(Closed) Terrified I'm wasting my time

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Noooooo. You say “ok babe so we need to talk about something important to me BEFORE WE COMMIT TO THIS MOVE. I think we make a great team, I love you more than blah blah, the way you treat my son warms my heart blah blah. In my mind I see us getting engaged shortly after moving, then married after a reasonable period of time. Afterwards I see us having more children by the time we’re X age blah blah…” Now comes the part where you see and examine his reaction. If he shuts you down hard again KEEP TALKING. “ok I sense you’re shutting down now, but here’s what I really need to know. Is marriage TO SOMEONE something you’d like in life? – give him time to reply – Or are you still evaluating whether you’d like to marry ME?” 

What you need to know is whether he wants to every marry or not. If he’s not marriage-minded and you are, you need to get out now unless you’re ok with never getting married.

if he’s still figuring out if he wants to marry YOU then you need to know what the holdup is: is he unsure about the stepson situation? Your finances? Shouldering financial responsibility? Compatibility between you two? 

I would personally not marry a man who watched me struggle financially to the point of using change to pay for gas while he watched and had a more cushier and comfortable lifestyle himself WHILE LIVING WITH ME. What would happen if we had another child? Would he look after his own very differently from the first one? Questions like that would haunt me and I just wouldn’t do it. Having separate finances when the incomes are similar or when you’re just dating is one thing, but combining your lives in every which way except the financial one, especially when there’s a big disparity between incomes, is just not for me.

Post # 20
Member
7907 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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bbb1991 :  So he’s insensitive to your financial struggles and shuts down at the mention of marriage. And you still thought it was a good idea to move in with him and let him act as father to your child?

Single mom here. Take a step back. Why are you with this guy? Why would you let anyone play ‘dad’ to your child if that person isn’t committed to you and your child? How will your son feel if things don’t work out? 

TALK TO HIM. If he won’t have adult conversations with you he likely isn’t ready for the adult responsibility of being committed to a woman with a child. 

Post # 23
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

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bbb1991 :  

I have a question…you said you split the bills…are you splitting 50/50, or are you paying 2/3 (you and your son) and he is paying 1/3? 

Post # 24
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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bbb1991 :  exactly. So remember the objectives for the first talk: a) does he want to ever get married?, b) does he want to marry you?, c) what is the holdup? I forgot to mention that the holdup might be something like he’s really traditional and would like to surprise you with the engagement but that seems incongruent with  letting you struggle while he clearly doesn’t. 

The second conversation that you guys need to have is the financial one, but I’m not sure whether you want to have it once you’re engaged and well into the planning process or (if it’s a deal breaker for you and you wouldn’t even consider marrying him if there’s no change in attitude) before. But it would go something like this: “how do you think we should best manage our finances once we’re married? Will we have a ‘what’s mine is yours’ vision? Or a ‘what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours’ one? How would you feel about completely combining our finances? Partially? Not at all? How would you like to deal with – son’s name – financial needs?” 

Post # 25
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

One last thing: you cannot afford to NOT have these talks now. Your son sees him as his father. Your son’s roof and maybe even meals are dependent on this man now. If he doesn’t want marriage or the commitment of being a stepfather to your son you need to bail NOW before it does you and your son lasting damage. 

Post # 28
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee

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bbb1991 : 1st step: Sit him down and lay it all out. Don’t let him brush it off and certainly don’t let him make you out to look crazy (WTF?!). Tell him you want to get married, ask his opinion on the matter and do not end the converstaion until he gives you an answer. “I don’t know” and “Let’s just see what happens later on down the track” are NOT acceptable responses.

2nd step: Do something about your ex not paying what he is supposed to. I understand you are struggling and it would cost you a fair bit to take him to court but I wouldn’t just let it slide. Do something. Anything. There are ways around it. My colleague was in the same situation and she took him to court. Not only did they end up garnishing his wages, but he was made to pay for her feew as well because he should have been sticking to the court order in the first place.

Post # 29
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

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bbb1991 :  

Honestly, I think you are being unfair to him…  You probably don’t realize, but your son IS an extra expense, so he IS helping you financially …I definiltely think you need to have a talk about where the relationship is going, but I don’t think it is true when you say money means nothing to you, because a good portion of your post is about money and security…also, you have one baby from one man who isn’t involved in your child’s life…it would be wildly irresponsible to have a SECOND child out of wedlock…if you can’t sit down with him and discuss your future, there is definitely something wrong with your relationship and it doesn’t sound like it is moving in the direction of marriage. I think you should sit down and talk about future plans, but also recognize what a large role he IS playing in your son’s life – both emotionally AND financially.

Post # 30
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

N

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bbb1991 :  

1. If your child’s bio dad is supposed to be paying support and isn’t, call your lawyer;

2. You need to sit down and have a honest talk with your BF. Be clear of YOUR needs and wants and that marriage is important to you; 

3. If he is not open and receptive to that, and brushes you off as “crazy”, you should not be marrying this man anyway, and it is time to re-evaluate your relationship with this guy. While if marriage was important it should have been raised long before 6 months ago, especially since you moved your son in with him, his reaction 2 1/2 years into your relationship is not a promising one.

I will be honest and blunt with you: if this guy does not see you as a “team” now, after three years and all of that, I think you have your answer.  That commitment, and that mentality, exists independent of being married. Indeed, there are people who are married who are still very much “yours versus mine”. My own mother and stepfather did not get married until after 25 years, by mutual decision, but were always a team.

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