(Closed) Thank you to people in THE WEDDING PARTY That did not give a gift?!!?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

http://www.emilypost.com/attendants

According to this site, Bridal Party members DO give wedding gifts (individual or group).

I wouldn’t send a thank you either, especially if you gave them a’ thank you for being in the wedding gift’ at the rehearsal dinner.

Post # 48
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Folks, the OP was mearly asking what we thought because she had attended a wedding as part of the bridal party and did not give a gift, but did not receive a thank you card.

Lets leave our judgement aside – I dont think she was saying that she was EXPECTING a gift on top of everything else.

Definitely a thank you. I took my whole wedding party out for dinner a couple of weeks after the wedding, to say thank you. And I made a point of NOT talking about the wedding all night because thats all we had talked about for months!

Post # 49
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

“Thank you for gifting us, with your presence”

Make sure you put that comma in there! (if you’re brave)

Post # 50
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Sheepshead:  THE OP Paid for everything for them to be IN the wedding..

Post # 51
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have been in 10 weddings and have never NOT given a wedding gift as well- no matter how much was spent on dress, travel, parties, etc.. Every wedding I’ve been in we (bridal party) received a gift and thank you at the rehearsal. I would not expect a thank you after the wedding if I did not give a gift- I completely disagree with posters on this. It is rude to not bring a gift, or the very least a card, to a wedding.

Especially since the OP paid for everything for them to be in the wedding- so the wedding was not a financial hardship on them.

Post # 52
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@celticbride:  I agree.

For our wedding, after every event (bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc.) I sent them a thank you card. I verbally thanked them. I took them out to lunch and/or dinner to thank them. I sent them flowers after the shower. 

Even though they are in your bridal party, they were still sent a wedding invitation, They still replied if they were coming or not. They are a guest to the wedding as well. They should bring a gift. I just was asked to be a bridesmaid. Of course I will bring a gift, in addition to paying for a dress, shoes, hair, makeup, shower, bachelorette party, etc. It just goes hand in hand.

With that being said, Darling Husband has TWO groomsmen (one of which is the best man), who are in their LATE 30’s, have excellent jobs, and who both told him…”Oh sorry man I forgot the card at home, I’ll mail it to you” Guess what it’s been almost 2 months and haven’t received anything. It’s not about the money, it’s doing what’s right.

Post # 53
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would say that I would atleast expect a card from them saying congrats, but a gift isn’t needed. They have spent so much already on you, but I have a feeling my girls will do something anyway. You should give them a thank you card for sure though, even if they didn’t give you a physical or extra money gift.

Edit: Just saw that you said you paid for everything for them. Then yes, I would be upset if they didn’t get me something. Atleast something sentimental!

Post # 54
Member
2334 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yes, still send the thank you card.

It kills me to admit this…but when I was 20, I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a then-friend’s wedding.  I spent a lot to fly out to the wedding, get a rental car, take off of work, and buy dress and shoes- this was a small fortune to college-me.  I didn’t get her a gift afterwards and I honestly couldn’t afford it.  As terrible of manners as that was on my part, you don’t know the financial situation of your Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Don’t expect gifts- just be gracious enough to thank them for their presence.

Post # 55
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

 

@sarajk21:  

Should they have sent me a thank you note for my providing them with an expensive meal and an open bar? Because I didn’t have to do that, you know. It’s been 9 months, but I’m still waiting on those thank you notes…

Actually, yes: any time one is entertained to dinner or to some other substantial entertainment such as a theatre party, one should send a bread-and-butter note to one’s hostess on the following day. Don’t hold your breath waiting for them: many, maybe most folk nowadays, don’t know that bread-and-butter notes are one of the true markers of a lady or a gentleman: a much finer marker than something so commercial as gift-giving. Have you sent your bread-and-butter notes for any dinners that you have attended recently? If so, I applaud you. If not well … let those who are without sin fling the first stone, whether on the subject of gifts of of bread-and-butter notes

@ItWasntMe:  The Post Institute is the only etiquette source I have found that persists in saying gifts are mandatory regardless of the guests’ circumstances; in complete contradiction to the definition of “gift” (something given voluntarily without payment in return) and to the advise of the original (and admirable) Mrs Post; and with complete disregard for the utterly predictable nasty repurcussions of such a ruling. Guests who have been indoctrinated by this incorrect ruling now look at each lovely invitation they receive and ask themselves “is this just a gift-grab, or do they really want me there?” It is a piece of bad advice that should be stamped out, so that guests can instead enjoy the unsullied warm gratitude for being wanted, that then overflows in appreciative generosity and makes them want to give a gift.

