(Closed) Thank You card for no gift?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Your description reminded me of a custom up here in western New York (we’re not from here, so we’re not used to this at all)….it’s called a "Stag" or a "stag and drag" where there is a party for either the couple or just the groom in which there is auctioning off of alcohol and other such games and the purpose is to raise money for the wedding.  I’m personally not a fan of this custom as my fiance has been invited to a few where we weren’t even invited to the wedding…..and they usually charge for ‘tickets’ to even go to the event.  (once, he was asked to go play poker with the guys and then it ended up being a stag and he had to pay admission and felt obligated to bid for a bottle of Jack.).  Anyone else ever heard of this kind of thing???  I’m really kind of taken aback by the whole thing.  I feel like you have a shower, but you usually get gifts for your home, it’s not a blatant "fundraiser" for your big day.  We didn’t  do the "stag" for our wedding though.  Just curious if anyone else has stuff like this.

Post # 18
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sending one to everyone who came. The text will actually be printed on the card, and be like a "where are we now" update, since it’s been a while since the wedding (oops, we are slackers). I am sure this is completely against etiquette, but…that’s just too bad. I think our guests will appreciate it regardless.

ANYWAY. Part of the thank you text will say something to the effect of "thank you for your gift, whether it was written, wrapped, or simply the presence of your company." I just wanted to include everyone because I think they’d like to see a card from us.

Jessica

http://www.snaptacularphotos.com/blog/

Post # 19
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Personally I was offended by the lack of gifts/cards that we received at our wedding.  We only received gifts from 65% of our guests. 

The monetary value is not what irks me, I would have been happy with a card – something to wish us well, a sweet note in a card would have been lovely.

We actually had a family of 8 come, all with grown children, and NONE of them gave us a gift.  The thing that bothered me the most is that the month before the wedding, one of the older children had a housewarming party and on the invitation it listed the types of gifts to bring him.  So when we didn’t receive even a card from any of them, believe me, I was offended!

Post # 20
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@akehurst:  I could not disagree more with the person who said gifts should not be expected. . .you are ashamed of the birdes?  what?  Brides should be so grateful to guests for honoring them with their presence at their most intimate life event?  I don’t know what planet you are living on and I don’t know any brides who have a wedding for the gifts.  That being said, it is the presentless guest who should feel ashamed of themselves.  The bride and groom are “including them” in their celebration and they don’t have the courtesty to give a nice card of well wishes, and maybe even a box of candy?  That is common courtesy and should be expected.  If a guest shows up at a wedding, eats the food, drinks the wine, etc, and gives “nothing”, they are CHEAP.

Post # 21
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I posted this question before and was told the etiquette rule on this is that you should not send a thank you card to someone who did not bring a gift because it can be taken as you reminding them they didn’t get you a gift, which is rude. I was not aware of this rule before, but the person who posted the answer is pretty well versed on etiquette.

Post # 22
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I just finished my thank yous.  In fact my fiance and I each wrote separate thank yous to each of our guests, regardless of any gift.  I left it to her to thank the guests specifically for the gifts and I just thanked them for coming or for some small thing they did that made me smile.  We specifically told people that we considered their attendance the most  precious gift of all.  We also linked to a modest wedding registry for those guests who felt compelled to buy a gift regardless.  

The period immediately following your wedding is the one time in your life you have ocassion to share joy with so many people.  Take advantage!

Post # 23
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s only expected to give one gift to the couple.  Thus, its totally understandable that people would give a gift at the shower and not at the wedding.  In fact, they probably feel that they are being very considerate of you – attending your shower and giving you a gift in advance rather than a big package to deal with on your wedding day!

Sure, gifts aren’t to be expected, but it is also rude to attend a wedding as a guest and not give a gift.  It’s one of those catch-22’s.  Just send a thank you saying thanks for coming.  It does happen that gifts get misplaced or lost.  If that’s the case, when the guests receive your “thanks for coming” card they’ll probably realize the mishap, rather than assuming that you’re the one with bad manners!

Post # 23
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

akehurst:  Actually, I thought your earlier reply was very eloquent – not a judgmental lecture at all.  You’re right, we should all be grateful for the blessing of people’s company and the celebratory congratulations they offer, not their gifts.  With that in mind, I think it’s a very thoughtful idea to give thank you cards to guests, whether they bring gifts or not.  That’s what I did for my 1st wedding.  My impending wedding is actually a renewal of vows, celebrating the 20 years my hubby and I have spent together.  Naturally, because our home is already established, I do not expect or want gifts.  However, I still think it’s a great idea to thank each guest for attending. 🙂

Post # 24
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

breadandbutterflies:  I hadn’t considered that possibility before.  I suppose if only a handful of guests do not give gifts while they were aware of everyone else giving one, then yes, they probably would be embarrassed to receive a thank you card.  My only hesitation in not sending them a card would be because I realize that some people want to participate in the celebration but do not have the finances to purchase a gift.  I suppose this would reflect what type of friends and family you have.  For instance, many of my guests are not from affluent backgrounds.  Some of them struggle financially.  So I would say that whether you send a thank you note to all your guests (even those who don’t give gifts) would be an entirely personal choice – not at all dependent on etiquette.

Post # 25
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t send a thank you card to a guest who attended my wedding but didn’t give a gift. The reception is a thank you for guests who attended the ceremony. A thank you card on top of that seems redundant and unnecessary to me.

Post # 26
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We did photo catss with a note under I. We sent to everyone including those who didnt gift. 

to the op on stags they are popular in New England area it’s normal in my circles to have them my hubby had one. 

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