Post # 1
So I recently got married and moved in with my Darling Husband. Before marriage I always knew I wanted to have kids, even was thinking 5 at one point (bless my heart). We knew way before marriage that kids were a long way off, as we were still young (23 & 26). Since getting married, I realize that I don’t know if I want kids at all. Or at least biological kids. I’ve known for many years I wanted to adopt, and Darling Husband and I have planned to do this at some point. But to be honest, I have never been a baby person, always preferred kids once they could talk and were semi independent…I can’t see myself enjoying being pregnant either. A few of my friends have baby fever and all I can think of is ewwww! None of that appeals to me at all. I want time with my husband to just enjoy being with him, I enjoy it just being us and our pets, and I want to be able to travel and I just don’t think I am ready for the responsiblity of a baby, like, ever. Darling Husband would be highly upset if I was to get pregnant soon, as he definitely wants to wait too, but kind of gives me side eye when I mention not ever having kids. I just don’t know why I’m feeling this way….did anyone feel like this and it wear off after being married a while? It sucks too because every month I’m a nervous wreck waiting around for my period to show up. We are not using hormonal birth control which is probably most reliable but I prefer hormonal free if I can help it..But I just think if I got pregnant I would be absolutely devastated. Not sure if this is normal or not, I hate feeling this way but I can’t help it! It literally makes me ill when someone even mentions us having a baby!
Post # 2
You don’t have to have a baby to have kids. If your husband is open to adoption and so are you then perhaps adopting an older child is the right option for you. You need to talk with your husband and figure out what you both want. Of course, you need to figure out what you want first.
Also, not being ready in your early twenties doesn’t mean you won’t be ready ever. You have a lot of time.
Post # 3
As hikingbride said- not being ready in your early 20s doesn’t mean you won’t be ready ever.
I was ambivalent about kids until my late 20’s. When I was younger and my friends started having kids I was very clear that I preferred to be traveling and finishing school and hanging out and NOT being responsible for anyone’s life but my own. That changed for me. It doesn’t change for everyone. Since you know now is not a good time for you or your husband, make sure your birth control is on point and enjoy your life for the next few years.
You don’t have to figure anything out right now.
Post # 4
well weʻre not married yet but we are talking having kids before getting married due to age and medical issues and iʻve been feeling relief with my period each month (on the pill) so I realized that i wouldnʻt mind putting it off a little longer than we had originally planned. Itʻs such a commitment! And dare i say, more so than marriage. Iʻve been divorced and honestly, besides the emotional carnage, it was paperwork and we went our separate ways. Not a living breathing tiny human that Iʻm still responsible for after all of that emotional carnage and piles of paperwork. Last night i had 1 too many beers and asked my SO what other placed heʻd like to see before kids and he rattled off 2 or 3 which I also wanted to see, so i think weʻll plan vacays first 🙂
Post # 5
bee123456789 : I feel like I need to give a disclaimer before I say this that I think not wanting to have kids is legitimate and valid.
However, from what you’ve written in this post, I think that you are just young and unsure right now. Most 23 year olds are not ready to have babies and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
You didn’t plan to have kids for several years anyways, so why not just enjoy this phase of your life and keep thinking? As you see more friends and family have kids and as you get more settled in your lives and careers the answer may become more clear to you.
Keep the communication open with your husband. You two chose to get married pretty young, and one of the things that comes along with that is that you haven’t necesssarily settled on all of your big life decisions before you said “I do.” That’s ok, just keep talking and figuring it out together. Choosing to have kids is an easy decision for some, but many people really struggle with it.
Also, make sure your contraceptive game plan is dialed in. It’s not normal to be worried each month about an unwanted pregnancy. There are options for non-hormonal (condoms, NFP, copper IUD) that should be able to help you out.
Post # 6
First off, if you would really be that devasted if you got pregnant, just make sure your being really careful since you don’t want to take Bc, all it takes is one.lol
Second, I was just like you. I just didn’t think that it was something I wanted and I struggled with it because I knew how much Darling Husband wanted kids one day. Then one day it all of a sudden hit me and I knew I wanted to have a baby. That was well over a year ago and we are still in the process. Things can change so much so fast. You guys just got married so I wouldn’t worry about it. Focus on your marriage and the rest will fall into place if it’s meant to. If you end up never wanting to have your own babies, that’s perfectly okay! Time definitely does have a way of changing you though, so never say never!
