(Closed) Text from his ex…long, sorry, but please read.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m not sure. If one of my FI’s ex’s had mentioned wanting to meet for lunch, I would want him to tell me. Talking is one thing, but getting together when he didn’t tell you they had talked? That would make me uncomfortable. I think you should find a way to talk to him about it. Honesty and communication are important. If you bottle it up, you may start to resent him for it later.

Post # 4
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I used to be a snooper, so I don’t judge you at all for that.  You saw it, it happened.  Not a big deal there in my opinion.  

While I don’t think he needs to necessarily tell you every time he has contact with her…I think if they are going to go to lunch or do go to lunch he should be totally up front with you about it.  I totally trust my Fiance, just as I am sure you do…but I would have a problem if he was going to lunch with other women, especially ones that he has had a relationship with in the past, and didn’t mention it to me.

I would just tell him you saw it and talk to him about…before anything gets blown up unnecessarily.  Good luck!

Post # 5
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Yes, I think you should know every contact with an ex. An ex isn’t just another girl, its an ex. there is a history there. I think he owes that to you at least

Post # 6
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My SO and I had a similiar situation to yours.  I really don’t mind if he communicates with his ex gf as long as its a once in a blue moon type of thing.  I do appreciate it when he does tell me he called him though.  Also, if he EVER decided to meet up with ANY ex, he better have the decency to tell me.  Just out of respect.  I don’t think anything would ever happen if they did meet up, but it’s just the principle.  As far as the “searching through his phone”, I never liked it when he would do that to my phone,which he use to do often.  As long as you both have an understanding about it, then I don’t see the big deal.

Post # 9
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My initial reaction is: yes, he should have been candid with you about it.  Thinking it through a bit further, however, you have to consider also that guys just don’t think to share everything that girls would.  That doesn’t mean that they’re trying to hide something, just that it isn’t in the forefront of their brain.  If he shared the other stuff with him, he may just not have been considering every detail of the text-message conversation.

It’s just a part of human nature, and the fundamental differences between men and women.  I have seen the same thing with my Fiance, with him sharing things with his family.  We were in a relationship for two years before I met my Future In-Laws, and was shocked at some of the things that he hadn’t told them.  Not bad stuff, just important stuff that I couldn’t imagine my family not knowing about.  When I asked him about it, either he insisted that “surely he’d told them…maybe”, or said he’d simply forgotten.  Not because he didn’t care, or discounted it’s relevance, just because it never occurred to him to share it.

I wouldn’t throw your man under the bus quite yet, it sounds like he’s trying to be honest in this situation – he may just not be obsessing about every detail of the interaction. (Ahem…like I would…)

I will note, however, that my Fiance does not have any exes, so I can’t say how I’d react in this situation.  I only have one ex, and it was very innocent, uninvolved, 16-year-old “courtship” that lasted about 3 months.

Good luck and best wishes for your wedding, I hope you work things out. 🙂

Edit:  I just noticed your post and I wouldn’t recommend complicating the situation with a lie, even if  you’re trying to determine the truth from him.  If he wasn’t trying to be dishonest, even small untruths can rock the foundation of a solid, honest relationship.  Which is what it sounds like you guys have. 🙂

Post # 10
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Just want to throw something out there: how do you know his text was truthful? He might be looking for any way to not see her, even if its for your sake, and may have just been being nice to her.

I still think its kind of crappy. Fiance tells me whenever stuff like this happens, so i can understand where you’re coming from.

Post # 11
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with elusive photo…I wouldn’t make up a story about an ex of yours wanting to have lunch.  Or even say it’s something you saw on here.

I could see one of two things happening, he either doesn’t say anything about it and then you get no where still.

Or he may see through your cover up story and then you have complicated things.

If you want to get to the bottom of it, I would just be honest with it.  He’ll probably be mad for a minute, but then get over it.

Post # 12
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My first response is yes and no. 

Yes because it would have been the right thing to do. And No if it was nothing, if he had no feelings for her.


My advice is to talk to him about it. Let him no that you are a little worried, you know they had a past together and don’t want to lose him. Just try to stay calm, I know that that would be a little hard for me. I’ve got a temper. I hope everything works out for you!!

Post # 13
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

What this sounds like to me is that you’re a little suspicious and you have every right to be.  You shouldn’t feel bad about reading his email, or the history of his cell phone texts and calls.  If you’re going to be marrying this guy, you need to be able to trust him, and have open communication with him.  No subject should be off limits.  And if it really bothers you that he’s contacting his ex, ask him to cut off all communication with her.  If he REALLY loves you, he would do it.  Trust me I know what you’re going through because I’ve been through it with my ex. Luckily I was able to break up with him and find a trustworthy (and sexy) man.  Good luck.

Edit: I’m not saying that you should break up with him. If he’s asked you to marry him he obviously loves you and has made a commitment to you. I just think that you guys should have an open conversation about his ex and about everything else that may concern you. Especially before your wedding. I think that you should try not to get jealous and avoid it turning into an argument. Communication is VERY important.

Post # 15
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

There is no right or wrong answer to whether you should know or have to know about all his contacts with this girl. What matters is that you two make an agreement you are both happy with and then stick to it.

Case in point: I am friends with an ex of mine, and my husband doesn’t really like it. He doesn’t suspect me of cheating, nothing funny is going on—he just doesn’t like hearing about it, so he has asked me not to tell him about it when we chat. I am fine with that. I have nothing to hide and would tell him everything if he asks—but he doesn’t ask, so I don’t volunteer. It is a solution that works for us.

So the short answer is, no, you don’t have to hear about it every time he interacts with his ex if you don’t want to. If you trust him and you would prefer not to have to hear about it, then tell him that. And next time he leaves his fb open log him out before you have a chance to snoop!

It sounds like you don’t want to hear about it and you trust him, but you think that because this girl is an ex it means that you are under some obligation to monitor their relationship. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. It’s one thing to hide things from one another and quite another to agree to keep some things private unless directly asked about. Couples shouldn’t be keeping big secrets from one another but they are also allowed privacy. I hope you find a solution that works for you!

Post # 16
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can totally help you out here. I have the same situation, only reversed. I live in a tiny town, while my fiancee lives in pittsburgh. i constantly run into exes, and he rarely does. one “ex” if u can call him that is best friends with my best friends, not to mention roommates with my best guy friend blah blah blah

we see each other almost every week b/c we all go out for drinks once a week. i tell my fiancee each week if hes there or not. but under no circumstance do i hang out with this ex alone…its just…wrong, well at least i feel it would be. always put yourself in the others shoes, and be open and completely honest. i wouldnt be crazy ab my fiancee seeing his exes, but in a group thing with mutual friends it cant always be avoided.

with all this being said – ive never given him a reason to doubt me. ive always been open and honest. now if i wasnt – i wouldnt judge my fiancee for getting suspicious if he ran across something.

the day he violated your trust no matter how small or large the violation he needed to realize that you have to look out for you and have to make sure you have every reason to believe him. so you saw an accidental message. big deal. after that he should have told you ab any communication – esp. if he knew even a small thing sort of bothered you and was something you wanted to know.

maybe you should communicate to him (if you havent already) that no matter how small the communication you would like to at least know. now no one says you’re flipping out – let him know its not a control thing, but just that you would feel more comfortable knowing about their communication, esp with a sexual past between the two of them.

best of luck =) it’ll turn out ok i’m sure




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