(Closed) Thank you for coming notes – a sweet gesture or a tacky hint?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Are 'thank you for coming notes' a good idea
    Yes, you're so sweet. : (40 votes)
    78 %
    No, you're a greedy wench. Stop making me feel awkward! : (8 votes)
    16 %
    Other, please explain : (3 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    That might make me feel awkward if I didn’t get you a gift.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3461 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Maybe just send them off at the holidays?  That’s what friends of mine did and I thought that quite lovely.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1036 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I don’t think that I would feel like you were fishing for a gift, but I might feel badly for not getting you one.  I think throwing the party is thank you enough for those that didn’t bring gifts.

    Post # 6
    Member
    377 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I hadn’t thought of it before, but after reading it I agree with her. Maybe you could pass on the pictures in person if you think the guests in question would like some.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2701 posts
    Sugar bee

    @angeebride: I wouldn’t waste the postage if they couldn’t bother to acknowledge your celebration. Your thank cards are lovely though and the pictures are gorgeous. You are much nicer than I am, as they wouldn’t get anything at all.

    Post # 8
    Member
    588 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I think it’s a very nice gesture. Most people will appreciate it for what it is and not read much deeper into it. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    3978 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I think it’s all in how you word it. I didn’t send notes to everyone who came and didn’t give a gift (because we didn’t take roll, so I’m not 100% sure who came if I don’t have a pic of them :)) but there are some people who I definitely did. People who I know had special circumstances–a really poor student who I begged to come no strings attached, a friend who gave an amazing shower gift but not a separate wedding gift, a family friend who sent a gift ahead of time and I’d already sent a non-photo card, a couple who weren’t sure until the last minute that they’d be able to come because of some family stuff, etc.

    Just word it with something like this, “We’re so glad you made it to the wedding. It was such a fun day, and it made it really special to be surrounded by all our friends and family. Your kindness and support mean so much to us. I’m glad you got to catch up with Sarah. Hope you’re doing well, see you at church!”

    It irritates the crap out of me that people feel thank you notes are some sort of gift bookend that would surely fall apart if it has nothing to hold it up! These people are your friends! Your family! If you have nothing at all in the world to thank them for you probably shouldn’t have invited them to your wedding.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3314 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I sent thank you’s to everyone that came regardless of whether they gave a gift or not.  Like you, I was truly happy they had been a part of our celebration and wanted to let them know that!

    @kala way: Totally agree!

    Post # 11
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee

    I think it’s nice! As long as you are genuinely glad they were there, then I see no problem with it.

     

    Also, your Thank You cards are gorgeous!

    Post # 12
    Member
    4419 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I’m in the process of writing all our thank you notes. I’m sending them to everyone who came regardless of whether they brought a gift or not. I figure I didn’t invite them for the gift. I invited them because I wanted them to be there and if they were there because I asked them to be there, then I’m going to thank them for coming to celebrate with us. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    7403 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I never saw thank you cards as fishing for a gift. Screw Miss Manners in this instance. That is a gorgeous card, you guys are a striking couple.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1830 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I think it depends on how you word it and how you think your guests will take it.   I wrote thank you notes to our guests who attended but didn’t give a gift but I don’t think it comes across at all as fishing for a gift.   Our wedding was about 6 hours away from my hometown and nearly everyone who attended our wedding had to travel to get there.  The tone of my thank you note was thanking them for coming all that way to be a part of our special day and talked about how much it meant to Darling Husband and I to have them there.  If people read into that as fishing for a gift, so be it, but that was not my intent and I wanted my guests to know how much we appreciated them travelling that distance to be there for us. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    3978 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @angeebride:I totally know how you feel about being a bit overwhelmed with all the feelings. I think it helped me that I was forced to wait more than 2 months before writing my thank yous. I just try to think about the person and, given my feelings, what I would like to hear in their place. Write out a few on a separate paper first so you can get the feel of it. They get easier the more you do. By the last one I was getting them done pretty quickly.

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