Post # 1
I saw an family friend of my parent’s last night. I’m friends with this woman’s daughter and the daughter attended our wedding. I got a wedding greeting card in the mail from the mom and I thought it was sweet, but I didn’t send a thank you card to her.
When I saw her last night, I thanked her for her thoughfulness in sending the card. She aahed and ooed and asked how long we’d been married and then said – oh, you have a year to send thank you’s.
I was a bit baffled at what she was implying at first – and now I’m a bit mortified at the exchange. Her daughter told her to quit it and I told her – I’m thanking you in person. 🙂
But, I’m curious – SHOULD I have sent a thank you for a card only to a non-wedding guest? I don’t send thank you’s for b’day cards (without gifts) so it didn’t even dawn on me to send a thank you card for a wedding card.
Post # 3
Did this woman come to your wedding? I’d send a card thanking the person for coming to the wedding, but it she didn’t come to the wedding and just sent a random card, I wouldn’t. It would be like giving thank you cards to everyone who said congratulations to you over the course of your engagement!
Post # 4
Had she been a guest and only sent a card, yeah, I’d send a thank you card for her attendance. But a total non-guest who sent a card who I already verbally thanked? No. Not wasting my time on that logic.
Post # 5
Sending a thank you card for a greeting card seems kind of silly IMO. If she’d sent a check or even attended the wedding, I’d send one, but in this case, I think she’s wrong to expect it, especially since you thanked her in person for the well-wishes
Post # 5
I probably wouldn’t normally send one, but since she is clearly expecting it – why not? It’ll cost you a stamp, but maybe next time the card will come with a gift.
Post # 6
@oracle: I would have thought thanking her in person would have been enough, if she didn’t send a gift, but I’m not an expert.
ETA: I also didn’t send thank-yous to wedding guests who attended but didn’t give a gift (honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to track those people anyway since some RSVP yes-ers didn’t show, and some ‘nos’ did show.” I figure the free meal and entertainment is thank you enough…..so a non-wedding guest? Definitely not.
Post # 7
I did the same thing for guests with no gift – I did NOT send a thank you for their presence – although, I did thank them at the wedding for coming.
Post # 8
exactly, I’d thank them at the wedding, but not send an additional card.
That’s just really odd to me though……sending you a congratulatory card and then asking for a thank you…..like you said, you don’t send thank yous for all the birthday/Christmas cards you write!
Post # 9
I agree, I’m mortified that she said that to you! I wouldn’t have sent a card either I don’t think.
Post # 10
no – she did not come to the wedding (she wasn’t invited and she lived out of state at the time). Had she lived in state, and we had developed a relationship with her, she would have been invited. But, it wasn’t the case at the time.
Post # 11
maybe she meant to put a check in there, but it slipped out? that’s all i got- how bizarre lol.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I sent a thank you care to anyone who gave a card or gift, whether they were invited to the wedding or not. It was sweet of them to think of us and send their well wishes, so I wanted to thank them. 🙂
Post # 13
No, but I would call to say thanks again.
Post # 14
I sent an email to her daughter today (who witnessed the whole interchange) and asked if her mom was offended. I think I’ll get some gauge as to how to proceed from here… but, it also doesn’t feel right to send a thank you card NOW – which seems forced and silly… but, I guess if she REALLY wants one…. sigh.
Post # 15
The poor lady was mistaken about her etiquette in three different ways.
Firstly, you absolutely do NOT “have a year to send thank-yous”. That’s a mis-statement of a different old etiquette mistake. Thank-yous must be sent as soon as you can get to them: the gold standard of politeness being that you should write your thank-you note before you go to bed on the day that you opened the gift. It is commonly said that you — as a guest — “have a year to send a wedding gift”. That in itself is a garbled rule. No-one is ever obliged to send a gift, and if you are close enough to the couple to assume that a wedding present would be welcome, you are close enough to them to assume that a “just because” present would be welcome, so you can send a gift at any time. What you need to avoid, is giving any appearance of having waitedbefore giving your gift to see whether the marriage lasts, or whether the marriage bears fruit — both of which would happen around the one-year mark.
But even so, a card is not a gift. It falls under the general category of “correspondence”, even if the body of the correspondence is copyright the Hallmark company and all the lady did was sign her name. You should always respond to correspondence unless you intend to snub the person, just as you would respond to a spoken remark. But unless there is a significant hand-written personal message in the card, an equally-nominal response such as a card next Christmas is perfectly adequate.
Thirdly, she is mistaken inpublically attempting to correct another adult’s manners in a manner causing embarrassment — and would be, even if she hadn’t been mistaken about what is correct. A polite lady would have smoothed things over, rather than stirred them up.
Incidentally, even had she come to the wedding, you would not have owed her a thank-you note. It is the guests who are supposed to write a polite note thanking their hostess within a day or two of being hosted to dinner.