Post # 7
hikingbride : I know. And when I really sit and think about it, it’s not like I don’t ever want to be a mother. Definitely not something I see for myself right now, but I feel I would be happy and fulfilled adopting an older child or even being a foster parent. There’s just something about babies I just feel is too much for me to handle. I’ve never been a baby person and when everyone else is oohing and aahing over babies I’m just like ehh…that isn’t a new thing for me. And plus being pregnant…But I always figured I’d have one anyway, and I know my Darling Husband would really be disappointed to not have a biological child. But now I just say to myself, why have a child when there are so many out there who need families of their own?
cbgg : We do use condoms but I still feel very unsure, even though they are supposed to be reliable. It might be because we really didn’t have sex until we were married so all of this is just new to me. Right now it’s just the fear of getting pregnant, plus we are already getting all the “so when are you having kids?” comments, and I really have to reign in my utterly negative response.
MrsWolfaith, TwilightRarity : Thanks! It helps to know that people do change and it might just be because I’m enjoying newly married life right now. I know it would devastate both of our sets of parents to not have children, so I hope I grow out of it at some point.
Post # 8
I was nowhere near having kids at 23, not that I was in a position to anyway. I was travelling, building a career and finding out who I was. In fact, for me, it took meeting the right guy in my mid 30s to feel like I wanted kids. And here I am 12 weeks pregnant and a small part of me still wonders if kids are for me!
Anyway, you are young, you will grow and change so much over the next few years. You don’t want kids right now and so make sure you are very careful to avoid a surprise pregnancy and then see how you feel in the future. If you are open to it, I would suggest getting the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and tracking your temperature. We used tracking and condoms to avoid pregnancy until we were ready, then got pregnant the first month of trying.
Post # 9
bee123456789 : “I know it would devastate both of our sets of parents to not have children, so I hope I grow out of it at some point.”
No, that is absolutely a terrible reason to have children. Don’t do it to please someone else and make them a grandparent; do it only if you want to be a mother yourself.
Not wanting to have biological (or any) children at all is just as normal and valid as wanting to have kids. In fact, adopting or fostering an unwanted child instead of contributing more to the world’s population is quite a noble and selfless thing. But if you want to have a baby, then fine. Just don’t feel like you *must* have one just to avoid disappointing someone else.
By pleasing someone else, you might just end up disappointing your future self.
Post # 10
jejangles : I use a fertitility app and log my data, I’ve always been able to recognize clearly when I ovulate so that helps…but I haven’t started charting my temperature yet. Think I need to do that, thanks!!
slothbear : No, I totally get what you are saying! There is no way that I would have a biological child just to appease parents. I think my parents would be just as happy if we just adopted, but DH’s parents I’m not so sure because he is only one to carry on the “family” line..that’s important to some people. I wouldn’t do it for them under any circumstance but I do hope it’s just a phase anyway. I am dead set on adopting either way.
Post # 11
bee123456789 : you are 23. Clam down. There is a lot of time left and you should be having fun and enjoying life.
And if youdon’t have kids then you dont have kids and your damn parents are going to have to get over it. They choose their life. It is now turn for you to choose yours. I never wanted kids. Mom got used to the idea and if she didn’t like it oh flippin well. She’s not taking care of it.
Have you thought about a more reliable form of birthcontrol?
Post # 12
I feel this! I’ve always wanted children. I went to school to be a teacher, because I love children, and couldn’t wait to have my own. I wanted 4.
Fast forward to now, and I’m thinking I’d have 2 kids, 3 at most, but I’m not even sure about that. Having children terrifies me now, and even though I take my BC religiously, the thought of coming up pregnant just makes me so scared. I can’t wait to be married. Fiance and I want to take trips, and enjoy each other’s company.
I think part of my concern is that my SIL recently had a baby, and their whole experience put me off of having children. I’m not even married yet, and already I have family members asking when we’re going to give them “grandbabies” and “great grandbabies!” It’s insane.
Post # 13
VictorianChick : I wish I knew of a more reliable form that wasn’t hormonal or an IUD….I know several people with horror stories about IUDs tearing uteruses so it just kind of freaks me out, but frankly I don’t know much about them and probably need to do research. I think a form of BC like that would help me feel better but I feel like besides hormonal/IUD there’s not many other options that I know about.
Post # 14
knotyet : I know! I hate those questions. I internally cringe when I get asked, especially by DH’s parents who already want some more grandkids. I feel like for the most part, having a baby changes the whole dynamic of your marriage and makes things even harder, so I am super content to just enjoy being with my Darling Husband for a long time without all that extra stress! I don’t know how people have babies, work, have a good marriage, and then do 1000x other things on top of it. I definitely am not ready to give up my sleep! Lol. But my best friend who just got married is all about having babies and she is so excited for it and it just makes me feel weird when she acts that way and I’m like totally turned off by the thought.
Post # 15
bee123456789 : I’m in my 30s and still unsure if I want them. I’m also scared of pregnancy and labor… absolutely terrified! And I hate hospitals too. We just might go the adoption route as well… helps a foster kid be part a family and get that family structure in their life, which helps them developmentally. It’s actually a beautiful thing to adopt!