(Closed) Thank you cards are not optional!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
3448 posts
Sugar bee

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@Luckygal5571: I would think of that as a slap in the face. As a guest, we spend time picking out gifts from a registry and wrapping them to make them look good. I would rather NOT receive a thank you card than one that only says “Thanks for celebrating our day with us, we’ll never forget it”. You could include that phrase on every one, but make sure you also personally thank them for whatever gift they gave you!

Post # 48
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree that Thank You notes are a must. It has been about 3 weeks since our at home reception and we are still waiting for the cards to come in, but we really truly wanna make it a point to get the cards out in the next few weeks at least cuz we do appreciate everyone’s generosity and we want to show that. I would be upset myself if I didn’t get a thank you card for a gift.

Post # 49
Member
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Luckygal5571: I’d say a prefilled phrase is fine as long as you add something to each one. Like we love the towels, or whatever they got you. But it would save time as you are pretty much going to be saying the same phrase in each one, so might as well have it already there.

Post # 50
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

My parents never got a thank-you card from my cousin’s wedding. They flew out (said cousin lives on the other side of the country), gifted them, AND my dad made a wedding video for them.

I guess she figured that because she said “thank you” verbally to everyone at the gift opening, she didn’t need to send out cards. Sigh.

Post # 51
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Pinksapphire: did I read wrong or did you just say (in your OP) that “others” are supposed to send out your Thank You cards for you???

Because since im in the middle of doing mine (Bridal Shower was Saturday) that kind of boggles my mind that the Bride wouldn’t even write their own Thank You card. Whats the point of giving Thanks if you the receiver aren’t even doing it? Just to have it be done? Then save the bother, take a mental note and pass on the next ‘gift giving opportunity.’

^^^ that reason alone is the reason we no longer have manners or etiquette, expecting others to do what you should be capable of doing on your own; and showing class.

Post # 52
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

7 weeks is a little too early to be complaining about not getting a thank you note IMO.  I’m still working on mine.  Although I definitely believe in sending thank you notes myself, I don’t require them from others so it’s not something I would ever get worked up over personally. 

Post # 53
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I guess I’m in the minority but I definitely think thank you cards or notes are optional, unless the receiver specifically asked for/forced the giver into buying the gift, which I understand many brides and grooms do, but not all of them.

To me a gift is just that – a gift. I think people should buy gifts altruistically out of their hearts and without expectation.It’s nice and the polite thing to do to send thank you cards but I don’t think it should be mandatory.

Not that I don’t understand the frustration, though – I don’t ever expect gifts from anyone nor do I buy Christmas or birthday gifts anymore unless whoever I’m buying for has hinted/told me that they want one or if I truly, deep down want the receiver to have something from me; I got tired of knocking myself out trying to find the perfect present and getting a crappy dollar store gift with no thought in return. After that I decided to stop giving presents if I was doing it because “it’s the thing to do.” I only give gifts to people who I truly want to give something to, out of genuine appreciation instead of some etiquette rule and that way I don’t feel bad about it later if I don’t get something back. Maybe that’s bad etiquette and rude, but tough cookies. Giving a present is supposed to make you feel good, not entitled.

I know not evryone would agree with me but I would suggest that if you’re going to get upset over not receiving the amount of appreciation you think you deserve, then stop giving gifts unless you mean it. Save the headaches for something worth the stress.

Post # 54
Member
3322 posts
Sugar bee

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@harleyq: But not thanking people at all isn’t showing any appreciation.  And yes I do think it is ok to expect to hear a thank you for giving a gift.  Most wedding gifts are not opened at the wedding where the recipient can thank the giver in person.  They are opened at home without the giver.  If a note is not sent then very often the giver is never thanked.

Nor do I agree that people give gifts to receive thank yous.  I give a gift because I want to celebrate or share or commemmorate the occassion.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be thanked.  Your post seems to imply that givers who want to be thanked give gifts explicitly for the praise they will receive.  I cannot agree with that.

If someone sneezes in your face is it wrong to expect an excuse me?  I don’t think so.  It is what you do, to acknowledge the event.  A thank you is the same. 

Post # 55
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I wish I had the time and energy in my day to be upset about not receiving a thank you note.  Honestly, are there not more concerning things in the world?  Poverty?  Starving children?

Post # 56
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@andielovesj: I get wanting to be thanked and shown appreciation and like I said, I stopped breaking my back finding gifts for every last person I know for that very reason. It means that when I DO give gifts, it’s especially meaningful and a way to say “Thank you for being in my life and congratulations.” It also means I’m a lot less likely to think harshly of the person later if I don’t receive a thanks or a gift in return. Not that other gifts aren’t meaningful but they do come with a sense of obligation in addition to the warm fuzzies i.e. “I’m giving you this because you’re a nice person and deserve it but also because I have to.” as opposed to “I’m giving you this because you’re a nice person and I really want to give this to you.”

I just think if someone finds themselves repeatedly upset over the lack of courtesy that a written thank you note would provide, then it’s up to them to change it. Either don’t give out a gift, or as tactfully as possible, explain to the recipients that some feelings have been a little hurt over not receiving a thank you. I’m pretty sure most of the time recipients will probably feel a little embarrassed or ashamed and give thanks on the spot, solving the problem. And if they don’t…well you’ll know better for next time when Christmas or what have you comes around.

I’m not saying gift givers who expect thanks are giving gifts solely to receive a thank you. I’m saying that I don’t think expectations should come with giving a gift, other than the recipient actually receiving it. Hopefully if you’re giving someone a gift, then you probably know and like them well enough to have trust that they’re not just tossing you aside and are unappreciative of your efforts. And if you don’t think they’re that kind of person or you don’t know them too well, you shouldn’t be dropping mega bucks on them anyways if it’s going to cause hurt feelings.

It’s just my 2 cents. Obviously many others feel differently but I’m just saying…it’s a hell of a lot less stressful to not fret over it. A bit more rude in certain situations, yes, but I have other things to worry about than whether so-and-so has compensated me appropriately for a gift.

Post # 57
Member
3322 posts
Sugar bee

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@harleyq: I do think we agree about this, just with different points of view. 

I agree that if a giver is feeling upset about no TY’s then they should absolutely discontinue giving gifts to those people. But it does take a while to get to that point. 

From the time you give the gift, don’t get the thank you, decide that it does change your opinion of the recipient, and then not give gifts again in the future.  It’s a process, not an immediate reaction.  I think some of the people who have responded in this thread are at different points in the process.

And I do think not getting a card does change my opinion of the recipient.  All social interactions you have with a person changes how you feel about that person, either confirming what you know, or changing for the worse. But it too is a complex series of interactions.

 

Post # 58
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@MrsMaine: Well said!

Post # 59
Member
3448 posts
Sugar bee

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@MmeSilverBullet: I’m going to go ahead and reply to myself here because I just got a “thank you” card in the mail yesterday from a wedding we attended in September (super fast thank you!).

It came in a standard size envelope, I opened it up. It was a picture card with 3 photos of the bride and groom on it and it just said (typed) “thank you for sharing in our special day with us” then it had their monogram. That’s it. I’m like, gosh, thanks so much for spending so much time writing out those replies, I’m sure sending your order for photo cards to Walgreens took you all of 15 minutes for everyone at your wedding.

Post # 60
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

@Pinksapphire: Thank you for posting this. Guests are offended when they don’t receive a thank-you note. That is a clear-cut reason why all couples absolutely should send a note. It does not need to be on expensive stationery – but the message should be personalized and heartfelt.

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