(Closed) Terrified I'm wasting my time

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

It’s very mean and unfair that he called you crazy when you brought up marriage. Bringing up the next stage of a relationship is a mature discussion to have and you have every right to do so. Does he gaslight you in other ways too? Not cool… if so, you deserve better!

Post # 32
Member
43 posts
Newbee

As for the money issue, hopefully all you need to do is ask for help.

I struggled for years because I didn’t ask for help! Now my partner supports me almost %100 while I finish nursing school. 

You do have to be direct with him. I too talked about how stressed I was about money but he didn’t offer help until I asked for it. 

Post # 36
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Kikibear :  +1. My fiance moved in with me (1 bedroom apt but still) pretty quick in our relationship and at the time we didnt even care about marriage  (to anyone ever) but automatically took all the money coming in as “our” money. We split the expenses based on what our individual pay would afford. I would have never expected him to pay for gas with change while I was doing fine. This would be a huge concern for me if I were you.

Post # 37
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
bbb1991 :  

You missed my point…if you are splitting the bills 50/50, he IS financially helping you with your son…I doubt he would be with you if he felt your son was a burden in any aspect, I just think you should APPRECIATE the help that he IS giving you, not be resentful that he isn’t helping enough..

Post # 38
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
bbb1991 :  This would really bother me too. I agree, it’ts not about the amount of money (like if you were both struggling, but still giving it 100% of your effort, this wouldnt be an issue), but if he is living a comfortable life while you constantly struggle, that isnt a committed relationship, that is having a roommate. 

Maybe he is resentful that the bio dad doesn’t pay? Has he asked you to take legal action? Do you even discuss money? Does he know you are stuggling? All things to consider. 

Post # 41
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
bbb1991 :  

You don’t get it…I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 42
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
bbb1991 :  hm, here’s a bit of advice. it seems like there are 2 issues here.

with the marriage thing, you just need to bring it up. if you are seriously going to spend the rest of your life with this man you are going to have some uncomfortable conversations, that’s just something you have to get over. talking about wills, and what you want when you die, discussing large amounts of debt, talking about sexual needs and desires, planning for the future, discussing mortgage rates, i don’t think anyone finds these conversations to be super duper fun, but they have to happen. you need to talk to him but you also need to clearly tell him what you want without being threatening, accusatory, etc. assure him of how happy you are, that you love him, that he’s a great guy, that you love how he is with your son, say all of that first. and then explain that that’s why you want to talk about marriage, because you want to be married in the future, and you can see yourself being married to him. ask what he thinks and what he wants for his life in terms of marriage and relationships. then, you just have to listen and accept what he says or walk away. IMO, at your ages you haven’t really been together that long, so I can see why he doesn’t think it’s an issue at all. DH and I lived together much longer than that, knowing we would eventually get married, and most of our friends who met in their 20s were together 4+ years before tying the knot. 

the other issue is money, which is again a tough subject. it seems like this part is a pattern. you need to be direct about finances. guys tend not to read between the lines. that said, i do think it’s weird that he hasn’t offered. at one point in our relationship (living together but not married) dh was in school and i was making literally three times his salary. we split rent, but i definitely shouldered the load on other stuff. i paid for trips to see his and my family, if we went out i often paid or at least offered, when i wanted to buy some fancy furniture i just bought it, i didn’t ask him for half and i just didn’t make a big deal about it. at one point a school bill came up out of nowhere due to a billing error, and i covered it for him. the guy was busting his ass working 45 hours a week and in school full time, he wasn’t blowing money on crap, he just didn’t make quite enough. we weren’t married but i wasn’t going to just watch him flounder because i already considered us partners. we didn’t even have joined finances at the time, it just seemed natural. 

i think one difference is that dh and i got together really young (21), so it wasn’t like i had a house and an established career when we met. i think in some ways that made it easier to think of everything as “ours” from the beginning, because we both started with nothing. with your guy this may require a conversation. i agree with a pp that said he may be dense or he may be a jerk. he may be trying to be respectful and not offend you by offering help, he might think you want to keep everything separate, he might not realize how stressed you are…or, he might know completely that you need financial help and want to get married and be totally ignoring that. tough to say without a talk. 

Post # 43
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Everyone has their own financial arrangements in a relationship, but it’s something you both should be comfortable with. I also find it weird that he does not offer to help despite seeing your struggles.  My fi paid 99% of our expenses while I was in school and I never had to ask. 

Post # 44
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
bbb1991 :  Right, I get you are doing the best you can to build a better life for your child and may not have money for an attorney. Props to you for doing it all yourself! I just mean, I have seen other relationships where the man did not help the woman specifically to try to make the woman force legal action. It was a deep rooted issue where the non-bio dad was purposefully not helping to try to “make” the mom force the bio dad to pay. Maybe your boyfriend has a bigger deal with the non bio dad than you realize and that is why he has not offered to help. And obvioulsy I dont know your boyfriend so this could not be the case here. I just feel like there has to be some issue for him not to want to help you more. 

Post # 45
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

View original reply
bbb1991 :  Every couple has their own financial set-up for paying the bills that’s right for them. If you believe that it should be proportionate to your incomes but he believes that it should be 50/50 no matter what, then you guys need to sit down and try to get on the same page.

That being said, I define being a team as supporting each other in the way that you’re defining it. Maybe your SO thinks being a team player is both people pulling equal weight. But realistically, life throws curve balls and both people aren’t always going to be equal. Like what if he loses his job down the line? Though maybe in that scenario he would insist on living off his savings instead of letting you cover his share. Anyway, one of the things that made me want to marry my DH is that he had the team mentality from the beginning. Even before we got engaged, he was putting money in my IRA and paying most of the expenses so I could focus on paying down my school loans more aggresively, which presumably would affect our finances in the future.

The topic ‘Terrified I'm wasting my time’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors