(Closed) Thank you cards…

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
2677 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

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VeroRC:  Can you slyly ask around? Like maybe your mom knows what your aunt gifted you or maybe try to contact the place you registered to see if they can provide you with any identifying information so some correlating gifts? Otherwise, I think
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acglandorf:‘s advice is the next best thing!  

Post # 17
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969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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freckles071611:  well we will just agree to disagree, thankfully no one in my circle considers any type of thank you card as gift grabby and enjoy getting mailed items. I mean by your logic when I personally thanked everyone at my shower that was enough and I didn’t need to send thank you notes to them either. As I a. Thanked them in person and b. Gifted them with a meal and some gift bags etc. ill just be Oprah, thand you notes and love for everyone! 

Post # 18
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1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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BWLE:  I agree! In a technology age, everyone loves getting a personalized letter in the mail! I don’t think I know anyone who would look at a thank you card after the wedding and think ‘oh no! She sent me a thank you card for coming to the reception. I’m never speaking with her again.’

That seems bizarre to me.

I did speak with my friend about her wedding though, and she had a fairly large wedding. I’d say about 200 people. The only people she sent thank you notes to was the ones that sent gifts or cards BECAUSE she didn’t know who attended otherwise. There was no way of knowing whether or not someone showed up so to send them a thank you card if they didn’t even show up would have been rude. That I agree with.

 

Post # 19
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2076 posts
Buzzing bee

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acglandorf:  Yu do realize that people probably aren’t saying ‘oh no! She sent me a thank you card for coming to the reception. I’m never speaking with her again.’  I mean talk about really jumping to the extreme.  But they could think that the couple is pushing for a gift.  That doesn’t mean that they will no longer talk to the couple, but it could make them feel slightly uncomfortable/guilty for not getting them a gift.

And your second point, is actually a very good one.  If I had sent thank you notes to everyone who RSVPd yes, then there would have been a handful to get a thank you note when they actually didn’t come.  So lets use this as another reason as to why you should not send thank you notes based just on attendance.  Unless you have someone checking off people as they walk into your reception you may have no idea who was a no show.  Talk about making someone uncomfortable by receiving a thank you note for their attendance when they didn’t actually attend.  It could also be seen that the couple is just sending out blanket cards and really didn’t even notice who their guests were.  The only way you may know who truly came is if you have a tiny, under 50 person wedding.

Post # 20
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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freckles071611:  Well considering that’s what I’m having in Jamaica (about 30 to 40 people), I’ll just go ahead and assume it’s safe to send everyone a thank you card whether they get me a gift or not. If they are planning on traveling overseas for me, I think it’s fair to send them a card in the mail even though I thank them at the reception.

And I don’t think that sending a thank you card is pushing for a gift. We will have to agree to disagree on this.

We are having a marriage celebration back in the states, which I don’t expect to get many gifts from that either since it’s not an actual wedding. However, I will still be sending thank you cards to those who came to celebrate with us. They attend my party, they get a thank you. Simple as that in my book.

Post # 21
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee

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VeroRC:  This is really tricky! I agree with PPs to send separate thank you cards and holiday cards. I personally don’t think that sending a heartfelt “thank you for coming” card is rude in the least, but the prevailing view seems to be that it is passive-aggressive, so maybe don’t do that.

Did you have a gift registry? If so, maybe you could contact the store and see if they are able to tell you who purchased which gift. Cash and off-registry gifts are tough, but I don’t see how cash could get separated from a card, as they would be in the same envelope. For off-registry gifts, you could try asking your family members if they remember which person brought a present that was wrapped in blue sparkly paper with a white bow, for example (assuming you even remember the details of the packaging yourself).

Post # 22
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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freckles071611:  I had 170 ppl at my wedding and I spoke to every single one of them, and knew who was there and who didn’t show (no one). Of the whopping 10 cards we didn’t get from attendees, we got some gifts later on and the rest were from guests I spent enough time with to know otherwise So they got thank you for coming cards.

ugh why is everything so black and white to some people. things should be situational, the bride knows her guests and can do what she sees fit based on her personal situation. to get back to OP’s original question I would rather run the risk of sending a thank you and -possibly if ur a sensitive sally- looking semi gift grabby to someone who may have not gotten me a gift than not thanking someone who potentially did. 

Post # 23
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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VeroRC:  Ok so obviously there’s some disagreement about whether you send cards to everyone or just to people who gave you gifts. Personally, I sent them to everyone who gave us gifts, traveled, and/or helped in some way. I did not send a thank you to my SILs who live 10 minutes from the venue but never offered any kind of help and didn’t give a gift. Paying for their meal and drinks was their thank you for bothering to show up at the ceremony IMO. 

That said- A) Don’t combine your thank yous with Christmas cards. They are two different things. B) If you can find out who gave what, try. If you had a registry the store might be willing to tell you who bought what. (My registry was with BB&B and they had no problem telling me who purchased gifts and even if they were being delivered to us or to the purchaser.) You can ask around. Worst case, then I guess you have to send a thank you to everyone and not mention the gift. For me, though, as a guest I would assume you didn’t get my gift and freak out. You mention the gift not only to show gratitude, but to confirm for the giver that no one made off with your presents, which the Bee has taught me is not uncommon.

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