terrified of another divorce

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

I am very sorry you’re going through this. 

But let’s rephrase your last sentence – if you divorce your alcoholic husband, you will be 35 and free of 2 alcoholic/addict exes, with parents who are there for you and support you in escaping these jerks. 

Never, ever, be more afraid of being X age and living with your parents than staying in a doomed marriage with an addict. He will not change for you. You can’t fix him. He told you directly that alcohol matters to him more than you or your marriage. Listen to him. You do not have to stay with him. Please do not stay with him. Everything will just get worse if you stay with an alcoholic. 

Everything will be okay if you leave him. Struggling to pay bills is much better than struggling to deal with an alcoholic. 

Post # 3
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

butterfly1031 :  Personally, my parents would be a lot more fun to live with than an alcoholic. Can you move in with them for a while to show him how serious his addiction is? If splitting up is not enough of a wake up call for him, divorce is sadly your next option. I hate to be a pessimist, but it doesn’t sound as though he’s ready to admit he has a problem. Sorry, Bee. 

Post # 4
Member
5004 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

He is literally telling you he isn’t going to give up alcohol so your choice is to stay married to an alcoholic or move in with your parents, I know what I would chose.  Is your current situation really better than temporarily moving in with your parents?

At 35 you should also take responsibility for yourself and consider other ways to make money if you wouldn’t be able to support yourself on your own.  

Post # 5
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

I would chose my parents over an alcoholic/drug addict any day.

Post # 6
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

So if you choose to stay – in 5 years its very likely youll be 40 and divorced from an alcoholic still trying to get on your feet. Or you can just do it now and get it over with.

I understand the stigma stuff. It is hard, but this is your life. You should care more about not wasting your life than about what other people may think. Who cares? They dont know your situation and you dont owe them an explanation.

Other context – I had a kid at 18. I went to college but it became school vs keeping a roof over our head so I dropped out. I always regretted it, but I did what i had to do. Now Im 34 and back in school finishing my degree. Yea I feel kind of stupid and old to be doing it now… but my thought is – I can do it now and get through it… or in 5 years I can be a 39 year old wishing i finished my degree.

Time is going to pass either way. People are going to judge either way. Do what is right for you.

Post # 7
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

He is straight up telling you that booze >>>>> you. When someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! Better two divorces from the wrong partners than one full wasted life with them.

If your family is there to help soften your landing when you jump out of this relationship, let them. That’s what families should be for, ideally: to support and embrace each other in our hardest moments. 

I would also suggest getting hooked up with a counselor or therapist who can help you untangle your feelings about these relationships. It’s very easy to keep getting drawn into what is familiar to us – even if what is familiar is ultimately toxic. If you’re in the US, you can often find counseling cheap or free through universities that offer advanced degrees in mental health. (You would probably be working with a clinician who is fully qualified, but is required to have a certain number of “supervised hours” to gain independent licensure.) You are a survivor for being able to get out of a bad situation twice. Don’t set yourself up to fall a third time.

Post # 8
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

“if i divorce him i will be 35 living with my parents, barely scrapping by to pay my bills”

It sounds like he makes most of the money in the relationship, then? If so, is it possible that his alcoholism will escalate and he’ll begin having trouble holding down a job? 

I understand the necessity of financial security, but strapping oneself to a person whose problems will only get worse (particularly if that person refuses to acknowledge his problems and make a modicum of effort to improve) will eventually put you in a shitty financial position anyway. 

Post # 9
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Well would you rather be 35 living with your parents barley scrapping by or being married to another alchoholic again? Your call. Sounds like you know what you want to do but you don’t want to live with your parents and scrap by. Get a second job and put money aside while you live with your parents maybe you can save for your own apartmen. Many people do it. You just have to have the will to.

Post # 10
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

As someone who left my second marriage, I understand why you don’t want to.  It’s hard to face.  I stayed an extra two years out of fear of embarrassment.  We finally did it and it was completely the right thing.  I’m my worst critic about my life.  No one else, including my current fiancé cares about my past marriages.  I joke sometimes but I’ve been through a lot and I had too much self respect to stay in marriage that was making us both miserable. I’ve never dealt with substance abuse issues but if you leave you will get back on your feet and probably fall in love again.  It’s a process.  Only you can decide to change the situation you’re in.  Don’t stay married for fear of shame about a second divorce.  You deserve happiness. 

Post # 11
Member
4287 posts
Honey bee

You’re scared of the wrong thing. 

You should be more scared to spend the next 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 years in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic who puts you last and will most likely drink his earnings and leave you with nothing. 

That is a hell of a lot more scary than temporary embarrassment and financial hardship, being with presumably loving supportive parents if you already know they’ll allow you to move back, and opening yourself to the possibility of finding someone who loves you more than they love booze.

You can always find another job and another place to live and another person to love. You can’t get back time spent trapped and withering away in an unhappy dumpster fire of a relationship.

Post # 12
Member
790 posts
Busy bee

You have an issue. You dated a man who had addiction issues throughout the relationship when you should have walked away years ago. I would not be surprised if you knew your first husband was an alcoholic and you married him anyway. This is not about you divorcing a second time – this is about you making terrible decisions dating men who no self-respecting woman would date. 

Consider this your moment to get yourself some help, and learn why you actively choose these relationships. Get divorced and start over with your life. 35 is not too late to find a decent man who is mentally healthy. 

Post # 13
Member
5906 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I understand that it can be daunting to start over at 35, but it is extremely draining to be in a toxic relationship with someone and their addiction. If you divorce your husband, that might free you up to  create a life for yourself that feels good for you- whether or not you are married.

Check out wife.org. Their tagline is “A man is not a financial plan”

Post # 14
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

butterfly1031 :  My heart goes out to you, bee.  I think you are better off alone than with ANY absusive husband. You are strong. He is an addict.  You deserve better and you can find better than this.  Just stay strong and find your PEACE.

Post # 15
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I’m just here to tell you life doesn’t end after 2 divorces.

After marrying an addict and then a narcissist, I’m living proof. Third time’s the charm? 😉

Good luck, Bee.

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