(Closed) thank you note dilemma

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

“After thoughtful consideration, we’ve decided to return your check.”  🙂 A la this bride: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/an-etiquette-question-the-ungrateful-bride

Okay, maybe not.  This woman’s behavior sounds pretty crazy.  Can you thiank her for the cash, which you will put to use in “x” manner and then thank her for her obvious interest in your wedding and her kind wishes for a happy marriage?

Post # 4
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Wow!  That is bold of her…  I don’t know you could possibly say that wouldn’t be a white lie.  You coulds say, “It was really a surprise to see you at the wedding.  Our cash is going toward X” and leave it at that.  Grr…  I wish you could get away with saying something like that…

Post # 5
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Maybe you could say something like ‘it was sweet of you to think of me’ or ‘your gift was thoughtful and unexpected’… something passive that doesn’t make you feel like you are lying, but doesn’t mention that you were pleased to see her or that you were glad she was there. don’t say anything about her coming, i think focusing on the gift is your best bet.

Post # 6
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, that is really bizzare behavior. I don’t really know what I would do in your situation. In all honesty, I might not thank her at all… I know it’s rude but she was rude to show up uninvited with two extra guests. That’s just crazy.

Post # 7
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Very Strange, but I would still send a thank you note without your return address on it(just in case). Maybe that will stop the madness.

Post # 8
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

She didn’t do this out of malice though,right? She just wanted to share in this joyous occasion.  Apparently, you made a bigger impression on their life than they did on you. Even though she wasn’t invited, she still wanted to see you and give you a small gift.  I say try to keep in the comments generic.  I like Jesssr’s ideas.  Keep it simple but polite, chances are you aren’t going to see her ever again.

Post # 9
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Millenium Biltmore Hotel

I like jesssr’s suggestions. It’s a sticky situation, but somehow she must’ve been coming from a good place? I would send a short, sweet note and be done with it. Although I can understand being peeved that she and her family just showed up! Strange.

Post # 10
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am leaning in the same direction as Charm Bracelet & Mrs. Glitter in that you’ve probably made a larger impression in her (or her daughter’s) life than you realized.  She may have saw you as a perfect role model for her daughter’s and then wanted to use your marriage to emphasize that.  For example:  LatteLove trusted God to find the perfect match for her, she waited for him…etc.  I taught a group of girls in sunday school for 4 years and now 2 years later I was in a similar situation where a family wanted to be included in our wedding plans b/c they saw me as someone their daughter looked up to, even though it was from afar these days.  Thankfully they didn’t show up, but I wonder if this lady might be coming from a similar place.  I hope so anyway!

I also agree with Jesser’s suggestion to just focus on the gift and how you’ll use it. And I also agree with not using your new return address, perhaps use your parents’s address since she already knows their address 🙂

Post # 11
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree.  Jessr had some good suggestions.  As much as you are unhappy she came, you probably won’t ever see her again, and there’s no point in making a big deal out of it now.  Just thank her for her generous gift, and tell her how you will use the money.

Post # 12
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

How about: what an interesting surprise to see you at my wedding thanks for the check… blah blah blah

Post # 13
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Whoa. I like the passive agressive approach of “what a surprise” but that may make things awkward for your parents since they all church it up together. Plus, it’s not like she showed up empty handed…i mean, she did bring you $20. What about this:

“thank you so much for the wedding gift, I know we will definitely utilize it as we are remodeling our kitchen soon (or our new house, whatever!) and appreciate your unexpected thoughtfulness”

Mr and Mrs Latte

I know it’s a sucky and basic cop out thank you, but that’s how I wrote for some of the people whom I had no idea who they were. Or some of the stranger gifts…

Darling Husband said “if you don’t put a lot of thought into the gift, you don’t get a thoughtful thank you card” HA! I do write nicely when I have something lovely to say.

Post # 14
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Yikes, this person’s behavior is borderline creepy, in my  honest opinion. As others have said, you obviously made a great impression on her, but that is far from an excuse to crash your wedding after you point-blank told her no via e-mail, even if it was just the ceremony.

I would phrase the thank you as, “Thank you very much for your gift. It certainly was unexpected and I wish you and your family much happiness in the future.”

Seriously, that’s all I would say. Yes, it has some passive undertones to it, but it’s the only honest thing I can come up with. Her behavior was beyond rude.

Post # 15
32 posts

Well if your wedding ceremony was in a church or other public setting, then technically she was completely okay for showing up. Now if she tried to stay for the cocktail hour or reception, that would be a huge no-no! A co-worker of mine got married in June, but although none of us were invited to the wedding, a bunch of us went to the church ceremony to wish her well!

I would keep the Thank You very basic, and don’t even hint at a new home or anything, because then she may try to find out where your new home is and show up unexpected!

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