Post # 1
I am 35 years old.
I have never been married and I don’t have kids but I very much want both of these things.
My last 2 relationships were 6 months and 6 years. My most previous relationship was a man I met a year ago. I truly thought he was ‘the one’ and was very much in love with him. He was recently divorced with kids and he was unsure about having more kids. When we hit the 6 month mark we had a serious talk about our future and he broke up with me saying he just wasn’t sure what he wanted in the future and it was unfair to keep the relationship going. I was so happy and the breakup broke my heart. In the months after the breakup we remained friends (I think I was grasping for straws) and even saw each other twice (which turned into us hooking up). I was unable to let go of that relationship because I still cared for him and I think maybe a little deep down I was hoping he’d change his mind. I joined dating sites and went on many dates but I wasn’t ready yet. Recently he moved away for work and I’ve finally let him go and have cut off all contact and realize the relationship is over and will never be again.
The relationship before him ended 6 months before we met. It was a 6 year on again off again relationship with a man I truly (if I’m honest with myself) never saw a future with. On paper there were a lot of good things though and I think that’s why I stuck it out so long. I kind of regret hanging in so long but on the other hand I feel like there is a reason and lesson in every choice we make.
However … Now here I am and I’m terrified I’m never going to find ‘the one’. I know that there are a lot of men out there but honestly I’m exhausted. I’m tired of dating. Online dating takes up so much time. Then meeting up with guys that show up late or just want sex or that I have no chemistry with. I’m tired of trying to weed out the men that are just looking for a hook up or are jerks or who don’t want what I want. Then if you happen to connect with one and fall for someone things can be going perfect and 6 months later that ends too.
I know its a crazy fear because I can’t do anything about where I’m at anyways but sometimes I wake up and first thought I have is that I’m going to be alone forever and times ticking on me having kids (at least one) ugh. And that no man is going to want me the older i get (even though I’m attractive and successful and (I think) a good person etc. etc.)
This isn’t really a questions but more of a venting of my thoughts 🙁
Post # 2
He’s out there!
I too had given up hope on finding “the one”. I was very isolated during college due to moving around a lot, and all the guys I met during that time were just interested in “hooking up”. I suffered through a lot of heartache, hardly had any friends, and was SO certain that I would be alone and forced to watch everyone get married and have children around me. I was bitter and I resigned myself to being single.
And then there he was. He was so different than any other guy I had met, in the way that it felt like I had known him my whole life. Fast forward four years, and we’re engaged. We have a wonderful group of friends, and his family and my family are close with each other.
I never thought it would happen for me, and then suddenly my world was changed. Keep faith. Know he’s out there. You two will find each other.
Post # 3
You are a valuable person whether you have a partner or not. You never know where you’re going to find “the one,” but if it doesn’t happen right away, I’m sure there are lots of good things to which you can use your time. I never dreamed of getting married as I was pretty happy with my single life, and yet here I am now married to a great husband. It’s never too late to find love. Chin up!
Post # 4
michelle2015: I think if you’re tired of dating then you shouldn’t do it. Take some time to be single and focus on yourself, and get some perspective. Relationships should be enjoyed for what they are, not try-outs for marriage that are an automatic failure if they end after six months. You’re still nursing a broken heart from a rebound relationship–him from his divorce, you from your 6 year stint–that fizzled into booty calls. You haven’t let yourself recover. Take a break, take up a hobby or do a little traveling, and come back when it feels right.
Post # 5
Stop dating for awhile. It sounds like you are burned out on it and still nursing wounds from the break up. Focus on yourself for awhile. Make a list of everything (that doesn’t have to do with a man) that gives you joy or that you think you might find fun and/or interesting … and do it. For at least a year, just focus on yourself and meeting your own needs.
Also, for future reference, that is a pretty common scenario with men who have recently been divorced (especially those with kids). They just aren’t ready, and they probably shouldn’t be–they need time to get to know themselves outside of the context of the family that broke up.
Post # 6
I understand. All I can say is I met my Fiance 15 months ago. I was 37. We get married in June.
Your experience and self awareness will hold you in good sted. For online dating, take a look at free videos and letter blogs here. It will help with meeting the right guy. http://www.evanmarckatz.com
And I don’t think there is just ‘the one’, I think there’s probably thousands in the world…you just need to find one… Or let him find you 😉
Post # 7
You might want to take a little break from trying to find men to date, and instead just date yourself! While you’re out having fun with yourself, your broken heart will mend. You’ll get some perspective. And you might find that dating sounds like fun again!
