Post # 1
I NEED your help. Darling Husband & I have been officially Mr & Mrs for 8 months and I’m finally finishing my Thank You’s. But am having a hard time writing the last one on my list. It’s to my former best friend, our wedding was the last time she and I spoke. For some background, this friend wasn’t a “fly-by-night” popped out of nowhere best friend, we were inseperable for 4 years, travelled around the world together, and worked together kind of friends. Our relationship began falling apart roughly 6-8 months before the wedding day. She flaked out of many wedding related events (including wedding dress shopping, venue hunting, helping with the DIY projects, etc). She was my “sister from another mister” and as petty/childish as it sounds, had unfriended & blocked me on Facebook before she even left the wedding.
Wedding weekend was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She was late to the rehearsal, talked crap about childhood friends at dinner, informed me as she was leaving the dinner that she was no longer staying the night with me in the rather large suite I had booked for us. On the wedding day she showed up 4 hours late, the limo company she booked on my behalf never showed, and she complained about the dress, tights, shoes, and accessories I purchased for her daughter to wear as our flower girl.
She did plan a rather awesome bachelorette party of a 5 course meal, with high-end wine pairing and went in with another bridesmaid on a rather fantastic bridal shower gift.
So now that’s way longer than I anticipated, I’m not sure what to write in her thank you card. I believe that it’s polite to send one, even if it’s months later than I probably should have. Any advice?
Post # 3
are you sad that you’re no longer friends? There aren’t a lot of details about WHY she went awol on you so I don’t really know.
I would perhaps just thank her for all she did for your wedding, mention the highlights and, if you want, you could indicate that you hope to see her/talk to her soon. (but if you have no desire to rekindle the friendship leave that part out)
Post # 4
@KMC2Be: If you are trying to mend your relationship, send her one. If not, I say don’t bother. 8 months is a LONG time after a wedding to send out thank yous, especially to someone you had a falling out with. If you want to use this as a way to reach out, go for it. Otherwise, skip it.
Post # 5
I think you need to send one. Just thank her for the positive things she did for the wedding/shower, and as PP said, say if you’d like to see her again soon, but skip that part if you’re done with the relationship.
Post # 6
@jessicadarling: 8 months isn’t THAT long for wedding thank yous, lots of people don’t get them out right away, especailly if you have a large wedding.
Post # 7
@MsGinkgo: I think proper wedding etiquette states you should get them out within 3 months of your wedding. If I had a huge falling out with a bride and 8 months later she sent me a thank you note, I’d probably think “wtf!” That’s just me, though 🙂
Post # 8
Thank you for your quick responses. I have no desire to rekindle the friendship. While I miss the girl I was friends with 2 years ago, I know she is no longer the same person. Frankly, neither am I. I realize I am months late, however we were married in November, and received gifts from roughy 200 family members/friends/coworkers. Not that I’m making excuses, but we came back from our honeymoon two days before Thanksgiving, and the holidays/birthdays/moving my mother 3 counties away and not knowig where our weddig presents actually were ate the first 2-4 months of our marriage. I believe its definitely a case of better late than never. Esp since the last 4 weddings I’ve attended or given gifts for NEVER sent thank yous, even 3 years later.
I also have a number of personalized (therefore unreturnable) gifts to give her, on top of feeling like a “proper” thank you is due for the $300 bottle of Pinot Noir she was able to get the somlier to give us as a wedding gift- it ws used in our wine box ceremony.
As for her reasoning for going awol, it was always one excuse after another. I know she wasnt particulary fond of Darling Husband, even though she helped him plan the proposal, helped pick a ring, and was caling him her brother in law within weeks of us dating.
Post # 9
@jessicadarling: I agree.. Eight months is a really, really, really long time, and I’d wonder what took so long. I had my thank you notes out to everyone within three weeks of the wedding – which overlapped with finishing my master’s degree and my husband having emergency surgery.
Post # 10
@abbie017 Clearly, you are far better at managing time than I am. Hope your husband is doig well!
Post # 11
@KMC2Be: Did you give thank you notes at the rehearsal dinner or day of the wedding to your bridesmaids for their help/support?
I can’t tell from your posts if she actually gave you a wedding gift. If not, I don’t believe you actually even owe her an additional thank you.
Post # 12
TRUST ME on this…. Take the high-road.
Write a sweet thank you for all that she did to help plan for your wedding. Mention the parties, the gifts, and her friendship.
Even if your feelings are not very sincere…do it anyway. You will feel better looking back on it that you took the high road out of this relationship. You don’t need to include anything about the future or meeting up… just a thank you. Because you DO have things to thank her for.
Suck it up and do the right thing. It’s hard when they’re still bitter feelings, but do it anyway.
Post # 13
I would just send a generic sounding thank you note and don’t mention or allude to your defunct friendship.
Post # 14
@fzesguer: this would probably be my move.
A generic thank you card and on the inside write “thank you for taking part in our special day. Well wishes, bride and groom”
…if I sent a note at all. I also have an ex best friend (8 years of basically being sisters and then she decided she couldn’t handle me being bi and didn’t want to be in my life anymore) and I wouldn’t send a Thank You card to her if I was in your situtaion
Post # 15
@KMC2Be: I don’t think anyone was attacking you personally! That’s just the “official” etiquette stance. Things definitely do happen, and I agree, better late than never.. In MOST circumstances. I just think that if I was your ex-friend and receiving a generic thank you 8 months after the fact, I was would be wondering where the hell it was coming from and WHY? You said yourself you’ve been to weddings and NEVER received a thank you note, so I just think sending her one now would a) be seen as reaching out to rekindle your friendship or b) be stirring shit up. But maybe it will simply go ignored and you will never hear from her again. If you will feel better sending a note, do it! And definitely send them out to other guests who you’re still on good terms with. I just think if my best friend decided to stop being my friend AT my wedding, that person would be written out of my life for good, and I would not waste the time or paper sending them any wishes.
Post # 16
@SapphireSun- You’re correct, there was no gift recieved at the wedding, just a beautiful card with a lovely sentiment. My maid of honor, who suprisingly didn’t kill her, gave her the “thank you bag”, complete with a personalized hanger, a short note, and a couple of other goodies, but because she was so late, I didn’t bring everything else that I had for her to the venue (I told her over the phone when I hadn’t heard from her all day to not show up – this was approximately an hour before show time).
@jessicadarling– No worries, I defintely do not feel I was attacked. I agree, I should have sent them out earlier. To be honest, aside from life getting in the way, I had to go through a period of not thinking about my wedding, or anyone else’s wedding, before I could see how wonderful it was.
Unfortunately, I still see this person at least once a month, we work for the same company and it’s inevitable that we run into each other in the elevator, parking garage, or cafeteria. I appreciate all of your feedback. I knew the bee’s would know what to say & the best ways to handle the situation!