(Closed) Thank you card question

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m on the fence about this too. I think it’s a nice gesture to say, “Thanks for coming to the wedding” but I also don’t want to highlight the fact that they didn’t get a gift. I’m curious to see what others think.

Post # 4
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I sent a thank you to every person that came. Gift or no Gift. 

Post # 5
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I sent one to people who didn’t give a gift or a card. Just thanking them for being there.

However, I used the cards as a good guidline to know who actually showed up, so if I missed someone who didn’t at least give a card well… SORRY!

Post # 6
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think the correct answer is yes, you thank them for coming to the wedding and celebrating with you. But I will fully admit my hypocrisy here, because I definitely did not do this… :-S

Post # 7
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yes, definitely.  You thank them for coming.  If it highlights the fact that they didn’t give a gift, the only reason they’d feel guilty is if they had wanted to bring a gift.

There’s no harm done, and even though this shouldn’t be the main motivating factor, cards do get lost or stolen at weddings (it’s sad, but it happens).  If someone receives a thank you for coming but not for a monetary gift when they had in fact stuffed a check in a card, they may realize that it never got to you, or if they had shipped one to you off of your registry perhaps there was a shipping error, etc.  Sending a “thank you for coming” ensures that no one mistakingly thinks you’re ungrateful, and besides, you are probably grateful that they came to share your day with you (unless they’re one of the additional guests foisted by parents or in-laws, but it’s still nice that they came out to support you).

Post # 8
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I did. I wrote, your attendance was appreciated.

Post # 9
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I read a lot of WB posts about this – I was on ‘team send a thank you to everyone’ until I read a post about how a thank you about a non-gift makes it sound like you are bitter they didn’t gift anything.  And, honestly, that’s was an underlying feeling for me – so, because of that, I decided to not send one at all.  

I was grateful they were there and I thanked them in person for coming (as I did with all the guests).  So, my thank you’s were really for the gifts (since I had already done the thanking prior!).

Here’s the Miss Manners article that sealed the deal for me:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=25448001

Post # 10
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

How do you know they aren’t going to give you a gift? I’m two months out and still receiving gifts… I wonder when I should just send the final ones to people who didn’t give gifts.

Post # 11
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

You should send a thank you to everyone for taking part in your special day. Why would you only be thankful for people that gave gifts? Rude.

Post # 12
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@PinkMagnolia: This is the part I’m unsure about. We are still receiving gifts and I’m not sure when that window of time closes and I should just send a thank you for attending. If they might still send a gift, I would feel weird sending 2 thank yous.

Post # 13
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@oracle: agreed!

I personally thanked and talked to every guest at the wedding.  We actually had very few people come without a gift (no one gave a card and no gift – it was either card and gift or nothing).  Of the handful of people that did not give gifts, I am actually bitter about two of them (or maybe a better way to put it is that I am very confused as to why I didn’t receive a gift from these guests).  We also just received a gift 2 months after the wedding and another wedding guest brought up the fact that she still had to get us something. 

So to answer your question, I think you should only write thank you notes to those who gave gifts.  If you have guests that paid a lot to travel to the wedding but did not bring a gift, I think in some cases it makes sense to thank them for coming.

Post # 14
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I second Oracle’s link to MissManners.  A host doesn’t thank a guest for coming in writing.  If you invited someone over for dinner, would you send THEM a thank you note the next day?  You would not… THEY would send you a thank you.

Post # 16
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@FutureMrsChaney: haha, well in that case, I would not write thank you notes!  Since they are your (and your husband’s) friends, I assume you thanked them in person before, during and/or after the wedding, so I would leave it at that unless they end up sending a gift.

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