(Closed) Thank you to people in THE WEDDING PARTY That did not give a gift?!!?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 77
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m a little biased because I was Maid/Matron of Honor for my best friend and did not give a gift. *GASP* But to be fair instead of a 17 month engagement that was planned, they had a two month engagement and we all spent over $300 on the dress, makeup, shoes, jewelry, all of which she was very specific about-same dress, same hair, same bracelet and earrings, same shoes- and bachelorette weekend (she didn’t want to pay for food, hotel, etc for HERSELF so I ended up paying for most of it), etc. It was a short amount of time and all of us are on a budget. And she gave me shit for not getting her a gift. Even though she didn’t get us any Bridesmaid or Best Man gifts either!

I say spending money on being in the wedding party more than qualifies as a gift to the bride and groom. Also, I will be requesting that my wedding party not give me gifts as well even though I’ll be asking a lot less of my BMs than my friend did. Gifts are NOT mandatory at a wedding, or any other event really, but they should be deeply appreciated in any form they take.

Post # 78
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012


View original reply
@sarajk21:  I was going to comment back, but I see many others have already pointed out the faulty logic you used comparing an impersonal restaurant transaction with a personal wedding celebration. That said, I stand by my wish that you get the chance to broaden your horizons and cultivate relationships not contingent on gifts- the fact that you did seem to be able to relate an impersonal business transaction to a personal relationship suggests that it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. You might enjoy it (I’m not being mean, I’m being serious-wouldn’t it be nice to know someone was around you because they wanted to, not because they want a gift? You don’t make it sound like you’ve experienced that much in your life).

But I do agree- as others have noted, what you seem to find classy- expecting gifts- and what others find to be classy- appreciating people that support you- are different. And if you truly believe your attitude towards others shows you’ve been raised to be a gracious person, well then…I guess Webster’s and I will stand all alone in our own little corner, while you count your hoard of gifts in the other. We’ll both be happy.

That said, I do think people can sign up to be in a wedding for someone, but not know the level of effort that will entail. While I did give a gift when I was a bridesmaid recently (technically a joint gift with the guy), the bride was very lowkey with minor demands. Now, had she required me to attend a bunch of stuff (I was 4 states away), buy a pricey dress, ordered us to have a certain hairstyle, etc I might not have gotten her anything in all honesty-I do feel if it costs me a significant amount of money ($300-500+) to be in a wedding, you’re not getting anything more than a nice picture frame of card. 

Post # 79
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Is anyone else super thankful that you don’t know some of these bees in real life?????

Christ on a crutch!!!

Post # 80
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

We did our thank-yous to them prior to finding out if we’d gotten a gift, so I guess we avoided this altogether (because we did have members not get us anything). It was more of a “thanks for being friends!” and mushy kind of stuff and being involved in the wedding process (regardless of how involved they were specifically.) I feel like it’s just the right thing to do. I sent separate thank-yous for their gifts if they got us one.

Post # 82
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I kind of have to agree with some of the previous posts that said this was rude.  I understand that being part of the bridal party can be burdensome but it should be understood that it will cost them money.  I made sure that every single one of my BMs knew the financial situation they were getting themselves into before they all agreed.

That being said, even if they were financially hurting, I would think that they could have at least given you a card with some kind words.  That would’ve been enough gift for me and in that case, they would’ve deserved a Thank You card.

ETA: If you’ve already thanked them with a gift and/or card at the rehearsal dinner or any time before the wedding, then I definitely don’t think you need to send them another Thank You card for essentially the same thing.  Just my 2 cents..

Post # 83
1692 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@BooRadley:  You are very kind Laughing. Thank-you! I don’t think sarajk21 was attacking me either, however. It really is nice to hear of ladies who do know to write bread-and-butter notes; and for all that hostess gifts are not required, they are a sweet gesture and there is certainly nothing wrong with sending them. So for those things, I really do applaud you, sarajk21.

Post # 84
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

They should’ve given you a card at least. If the wedding was such a financial burden that they couldn’t afford a gift, in my opinion they are clsoe enough to you that they should’ve said something and still given you a card.

You should’ve already thanked them for their involvement though. Did you have a rehearsal and dinner and present them with kind words of thanks (in person and perhaps in a card) and attendant gifts? if so, you’ve one your thanking.

Post # 85
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think that maybe we all have such varied opinions on this depending on where we live. Every wedding I’ve participated in, gifts and thank yous were given to the bridal party at the rehearsal dinner. So therefore, it would be redundant to thank someone again unless a gift is given. And on that note, the bridal party always still gives a gift. Yes, it can be expensive trust me, especially because almost everyone gives cash at weddings and not gifts- so you tend to give a lot more than you’d spend if you were giving a gift.

Every person in our wedding party gave a gift and honestly it would have been very strange if they hadn’t because it is just what is done here. It sounds like that is not the case everywhere and that’s fine- but I would not send a thank you for attending my wedding anymore than I’d send a thank you for simply attending a dinner party at my house. I also would never expect a thank you for attending someone’s wedding if I hadn’t given a gift..but I would never show up empty handed to someone’s wedding.

Post # 86
3669 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

When I read threads like this I am reminded of those people who measure “love” by gifts. Those people–I need to cull them from my life.

When you are as old as I am and have received as much needless “stuff” in obligatory gift giving as I have, perhaps that will convert some of you who value gifts as love.

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