Terrified of having kids?

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
9736 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You don’t have to have a baby to have kids. If your husband is open to adoption and so are you then perhaps adopting an older child is the right option for you. You need to talk with your husband and figure out what you both want. Of course, you need to figure out what you want first.

Also, not being ready in your early twenties doesn’t mean you won’t be ready ever. You have a lot of time.

Post # 3
Member
6233 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

As hikingbride said- not being ready in your early 20s doesn’t mean you won’t be ready ever.

I was ambivalent about kids until my late 20’s. When I was younger and my friends started having kids I was very clear that I preferred to be traveling and finishing school and hanging out and NOT being responsible for anyone’s life but my own. That changed for me. It doesn’t change for everyone. Since you know now is not a good time for you or your husband, make sure your birth control is on point and enjoy your life for the next few years.

You don’t have to figure anything out right now.

Post # 4
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

well weʻre not married yet but we are talking having kids before getting married due to age and medical issues and iʻve been feeling relief with my period each month (on the pill) so I realized that i wouldnʻt mind putting it off a little longer than we had originally planned. Itʻs such a commitment! And dare i say, more so than marriage. Iʻve been divorced and honestly, besides the emotional carnage, it was paperwork and we went our separate ways. Not a living breathing tiny human that Iʻm still responsible for after all of that emotional carnage and piles of paperwork. Last night i had 1 too many beers and asked my SO what other placed heʻd like to see before kids and he rattled off 2 or 3 which I also wanted to see, so i think weʻll plan vacays first 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

bee123456789 :  I feel like I need to give a disclaimer before I say this that I think not wanting to have kids is legitimate and valid.

However, from what you’ve written in this post, I think that you are just young and unsure right now.  Most 23 year olds are not ready to have babies and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

You didn’t plan to have kids for several years anyways, so why not just enjoy this phase of your life and keep thinking?  As you see more friends and family have kids and as you get more settled in your lives and careers the answer may become more clear to you.

Keep the communication open with your husband.  You two chose to get married pretty young, and one of the things that comes along with that is that you haven’t necesssarily settled on all of your big life decisions before you said “I do.”  That’s ok, just keep talking and figuring it out together.  Choosing to have kids is an easy decision for some, but many people really struggle with it.

Also, make sure your contraceptive game plan is dialed in.  It’s not normal to be worried each month about an unwanted pregnancy.  There are options for non-hormonal (condoms, NFP, copper IUD) that should be able to help you out.  

Post # 6
Member
545 posts
Busy bee

First off, if you would really be that devasted if you got pregnant, just make sure your being really careful since you don’t want to take Bc, all it takes is one.lol 

Second, I was just like you. I just didn’t think that it was something I wanted and I struggled with it because I knew how much Darling Husband wanted kids one day. Then one day it all of a sudden hit me and I knew I wanted to have a baby. That was well over a year ago and we are still in the process. Things can change so much so fast. You guys just got married so I wouldn’t worry about it. Focus on your marriage and the rest will fall into place if it’s meant to. If you end up never wanting to have your own babies, that’s perfectly okay!  Time definitely does have a way of changing you though, so never say never! 

Post # 8
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

I was nowhere near having kids at 23, not that I was in a position to anyway. I was travelling, building a career and finding out who I was. In fact, for me, it took meeting the right guy in my mid 30s to feel like I wanted kids. And here I am 12 weeks pregnant and a small part of me still wonders if kids are for me!

Anyway, you are young, you will grow and change so much over the next few years. You don’t want kids right now and so make sure you are very careful to avoid a surprise pregnancy and then see how you feel in the future. If you are open to it, I would suggest getting the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and tracking your temperature. We used tracking and condoms to avoid pregnancy until we were ready, then got pregnant the first month of trying.

Post # 9
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

bee123456789 :  “I know it would devastate both of our sets of parents to not have children, so I hope I grow out of it at some point.”

No, that is absolutely a terrible reason to have children. Don’t do it to please someone else and make them a grandparent; do it only if you want to be a mother yourself.

Not wanting to have biological (or any) children at all is just as normal and valid as wanting to have kids. In fact, adopting or fostering an unwanted child instead of contributing more to the world’s population is quite a noble and selfless thing. But if you want to have a baby, then fine. Just don’t feel like you *must* have one just to avoid disappointing someone else.

By pleasing someone else, you might just end up disappointing your future self.

Post # 11
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee

bee123456789 :  you are 23. Clam down. There is a lot of time left and you should be having fun and enjoying life.

And if youdon’t have kids then you dont have kids and your damn parents are going to have to get over it. They choose their life. It is now turn for you to choose yours. I never wanted kids. Mom got used to the idea and if she didn’t like it oh flippin well. She’s not taking care of it.

Have you thought about a more reliable form of birthcontrol?

Post # 12
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I feel this! I’ve always wanted children. I went to school to be a teacher, because I love children, and couldn’t wait to have my own. I wanted 4.

Fast forward to now, and I’m thinking I’d have 2 kids, 3 at most, but I’m not even sure about that. Having children terrifies me now, and even though I take my BC religiously, the thought of coming up pregnant just makes me so scared. I can’t wait to be married. Fiance and I want to take trips, and enjoy each other’s company.

I think part of my concern is that my SIL recently had a baby, and their whole experience put me off of having children. I’m not even married yet, and already I have family members asking when we’re going to give them “grandbabies” and “great grandbabies!” It’s insane.

Post # 15
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

bee123456789 :  I’m in my 30s and still unsure if I want them.  I’m also scared of pregnancy and labor… absolutely terrified!  And I hate hospitals too.  We just might go the adoption route as well… helps a foster kid be part a family and get that family structure in their life, which helps them developmentally.  It’s actually a beautiful thing to adopt!

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