(Closed) Terrified I'm wasting my time

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

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bbb1991 :  I’m a little confused because you said you’ve never even spoken to him about marriage?

What is it that you are looking for opinions on? Want him to be sensitive to your financial needs, or wanting him to be able to somehow know you want a bigger commitment from him? 

How is he meant to know either of those things if you have not broached the topic? (either topic). 

Post # 3
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with PP. I’m confused about what you  are asking.

You aren’t currently making your needs an equal part of the relationship, so you can’t really expect him to. I DO think it’s a bad sign that he doesn’t offer to help you out a little bit since you seem to be living check to check. I would NEVER date a guy for that long, live with him, etc, if he didn’t treat us as a partnership. 

I am about to move in with my bf and we agreed we would split rent about 65/35 and then he said emphatically “But you need to know I am here for you if you ever need extra help. We are partners in this!” And that is the only kind of attitude I would accept from someone I’m dating.

And WHY haven’t you brought up marriage if you’ve been together so long and you want it? I just don’t understand the entire thing. 

Post # 4
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You both need to work on your communication. Sit him down, have a blunt and open talk. 

“I am struggling with bills. Would you be willing to do XYZ to help me out? I would like to be married by X, does this match with your timeline?”

Post # 5
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I would start by having an honest conversation with him about where you are in this relationship. you’ve never spoken about marriage, yet you want to get married and have a child with him. Don’t go another day without communicating this. I’m guessing you are afraid to hear his answer, but you need to know before you move in with him to a house you don’t co-own, continue to co-parent your child together, and contemplate bringing another child into the world. You are entitled to know where he stands regarding a permanent commitment to you before you move forward.

Post # 6
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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bbb1991 :  You can’t feel resentful until you’ve communicated your needs, he’s agreed to a plan of action, and then failed to carry through.  You haven’t even talked to him.  Go talk to him, right now.

Talk about the bills situation too but wait for another day.  One issue at a time.  Another reason being, if he’s not planning a lifetime with you then it’s a bit presumptuous for you to be thinking he should help you out with bills.  

So get on the same page about marriage first.  Can’t believe you waited 3 years. 

Post # 7
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You can’t really blame him for never mentioning marriage when you haven’t either. I do feel like it never really came up in my previous relationships though, and in my current one it has been a mutual assumption from the start, I couldn’t tell you who brought it up first but it was within the first month. That being said, everyone is different. Maybe he isn’t ready, or maybe he is planning to propose soon and doesn’t feel it is someting that needs to be discussed at all, who knows! The only way to know is to have a talk about your future.

I think I would be most worried about the fact that he isn’t offering to alleviate some of your financial burden when he makes so much more. I realize he is saving for a house and I am guessing a down payment but at the same time you should be a priority and if you are struggling he should be concerned about that. It could always be a loan until you are done school but I am surprised he hasn’t offered to do anything to help you out.

I currently pay about $100 less a month towards our rent than he does, because I make less. It isn’t a huge amount but my SO offered this to help me adjust easier as we were moving into an apartment together that would have increased my monthly rent from what I paid before, so he said I could keep paying what I was paying at my old place and he would make up the difference. Small amount monthly but it makes a huge difference for me!

Post # 8
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

Girl, you need to communicate! He cant be expected to know what you’re thinking & feeling without you communicating it! It’s unfair for you to tell all of us that you’re desparate to be his wife and have a baby with him, when he’s the one you want to do that with and you havent even told him yet! Conversations like that are scary, i get it,  but theyre necessary! If you dont do it, you’ll be several more years in & realizing you’ve just spent a large chunk of your life spinning your wheels. Dont do that. TALK TO HIM 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You need to talk to him. Why is this so hard for people to understand? No one is a mind reader! 

Post # 10
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

1) WHY haven’t you talked about marriage?  Has your mouth been taped shut or something?

2)  NO FUCKING WAY would I marry someone who would watch me suffer financially and not help me.  If the choice were between me needing something and my husband needing something he would always put me first.

Post # 11
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper

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bbb1991 :  Wow!  Is this for real?  I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine this! I would be more worried about why he doesn’t offer financial support when you say he knows you are clearly struggling.  Is he generous with others? -His friends and relatives?  Does he think that even though you are scraping by that he shouldn’t have to support you and your child?  Or does he think that you should scrape by because he is buying a house? -For himself?  You say of course you will live with him, but what if things don’t work out with you?  Where would that leave you?  Does he think that you are okay with the way things are? Maybe he thinks you are too proud to accept any money from him?  Do you get money from your child’s father?  Maybe that’s the way things should be?  So many questions here!!  Your child calls him “dad”.  Does he act like a good father-take care of him in your absence?  Help with care?  God forbid, if something happened to you would he adopt your child, or drop him off at your parents?  What makes you believe that he may have commitment issues?  He has been in your lives for 3 years, without fail.  Seriously, you two need to talk!  

Post # 12
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

If he knows you’re struggling financially, that is not cool at all. 

 

On the other hand, if you haven’t talked to him about finances and marriage and your needs, then you need to – it’s your responsibilty to advocate for yourself. He could very well be kind of dense and not realize what’s going on and what you need, or he could be a jerk. 

You’ll only know if you talk to him!

Post # 14
Member
5092 posts
Bee Keeper

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bbb1991 :  Were you brushed off regarding marriage and financial assistance from your boyfriend?  Was that long ago, or recent?

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