Post # 1
okay so I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I have a four year old son from a previous relationship. I am 25 and he is 27. We have lived together for about 2 years now. Here’s the problem – we have never talked about marriage not even in the most vague sense, never even a mention. I am his first real relationship and he is my second. We are absolutely in love, get along great and never fight. My son loves him and considers him his dad. He is in the process of buying a house himself. We will of course live with him. I am desperate to get married. I love him and I want to marry him and have known this for 2 years now. He makes very good money, over $100k a year and I also work and am a nursing student with about 2 years left. We split bills at this point. I am struggling monetarily being in school so much. My half of the bills is less than $1000 a month. He knows I am struggling (like so bad I sometimes use change for gas) but doesn’t seem concerned with it. Doesn’t offer to help out or even shave off $300 worth of my bills per month, temporarily of course until I’m done with school. I don’t care about how much money he makes – I never have. Money is nothing to me as long as my bills are paid. I would like to know I’m in a relationship where we are a team. I know without a doubt if tables were turned I would do anything I could to make sure he felt we were a team and I’m here for him for the hard times whatever they may be. Am I being a baby? Am I wrong for feeling resentful toward him? We are at the point in our relationship where people are constantly teasing and asking about us getting married and it’s making me bitter. I’m don’t need a big wedding or a big ring I just want to feel secure and know I am a permanence in his life. I want to know that he wants me to be his wife. I am so afraid I’m wasting my time. I want to have a baby when I finish school but I won’t unless I am married to him. He’s such a good man I just fear I’m dealing with someone with commitment issues. Any and all advice/opinions welcome.
Post # 2
I’m a little confused because you said you’ve never even spoken to him about marriage?
What is it that you are looking for opinions on? Want him to be sensitive to your financial needs, or wanting him to be able to somehow know you want a bigger commitment from him?
How is he meant to know either of those things if you have not broached the topic? (either topic).
Post # 3
I agree with PP. I’m confused about what you are asking.
You aren’t currently making your needs an equal part of the relationship, so you can’t really expect him to. I DO think it’s a bad sign that he doesn’t offer to help you out a little bit since you seem to be living check to check. I would NEVER date a guy for that long, live with him, etc, if he didn’t treat us as a partnership.
I am about to move in with my bf and we agreed we would split rent about 65/35 and then he said emphatically “But you need to know I am here for you if you ever need extra help. We are partners in this!” And that is the only kind of attitude I would accept from someone I’m dating.
And WHY haven’t you brought up marriage if you’ve been together so long and you want it? I just don’t understand the entire thing.
Post # 4
You both need to work on your communication. Sit him down, have a blunt and open talk.
“I am struggling with bills. Would you be willing to do XYZ to help me out? I would like to be married by X, does this match with your timeline?”
Post # 5
I would start by having an honest conversation with him about where you are in this relationship. you’ve never spoken about marriage, yet you want to get married and have a child with him. Don’t go another day without communicating this. I’m guessing you are afraid to hear his answer, but you need to know before you move in with him to a house you don’t co-own, continue to co-parent your child together, and contemplate bringing another child into the world. You are entitled to know where he stands regarding a permanent commitment to you before you move forward.
Post # 6
You can’t feel resentful until you’ve communicated your needs, he’s agreed to a plan of action, and then failed to carry through. You haven’t even talked to him. Go talk to him, right now.
Talk about the bills situation too but wait for another day. One issue at a time. Another reason being, if he’s not planning a lifetime with you then it’s a bit presumptuous for you to be thinking he should help you out with bills.
So get on the same page about marriage first. Can’t believe you waited 3 years.
Post # 7
You can’t really blame him for never mentioning marriage when you haven’t either. I do feel like it never really came up in my previous relationships though, and in my current one it has been a mutual assumption from the start, I couldn’t tell you who brought it up first but it was within the first month. That being said, everyone is different. Maybe he isn’t ready, or maybe he is planning to propose soon and doesn’t feel it is someting that needs to be discussed at all, who knows! The only way to know is to have a talk about your future.
I think I would be most worried about the fact that he isn’t offering to alleviate some of your financial burden when he makes so much more. I realize he is saving for a house and I am guessing a down payment but at the same time you should be a priority and if you are struggling he should be concerned about that. It could always be a loan until you are done school but I am surprised he hasn’t offered to do anything to help you out.
I currently pay about $100 less a month towards our rent than he does, because I make less. It isn’t a huge amount but my SO offered this to help me adjust easier as we were moving into an apartment together that would have increased my monthly rent from what I paid before, so he said I could keep paying what I was paying at my old place and he would make up the difference. Small amount monthly but it makes a huge difference for me!
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
Girl, you need to communicate! He cant be expected to know what you’re thinking & feeling without you communicating it! It’s unfair for you to tell all of us that you’re desparate to be his wife and have a baby with him, when he’s the one you want to do that with and you havent even told him yet! Conversations like that are scary, i get it, but theyre necessary! If you dont do it, you’ll be several more years in & realizing you’ve just spent a large chunk of your life spinning your wheels. Dont do that. TALK TO HIM 🙂
Post # 9
You need to talk to him. Why is this so hard for people to understand? No one is a mind reader!
Post # 10
1) WHY haven’t you talked about marriage? Has your mouth been taped shut or something?
2) NO FUCKING WAY would I marry someone who would watch me suffer financially and not help me. If the choice were between me needing something and my husband needing something he would always put me first.
Post # 11
Wow! Is this for real? I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine this! I would be more worried about why he doesn’t offer financial support when you say he knows you are clearly struggling. Is he generous with others? -His friends and relatives? Does he think that even though you are scraping by that he shouldn’t have to support you and your child? Or does he think that you should scrape by because he is buying a house? -For himself? You say of course you will live with him, but what if things don’t work out with you? Where would that leave you? Does he think that you are okay with the way things are? Maybe he thinks you are too proud to accept any money from him? Do you get money from your child’s father? Maybe that’s the way things should be? So many questions here!! Your child calls him “dad”. Does he act like a good father-take care of him in your absence? Help with care? God forbid, if something happened to you would he adopt your child, or drop him off at your parents? What makes you believe that he may have commitment issues? He has been in your lives for 3 years, without fail. Seriously, you two need to talk!
Post # 12
If he knows you’re struggling financially, that is not cool at all.
On the other hand, if you haven’t talked to him about finances and marriage and your needs, then you need to – it’s your responsibilty to advocate for yourself. He could very well be kind of dense and not realize what’s going on and what you need, or he could be a jerk.
You’ll only know if you talk to him!
Post # 13
I have spoken of both before and it was basically brushed off. Looking for opinions on both topics
Post # 14
Were you brushed off regarding marriage and financial assistance from your boyfriend? Was that long ago, or recent?
Post # 15
He is a great dad and is with my son when I am at work from time to time. He will pick him up and such. I have made it absolutely clear that I am struggling and have laid it out in a representative matter. I have asked him countless times what I should do and he just tells me he doesn’t know. I have also talked about marriage once and the fact that he never talks about it even vaguely and he basically thought I was a crazy person. So like you can imagine I haven’t mentioned it since because of how he reacted. He shut down and brushed it off. I don’t know what to do. But you’re all right, we definitely need to talk and I told him that. His bio dad is supposed to pay child support and half daycare but doesn’t so that’s left on just me.