Because while it is true that every guest who attends a wedding should give a gift, those two things are separate and not linked cause-and-effect. Rather they are linked by common cause: the hostess should be inviting ONLY people who love the bride and groom, and people who truly love the bride and groom will inevitably want to give them something to cherish throughout thier married life. Something substantive: like, for example, time and attention and commitment and good memories. Or, like a soup tureen, which depending on one gets paid for the work one does in the off hours when not busy acting as bridesmaid, might be worth as little as a couple of hours work.

@BellaDee:  I do not believe that the original poster did pay for everything. She asked “should I still send them a thank you for being in the wedding and paying the expense of the tux, dress, hair, shoes, makeup?!” Why would she explicitly mention sending a thank-you for paying the expenses, if they hadn’t payed them? She, the original poster, has already given a quick reply agreeing with the advice to send thank-yous.

Post # 56
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@AshaP:  Perhaps you didn’t fully comprehend what I wrote, so I’ll try to break it down more simply for you, since your response about my needing to “broaden my horizons” made no sense in relation to my post. The point I made (that you weren’t able to understand for whatever reason), was that guests or bridal party members who CHOOSE to participate in your wedding, should be well aware that there is an inherent cost to doing so. Whether that cost is attire, travel, etc. a wedding attendee knows how much he or she can anticipant spending. And, if they choose to attend, they know full well how much said wedding will cost and should also budget in an amount for a gift. And to those who are making assumptions about how much money was spend on dress, shoes, hair, etc—who are you to make that sweeping generalization? For all you know, my husband and I paid for all of the expenses incurred by our bridal party, which makes that fact that a gift or even a card was not received all the more insulting. Note that I’m not specifying x dollar amount has to be spent on a gift, so you can stop acting like I’m gift hungry. The point is, it’s in extremely poor taste to not give the newlyweds something. Period.

Perhaps this will help you understand my point—would you go to a restaurant, knowing that you’ll be spending money on a meal, and then not tip the server who waited on you? Because, hey, that server should be happy that you even chose to patronize their place of work!  

And maybe you’re right, maybe we do define “classy” differently, since I cannot fathom how anyone could attend any event where it’s common, proper etiquette to provide some sort of token or gift, and simply dismiss that. I was raised to be a gracious person who follows social norms, so I suppose that’s why I can’t imagine ever attending an event where it’s common, proper etiquette to provide a gift, and simply not provide one.

And p.s. @paula1248 your Guinness Book of World Records comment made no sense whatsoever.

Post # 57
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Emily post is rolling in her grave.  Dear lord.

 

Everyone who attends your wedding – including your vendors – should recieve a thank you card.  REGARDLESS of if a gift is given.

Post # 58
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@aspasia475:  yes, actually, I do send thank you notes to the host or hostess of events that I am invited to, including dinners or if I’m an overnight guest in their home. I send a thank you note for lots of things that traditionally don’t warrant them in order to show my gratitude for their thoughtfulness. I’m also considerate enough to bring a small gift (a bottle of nice wine, flowers, etc) because I was raised with manners and to show people appreciation for their gestures.

Post # 59
Member
2334 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@sarajk21:  Dude, chill.  Aspasia is the classiest lady on WB, she’s not attacking you.  Nor is anyone else, from what I’ve read.

Post # 60
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think since your wedding party is paying for their attire and probably helped pay for a shower/bachelorette it is reasonable if they don’t get you anything. For us, we had 5 in our bridal party and I think 3 gifted us something. For those that did we sent thank yous. For those that didn’t we did not send thank yous, BUT, at the rehearsal dinner they each got a thank you gift and a thank you letter from us for parcipating. So I guess we kinda did thank them, but just in advance. I felt like a thank you note after the fact would’ve been overkill.

Post # 61
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I don’t mean to be a bitch here but I think it’s a little nuts to expect gifts from wedding party members. The last wedding I was in, I gave gifts at two showers, co-hosted the bachelorette party (not cheap), bought the dress, and the shoes, and paid to have my hair done, AND DID EVERYONE’S MAKEUP, AND took two days off of work for the festivities. Like, I’m sorry but the customary $50-$100 on top of that was not happening. Sorry.

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