(Closed) "Thanks for letting me go do ______"

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

i haven’t read all the responses but i just want to point out… i have seen men use their girlfriends/wives as an excuse to not go out and do something. so the wife always looks like a bad guy (“so and so wouldn’t let so and so out of the house for boys night”) when often the guy just didn’t want to go! it’s easier for men to pin it on their significant others than own up to the fact that they’re rather be at home. these men might not be such victims after all, is all i’m saying 😉  i’ve seen it play out maaaaaaaaany times.

to answer the OP, we always run things by eachother. “is that ok?” is mostly a rhetorical question because i can’t imagine him ever telling me i can’t. he runs things by me because i manage our social calendar and he has a HORRIBLE memory. he would be double booking everything if he didn’t ask me if certain dates work for certain things.

Post # 62
Member
2514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

urchin:  We aren’t married yet, but we live together.  We just run ideas by each other.  We share an online calendar, so we can both update from our phones (it really helps since I work a non-traditional schedule.)  

We did have a bit of a tiff over his bachelor party.  He’s having 2, one here, one at home.  But in talking about buying a house he decided it was too expensive to fly home for a weekend (flights are generally around 1k.)  It IS a lot for a weekend, I admit.  But that’s his home, those are his friends (many of whom have brand new babies or pregnant wives – they will not be able to fly here for the wedding.)  He’s one of the last to get married and he’s done Bachelor parties for all his buddies.  I wanted to make sure he got to have that experience.  (He is going.  Bottom line 1k will not make or break a house purchase, and he got a seat sale for 800.) 

That’s the only time its ever been any kind of discussion between us about the other going out to do something alone.  Uusally its a text or a comment at home. 

Post # 63
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

We run thigs by each other/ check in with the other person as opposed to asking for permisison. We share a car, so I don’t want to plan something with the car if he needed it for something and vice versa. Usually though, its a “Hey, girls night on Thursday, is that ok?” and he will say yeah sure, but he needs the car for xyz, so then we arrange the plans to where he drops me off and picks me back up….or whatever the case may be.

Plus, we like to check in with each other regardless to make sure we didn’t already have plans for the night or other obligations.

Post # 64
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

We don’t ask each other’s permission unless the event in question would put an undue hardship on the other person.

For example, my husband may say that he has a friend who wants to come for a visit and would spend a couple nights at our place.  The implication here is what’re my thoughts? Is that ok with me? He doesn’t outright ask for my permission.  It’s more about communication and respect. 

Another example, my husband loves to play tennis.  Now that I’m pregnant, I’m not comfortable playing with him because I’m afraid of getting too hot, falling, etc.  So he’s found new friends to play with.  He’ll often say something like, “I’m going to play tennis after work on Friday.”  To which I say, “Okay.  Have fun!” He doesn’t need to ask my permission.  He’s his own person.  I’m not his mother.  I’m sure if we had some other obligation, I’d remind him of his commitment and then he wouldn’t play that day.

So I’m definitely with you on this one.  If my husband said anything about “letting him play” I would respond in the same way you did.  I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that works any other way.

Post # 65
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

mu_t:  This is a really good point.  My husband has told me before that he’s used me as an excuse to get out of stuff he didn’t want to do.  However, he doesn’t make it seem like I wouldn’t let him do it.  I think that’s giving people a bad impression of your relationship.  Instead, he makes it sound like he had already made a previous commitment involving me.  Sometimes I’ve even offered to invent an obligation for him to use when I know he really doesn’t want to do something.  But to say, “my wife wouldn’t let me go out Saturday…” that just seems wrong to me.

Post # 66
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Christy42213:  oh i agree 100% and i would be furious if my husband did that… i think it’s really awful to paint your significant other in that light, especially to your friends. but i have definitely seen guys do it, unfortunately!

Post # 67
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

urchin:  My husband and I are very open and so far seem to have no weird stuff between us. The only time I’ve “asked permission” is when I started communicating with my guy besties after we started dating. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable with them.

Post # 68
Hostess
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Neither of us really have to ask permission, but we do make sure the other doesn’t have something planned.. or that we have the funds to do so.

 

Post # 69
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

I guess he does usually kind of ask me if it’s ok for him to go places. It’s not so much that he’s asking my “permission” to do something, it’s more that I keep track of things and he’s asking in a “we don’t have anything else planned, do we?” kind of way. Lol, he never knows what we’re doing.  

Post # 70
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

the whole concept of “asking permission” really irks me – why would I have to ask my equal to go do something?  neither one of us “lets” each other do stuff.  we’ll check in from time to time, but I’m always careful to phrase it so it doesn’t sound like I need his OK, and neither does he.  I couldn’t imagine him thanking me for letting him do something, either.  but to each theirs.

Post # 71
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

urchin:  

Sometimes wives get angry with their husbands when they want to go out because the hubbies do very little at home. Wives do most of the housework and childrearing. I can see how a wife would get upset if her husband did precious little and then wanted to go out with his buddies all the time. 

I do not ask permission to do anything and neither does my husband. If I want to go out and my husband would like me to stay home, he will simply say so and communicate why he would like me to stay with him. My husband rarely goes out with his friends as their wives hardly “let” them go out. 

Post # 72
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

My husband is kind of forgetful so when he “asks,” he really means do we have plans he may have forgotten about lol but now that I’m in my third trimester, he asks only to see if id be ok being alone for a few hours.  I’m usually fine with that, as long as he brings home pizza 🙂

Post # 73
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

urchin:  The only time either of us asks permission as such is if we are going to do something where we will not be home until very late or until the next day. I always ask if I can have a night out in the city with my girlfriends because I usually will not get home until very very early hours of the morning. He does the same and I really like that we ask each other first.

Post # 74
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

urchin:  if its last min. i guess we do ask each other. if its been planned a week in advance, then its im gunna do this. for example. the other day (hes been out of town) we were like “oh cant wait to see you tonight” gunna get a movie and snuggle finally. well he had a few beers at the boat and he wanted to stay with his friends instead. he told me an hour. then another hour. then i went to pick him up and he wanted to stay still… he could have called me instead of let me drive down but oh well. i said he can stay. because we did have plans and i was looking forward to it and i made dinner. but thats what i call ” letting” him. he actually said it the next day.. when he came home. thank you for letting me stay out with the guys sweetie. so i think it doesn always apply and depends on the situation. 

Post # 75
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

We say “Do you mind staying home with <our son> while I go do this?” usually it doesnt matter.

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