(Closed) Terrified I will never find 'the one' ….

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

He’s out there! 

I too had given up hope on finding “the one”. I was very isolated during college due to moving around a lot, and all the guys I met during that time were just interested in “hooking up”. I suffered through a lot of heartache, hardly had any friends, and was SO certain that I would be alone and forced to watch everyone get married and have children around me. I was bitter and I resigned myself to being single.

And then there he was. He was so different than any other guy I had met, in the way that it felt like I had known him my whole life. Fast forward four years, and we’re engaged. We have a wonderful group of friends, and his family and my family are close with each other. 

I never thought it would happen for me, and then suddenly my world was changed. Keep faith. Know he’s out there. You two will find each other.

Post # 3
Member
7898 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You are a valuable person whether you have a partner or not. You never know where you’re going to find “the one,” but if it doesn’t happen right away, I’m sure there are lots of good things to which you can use your time. I never dreamed of getting married as I was pretty happy with my single life, and yet here I am now married to a great husband. It’s never too late to find love. Chin up!

Post # 4
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

michelle2015:  I think if you’re tired of dating then you shouldn’t do it. Take some time to be single and focus on yourself, and get some perspective. Relationships should be enjoyed for what they are, not try-outs for marriage that are an automatic failure if they end after six months. You’re still nursing a broken heart from a rebound relationship–him from his divorce, you from your 6 year stint–that fizzled into booty calls. You haven’t let yourself recover. Take a break, take up a hobby or do a little traveling, and come back when it feels right. 

Post # 5
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

Stop dating for awhile. It sounds like you are burned out on it and still nursing wounds from the break up. Focus on yourself for awhile. Make a list of everything (that doesn’t have to do with a man) that gives you joy or that you think you might find fun and/or interesting … and do it. For at least a year, just focus on yourself and meeting your own needs.

Also, for future reference, that is a pretty common scenario with men who have recently been divorced (especially those  with kids). They just aren’t ready, and they probably shouldn’t be–they need time to get to know themselves outside of the context of the family that broke up. 

Post # 6
Member
6269 posts
Bee Keeper

I understand. All I can say is I met my Fiance 15 months ago. I was 37. We get married in June. 

Your experience and self awareness will hold you in good sted. For online dating, take a look at free videos and letter blogs here. It will help with meeting the right guy. http://www.evanmarckatz.com

And I don’t think there is just ‘the one’, I think there’s probably thousands in the world…you just need to find one… Or let him find you 😉

Post # 7
Hostess
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You might want to take a little break from trying to find men to date, and instead just date yourself!  While you’re out having fun with yourself, your broken heart will mend.  You’ll get some perspective.  And you might find that dating sounds like fun again!

Before I met Darling Husband, I had a similar story to yours.  Long term off & on, followed by a short but intense relationship with a very sad breakup that fizzled into hook ups.  Once I finally stopped talking to that guy altogether, I focused on me for awhile.  I took myself to the movies, joined a new gym and made some new friends, got a dog.  And eventually, I felt like dating men again so I joined a dating site and met my husband.

Good luck to you!

Post # 8
Hostess
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Also!  I listen to “Dear Sugar” podcasts – they are doing a 3-part series on “Finding The One” right now.  Listening to them might make you feel a little better!  

Post # 9
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Make choices to make your life and who you are a more wholesome person.  For some people it’s getting their nails done, for others it taking a book and spending time reading for a weekend. For others, it’s joining a recreational sports league or joining a hobby or interest group. When you do things that make you happy, your confidence builds and confidence is such a connection magnet. Do the things you love and love will surprise you with a knock when you least expect it. Plus, when you do things you love, one of the perks is immersing yourself  an environment with people that share the same interests and passion, without it being the top priority of “I have to find my perfect match.” GL bee! 

Post # 10
Member
6269 posts
Bee Keeper

lindsayE:  I love dear sugar too!

Post # 11
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

michelle2015:  I started dating Darling Husband when I was on a moratorium from dating. I broke up a very long term relationship at about age 42. I literally forced myself to date because I thought I was “supposed to.” Finally after having had to get the police involved because of a stalker and some very irritated guys because I would agree to dates and cancel at the last minute, I stopped dating. I just turned everyone down and never made any effort to meet anyone at all. But I did meet someone anyway, was at the point of cancelling but somehow went through with it (ok we had know each other over 20 years so it was not a stranger).  We were engaged within about 8 months. We are really really happy together. So I am going to bet I am much older than you and made every effort not to meet the One but still did. It drives me crazy when I see women feel that way. 

Post # 12
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

michelle2015:  I met my husband on Sept 2014 when I was 36.  He was my first date ever.

 

And interestingly enough (even though I wasn’t looking) I decided that where I met him was hopeless to meet people my age and actually met him by asking someone else where do I have to go to meet guys 35-39 in this town (he heard and chuckled).

Post # 13
Hostess
9065 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

michelle2015:  I am nearly 31, been single a year and a half and be enduring the hell that is online dating for about a year now. Lots of terrible dates. Lots of creeps. All of my friends are married. Like seriously, I don’t have a single friend who isn’t married or engaged.

 

Online dating sucks (until you find the right person I suppose) I don’t have any single friends to go out with so never going to just meet anyone. I sometimes feel like maybe I will never meet someone to marry and have a family with. To make matters worse, my work colleagues constantly take the piss out of me being single and on the shelf. Even my own mother basically implied that although it must be tough for me, sometimes, people just aren’t destined to get married and have kids. Fucking thanks Mum.

 

It is tough. Especially when people just throw cliches at you. But, I know in reality, one day I probably will meet someone.

 

In the mean time though I just hit the gym lots and perv on the hot guys and who knows, maybe I will meet someone there. If not, being a single pervert is getting me skinny! 😉

Post # 14
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My sister is in the same position as you, she will be 36 in March and desperately wants to have a baby but has no luck attracting the right men. Her last long term relationship was 4-5 years ago and only lasted 1 year as he turned out to be pretty controlling. She hasn’t had many long term relationships prior to that one, most of them fizzled out after the 3rd or 6 month in so i guess in her mind all these failed relationships scare her off from looking for a new one in the fear she will just get hurt again. What makes her situation even worse is that she suffers clinical depression. I know she gets down a lot by her situation as she is still living at home. She sees my life and compares it to hers and she gets down about that (not that my life is perfect in every way, whose is? but i am happily married) she also sees people on her facebook with partners and kids and she compares her life to theirs and makes herself feel even worse.. i keep telling her to keep at it with the online dating and eventually the persistence will pay off and she will meet someone that is right for her like i did but i think her depression prevents her from trying but she doesnt go out anywhere to meet people and her 1 close friend is a single mum so it’s not like they can really do singles outings together as such.. i hope she meets someone.. i guess persistence is the key, don’t give up!

Post # 15
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

michelle2015:  I think you should keep giving online dating a chance because my gorgeous best friend met her second husband at age 40 on ok Cupid! (She was married briefly in her 20s) 

And if you like church, i would join the 20s/30s or 30s/40s social group at your church or neighboring ones. If you are Catholic, big city churches have lots of archdiocese activities such as Theology on Tap. These are social events and not churchy!!

Most importantly, what is your passion? What activities make you feel excited and make you shine in front of others. Go where you can share those. Since I started pursuing singing, I’ve met a lot of great guys because I’m happy and occupied. 

By the way, if you want children, you could always freeze your eggs just in case. Or adopt now while you’re young (you could do it later too) but if you want a child, why wait for a man? And then maybe you will meet a great divorced daddy at your kids play groups. Just a thought!

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