post # 4
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Its hard to say–To be honest alot of couples go through fights when planning a wedding it is a stressful thing but I know that talking about your feeling etc about the wedding may help. I am not sure he he was trying to hurt you or if he was just angry that you locked him out either way what he did was not acceptable but only you know for sure if u stil want to marry him..has he done this b4?

Post # 5
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Fiance andI are like that also. But it has never gone that far as to him or I damaging something.

Could you stay at a hotel for a night or 2 until he cools off and realizes that was over the line?

Post # 6
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Screaming and yelling is one thing, but being so mad that it escalates to physical violence could be a warning sign… WIthout knowing your Fiance, it’s hard to say if it’s a sign, or he was just upset and venting by punching a hole in the door.

I’d be worried, though. I think you should talk to him and let him know you’re worried. If he can’t acknowledge that what he did was a little over the top and comfort you, I’d talk to some friends that know him better and get their take…

 

 

Post # 8
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OMG…sorry I’m chiming in late on this and I hate to say it but I’m glad you called off your engagement.  If my Fiance EVER gave me the middle finger and told me to F Off in a fit of rage…that would be it for me.  I’ve been in many, many unhealthy, emotionally and mentally abusive relationships and have tolerated this in the past.  And after repeating the same pattern over and over, I finally learned my lesson. You deserve to be treated like gold…keep telling yourself this. 

Sounds like your Fiance needs some anger management therapy.

Post # 9
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

The bottom line for me is more your reaction than his. YOU were terrified. Which means you don’t trust him. Either you don’t trust him for good reason (because he really is dangerous) or you should trust him and you don’t. Either way… not the way to start a marriage imo. I could never marry someone that I worried might hurt me. 

Post # 10
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You are not overreacting. That is not acceptable behaviour for anyone more than two years old, let alone the man you are about to marry. What he said to you was bad enough (I’d have thrown the ring in his face right then), but the violence is truly frightening. I’m sorry, if he punched a hole in the door, what injury might he have done to you if the door wasn’t there? And just because he was in a pissy mood? And he doesn’t get why you’re upset and afraid? If I were you, I’d be quietly looking into re-booking your flight home RIGHT NOW. I know you’ve put a lot of time and money and heart into this relationship, but you don’t deserve to be abused. You must consider your own safety and well-being first in this case … no matter what.

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. If my husband did this to me, we’d be in counseling STAT. There’s no reason for him to be acting so violently. And him screaming at you that he would never lay a finger on you doesn’t exactly give me the warm and fuzzies that he wouldn’t.

Your parents may be disappointed that a wedding may not happen, but I’m sure they’d be much more disappointed if something happened to their daughter because her fiance hit her. I agree with fontgoddess – get yourself on a plane and hightail it out of there.

Post # 12
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m of two minds here. As @CorgiTales said, you were terrified. And that right there is your spidey sense trying to tell you something. Make sure you at the very least explore why you would be so scared and take that seriously.

On the other hand, you locked him out of the house for having a fight with you. Yes, he mouthed off. No, that still wasn’t justified. He may be behaving badly, but you are feeding into it as well. He’s not operating in a vacuum here.

The two of you are making a bad combination right now for whatever reason. And I don’t know if it’s always been this way or this is a new thing for you. But no matter what the reason it’s not healthy. If this is the day to day reality of your relationship, then you need to think about whether you’re okay for the rest of your life this way. If this is a recent thing brought on by stress, then you two need to find a more productive way to handle these situations.

And here’s a personal note that you can feel free to ignore, since I’m clearly overstepping my bounds now. In my mind, if you’re thinking seriously about calling it off, you should go ahead and follow through with that. Call it off. Every time I’ve thought about that but ignored it and gone through with a relationship (including a marriage, I’m not proud here) I end up wishing I’d followed my instincts and called it off.

Post # 14
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Dont be afraid of postponing or cancelling the wedding. BUT if you do I would seek some sort of premarital counseling to deal with the anger issues and to teach both of you how to communicate in a way that is healthy.

Obviously, flipping someone off and telling them to “eff off” isn’t a great form of communication but neither is locking someone out (which only escalates the anger of the former person). (I think everyone, save a few saints, are guilty of doing something like this).

You guys love each other…otherwise you wouldnt be on the journey to get married. That journey causes stress and sometimes irrational thinking. So breathe, and maybe mention to him the desire to get help for both of you. As our premarital couselor said, “Go about it in a way that is non-threatening. Instead of saying, ‘You make me so terrified and upset.’ say, ‘I am feeling upset and scared. Would you be willing to do X to help me not feel this way.”

There is hope 🙂 But I am glad you have the attitude of walking if he gets physical with you.

Post # 15
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Um to me it sounds like he already got physical – punching doors and making holes is a physical expression of anger. Anger that he cannot control enough to not hit inanimate objects.

The bottom line is this

– do you honestly think it will get better. He has already said it will not.

– can you live like this? You or him have a bad day at work and suddenly he is tearing up the house and you are locked in the bathroom crying? I could not live like this.

I usually end up being the hot-head in my relationship but my fiance has never become in any way aggressive towards me. The last fight we got into we fought for approximately 10 minutes and he got mad and went and mowed the yard while I cleaned the bathroom to blow off steam. There was never any sort of violence towards each other and we both retreated to our respective corners to cool off. What you are telling us about is not normal or healthy in a relationship.

I would call it off. Cut your losses and leave.

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