Post # 1
SO and I are visiting his family in California this December. We’ve been dating for almost 8 months (much of which has been long distance) and because of school/job obligations, this will be the first time he’s been home since a couple weeks after we started dating. This will be the first time I’ve met his family (I’m from Virginia). We’ve talked a lot about engagement, but obviously we’re waiting until after I meet his family.
There is a 2 ½ week period where we both are school/job obligation free over Christmas and New Years. Original plan was to spend the first week, including Christmas, at my house. I have to be home for Christmas for family reasons beyond my control. Second week, over New Years, we’d spend in California.
Today he called me and said that there’s a change of plans, and he’ll have a week in the end of October that he’d like to spend with me. He said because of this, he’d like to spend the entire 2 ½ weeks over Christmas and New Years at home. I would just fly over by myself after Christmas. He’s very close to his family and I know how much he wants to spend time with them after not having been home for over a year. It’s not an issue of not spending the time with me, as we’ll have had a weekend every month with the exception of his time at sea for the first part of this year (his service academy’s obligation), in addition to a week this month, that week in October, and a week over Thanksgiving.
Problem: I’m terrified of flying by myself. He knows this. As soon as he told me his proposed plan I was in tears. Since it was over the phone he didn’t see this, but he could tell by my voice how upset I was about it. He told me it’s my choice, if I don’t feel comfortable with flying by myself then he’ll come and spend the first week with me, and then we’ll fly over together. I’m in a position that if I ask him to stay and fly with me, I’ll be selfish and preventing him from having that extra week with his family. I might give him reason to hold resentment, although he’s never been that kind of person before. If I tell him it’s okay, I’m putting myself in a position that I told him from the beginning I was very uncomfortable with.
I’m very open to any opinions on this, as I’m at a loss. I know I shouldn’t be so afraid of flying, but it’s just one of those things. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 🙂
TL;DR: I’m terrified of flying by myself, and SO wants me to so he can spend a week (in addition to the original plan of one week) at home with his family after not seeing them for a year.
This topic was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by vatoca1016.
Post # 2
What are you scared about?
Post # 3
I’m not sure I understand. Are you afraid of flying in general? Or is there something specifically about flying alone that you are afraid of?
Post # 4
Why are you afraid of flying? Finding the cause and a solution to make you comfortable is fairly important. There is will probably be many times in your life that you will have to fly alone. While difficult this a fear that should be addressed.
Post # 5
Why are you afraid of flying alone? Is it flying in general or just by yourself? (Have you ever flown before?)
Post # 6
Your not afraid of flying in general, just flying alone? Where is “home”, where are you flying from? Can you just drive to CA alone?
Honestly, this is something you would need to work on for yourself moreso. Are you assuming that anytime you have to fly that he will or should drop everything to fly with you? That is a lot of money and time. Can you see a counslor to address your fears of flying alone?
Post # 7
Have you considered getting professional help for this issue, as well as getting any prescription drugs to help you get through the flight?
Post # 8
I’m confused – what about flying alone are you afraid of?
Post # 9
I think based on the fact you say you’re just afraid of flying alone, and not just flying in general, I think you should build the courage to fly it alone. Offering to spend a week less with his family to fly with you is extremely generous and in my opinion the proper suggestion from him, but I think you should not force him to do that. You will likely be faced with the possibility of flying alone many times in your life, so it’s best to start getting over your fear now. You’ll be okay!
Post # 10
I am terrifed of flying. Alone or with anyone. The last time I flew I finally found something that worked. Clonipin! My doctor prescribed it because I am phobic. It worked. Not perfect, but it worked. I had tried alcohol, Xanex, and diphenhydramine (not together) before and that did not work. I would not ask someone to fly with me and spend all that money and lose time with family.
Post # 11
I would look into counseling / professional help for this. Because this is the kind of thing that builds resentment. It isn’t right to ask him to make the sacrifice of less time with his parents (and paying for the extra flight to come to you first) when it is really your issue. YOu need to go above and beyond to resolve your own issue before you ask him to make sacrifices.
It sounds like you aren’t afraid to fly, you’re just afariad to fly alone. That kind of irrational neediness will wear holes in your relationship over time. This is the perfect opportunity for you to address it once and for all. And also, the more you do something, the easier it becomes. You can’t avoid the uncomfortable for ever and ever. Sooner or later you need to man-up and make a concerted effort to get over your fears. It’s not cool to hold yourself, and everyone around you, hostage to them.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2015 - The Victorian
As a fellow nervous flyer, I will try to help. I’ll start by saying I fly all the time, but it terrifies me. And unlike you, it’s not dependent on whether I am alone or with someone. First, get yourself to a doctor and see if you can get some Xanax or anti-anxiety medication. I take it as soon as I’m through security. If I wait till I’m already on the plane, I’m already too anxious and my adenaline cancels out the Xanax. Second, get lots of stuff to keep you busy. I usually download at least one movie on my ipad, bring a book and magazine. Third, bring some sort of security blanket or come up with a calming “mantra” for yourself. Every time there is turbulence, I think I’m going to die (literally). So, I might look like a crazy person, but I put my head down and sort of close in on myself and just tell myself (in my head, not out loud) that turbulence is normal, it’s not what causes plane crashes, I’ve been through this before. I also bring a big water and fun snacks so I never feel “trapped.” Lastly, toward the end of the flight, I start thinking about all the fun things I’m going to do when I land and I’ll get to see my FI/friends/parents/a new place and that gets me excited to just land already. I know this probably sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person, but I’m just afraid to fly and this is what helps me. Hope if helps you too.
Post # 13
I was terrified to travel alone. But before my husband and I got married, I was in California and he was in Oklahoma, so I had to come to him. Obvs I couldn’t take mommy and daddy with me, so when the ticket was purchased it was too late.
It’s honestly no big deal. Allow yourself time to get to places early that way you don’t have to move. Literally it’s “Get off plane A, go to place B-1 to get on plane B-2.”
If you get lost, ask an employee.
I’d do it again, because it was seriously easy peasy lemon squeezy. The only iffy part was one of my flights landed late so I had to hoof it to my connecting terminal but I got there with about 20 minutes to spare so it wasn’t as big of a deal as I made it out to be or thought it was.
So, just do it. Every baby bird needs to leap from the nest eventually. Nobody likes flying, but that’s no reason to be afraid of doing it alone. Planes don’t bite and they’re safer than ground travel.
Post # 15
You have plenty of time to get some therapy for this phobia. Some airlines even run courses for people.