Before I met Darling Husband, I had a similar story to yours. Long term off & on, followed by a short but intense relationship with a very sad breakup that fizzled into hook ups. Once I finally stopped talking to that guy altogether, I focused on me for awhile. I took myself to the movies, joined a new gym and made some new friends, got a dog. And eventually, I felt like dating men again so I joined a dating site and met my husband.
Good luck to you!
Post # 8
Also! I listen to “Dear Sugar” podcasts – they are doing a 3-part series on “Finding The One” right now. Listening to them might make you feel a little better!
Post # 9
Make choices to make your life and who you are a more wholesome person. For some people it’s getting their nails done, for others it taking a book and spending time reading for a weekend. For others, it’s joining a recreational sports league or joining a hobby or interest group. When you do things that make you happy, your confidence builds and confidence is such a connection magnet. Do the things you love and love will surprise you with a knock when you least expect it. Plus, when you do things you love, one of the perks is immersing yourself an environment with people that share the same interests and passion, without it being the top priority of “I have to find my perfect match.” GL bee!
Post # 10
lindsayE: I love dear sugar too!
Post # 11
michelle2015: I started dating Darling Husband when I was on a moratorium from dating. I broke up a very long term relationship at about age 42. I literally forced myself to date because I thought I was “supposed to.” Finally after having had to get the police involved because of a stalker and some very irritated guys because I would agree to dates and cancel at the last minute, I stopped dating. I just turned everyone down and never made any effort to meet anyone at all. But I did meet someone anyway, was at the point of cancelling but somehow went through with it (ok we had know each other over 20 years so it was not a stranger). We were engaged within about 8 months. We are really really happy together. So I am going to bet I am much older than you and made every effort not to meet the One but still did. It drives me crazy when I see women feel that way.
Post # 12
michelle2015: I met my husband on Sept 2014 when I was 36. He was my first date ever.
And interestingly enough (even though I wasn’t looking) I decided that where I met him was hopeless to meet people my age and actually met him by asking someone else where do I have to go to meet guys 35-39 in this town (he heard and chuckled).
Post # 13
michelle2015: I am nearly 31, been single a year and a half and be enduring the hell that is online dating for about a year now. Lots of terrible dates. Lots of creeps. All of my friends are married. Like seriously, I don’t have a single friend who isn’t married or engaged.
Online dating sucks (until you find the right person I suppose) I don’t have any single friends to go out with so never going to just meet anyone. I sometimes feel like maybe I will never meet someone to marry and have a family with. To make matters worse, my work colleagues constantly take the piss out of me being single and on the shelf. Even my own mother basically implied that although it must be tough for me, sometimes, people just aren’t destined to get married and have kids. Fucking thanks Mum.
It is tough. Especially when people just throw cliches at you. But, I know in reality, one day I probably will meet someone.
In the mean time though I just hit the gym lots and perv on the hot guys and who knows, maybe I will meet someone there. If not, being a single pervert is getting me skinny! 😉
Post # 14
My sister is in the same position as you, she will be 36 in March and desperately wants to have a baby but has no luck attracting the right men. Her last long term relationship was 4-5 years ago and only lasted 1 year as he turned out to be pretty controlling. She hasn’t had many long term relationships prior to that one, most of them fizzled out after the 3rd or 6 month in so i guess in her mind all these failed relationships scare her off from looking for a new one in the fear she will just get hurt again. What makes her situation even worse is that she suffers clinical depression. I know she gets down a lot by her situation as she is still living at home. She sees my life and compares it to hers and she gets down about that (not that my life is perfect in every way, whose is? but i am happily married) she also sees people on her facebook with partners and kids and she compares her life to theirs and makes herself feel even worse.. i keep telling her to keep at it with the online dating and eventually the persistence will pay off and she will meet someone that is right for her like i did but i think her depression prevents her from trying but she doesnt go out anywhere to meet people and her 1 close friend is a single mum so it’s not like they can really do singles outings together as such.. i hope she meets someone.. i guess persistence is the key, don’t give up!
Post # 15
michelle2015: I think you should keep giving online dating a chance because my gorgeous best friend met her second husband at age 40 on ok Cupid! (She was married briefly in her 20s)
And if you like church, i would join the 20s/30s or 30s/40s social group at your church or neighboring ones. If you are Catholic, big city churches have lots of archdiocese activities such as Theology on Tap. These are social events and not churchy!!
Most importantly, what is your passion? What activities make you feel excited and make you shine in front of others. Go where you can share those. Since I started pursuing singing, I’ve met a lot of great guys because I’m happy and occupied.
By the way, if you want children, you could always freeze your eggs just in case. Or adopt now while you’re young (you could do it later too) but if you want a child, why wait for a man? And then maybe you will meet a great divorced daddy at your kids play groups. Just a thought!