Post # 1
My SO and I have been dating for over two years and living together for 1 year. My parents do not like my boyfriend. They have met him and he has been to some family events before.
My Mother is emotionally abusive and my dad is her enabler. Since my Mom is the queen of the family most everything goes through her. My Parents (my mom) is hosting Thanksgiving with my Dads side of the family this year.
I wondering how to go about asking/telling them (my mom) that my SO and I will both be coming to Thanksgiving.
I also don’t want to go alone because of my mother and the rest of my JUSTNO family.
I have the same problem for Christmas with that. Also, my family gets really angry when my SO and I do things with each other or his family for holidays. “Holidays is the time for family!”
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Post # 2
Don’t go at all. It’s unfair to put your SO in the situation of being an uninvited/unwanted guest. I doubt it will make the situation better for you to bring him you will just be ruining the holidays for both of you.
If my husband wasn’t welcome at my family’s for holidays I would not be doing holidays with them.
Post # 3
I would not spend any holiday with someone who is emotionally abusive. My Brother-In-Law is an abusive alcoholic and we refuse to attend events where he will be. Go spend the holidays with people who treat you right.
Post # 4
pumpkinwaffle : my advice is to start separating yourself from them. You hold a lot of resentment towards your mom (calling her the queen of the family) which I don’t fault you for because she’s emotionally abusive.
The resentment seeps out of this post though, don’t let it poison your life.
Skip the holidays with your parents and work on separating yourself from them and the “queen”
Post # 5
It’s also not fair to bring him as a protection against your abusive family. It should be the opposite, you should be protecting him from the abuse, not using him as a shield
Post # 6
What does your SO say about all of this? If I were in his place, I’d feel like “I don’t want to waste my holidays with your asshole mom.” How does he feel about the idea of going to your family events? And you not wanting to deal with your family alone is not a fair reason for him to have a shitty holiday. Why not both of you go to his family instead?
Another question I have is, what types of things does your mom do as the “Queen” of the family? In some ways, I’m the “queen” of my family, too, but that means different things to different people. The Queen generally sets the tone and should be the one taking the lead in showing people a good time and behaving in a welcoming and gracious way. If your mom isn’t doing that and is, instead, being abusive, then she isn’t the queen, she’s the family Grinch and a bully.
My stance is always that you are responsible for making sure your SO is comfortable and treated well by your family. Your tone doesn’t sound like you feel confident in your ability to do that. In fact, it almost sounds like you want him to go with you to protect you from your family. That isn’t his job. He is your guest and if your family can’t or won’t be respectful to him, then the two of you need to look at other options like skipping or you going on your own for a short while and then leaving or both of you going to be with his family.
Post # 7
pumpkinwaffle : Don’t go, I understand wanting to bring your SO because duh, he’s your SO and you want to share the holidays with him, but it sounds like a terribly awkward situation. I don’t see howeither of you will enjoy yourselves?
I’d just go to your SO’s family for Thanksgiving, your mother may not like it but she’s being selfish by refusing to accept your boyfriend (unless he’s done something unforgivable to her/you) and also gets mad at you for wanting to spend time with his family.
Don’t let her control you.
Post # 8
Go have a wonderful time with your SO’s parents at thanksgiving. Your mom sounds terrible, and honestly, forcing your bf into that situation is really shitty too.
Post # 9
Well I definitely wouldn’t do this, for all the reasons PPs have mentioned.
Also, why would you and your SO spend BOTH holidays with your family anyway? Even if you got along with your family and they didn’t hate your SO, that doesn’t seem right. His family should get at least one holiday.
ETA: Also, since your mother is hosting at her house, you can’t just tell her you’re inviting your bf. She’s the host. It’s her house. No matter how horrible she is, you can’t force her to let your bf attend. You could tell her you won’t attend without him, but that’s about it. And, as mentioned above, I would just skip out on this altogether anyway.
Post # 10
Your mother is hosting so you only get to “tell her” who you’re bringing along, it just doesn’t work like that.
Also if your family hate your boyfriend why would you even put him through that by dragging him along?
Post # 11
pumpkinwaffle : Please please please come up with a different plan for the holidays 🙂 We have holidays to create happy memories with loved ones and friends, not to put ourselves through the ringer.
If his family is not an option or they are not hosting, go travel somewhere or camp or something or find a church family to adopt you for Thanksgiving or host Friendsgiving but for the love of all that this sane, do something better for your mental health and save your holidays!!!!
Post # 12
rockclimberbride : we were thinking of hosting a Friendsgiving but we just threw a Halloween Party and that ate up a chunk of resources.
Thabks to everyone one that commented!
i didn’t mention this in my original post- my mom is emotionally abusive but very covert about this. She will try to get me alone or cornered or glare and mouth words when she thinks no one will notice. She has a mask of a perfect hostess that she doesn’t let slip.
She very superficial and polite when there is a social event but will busy herself other people and tasks. My dad is very polite and will talk to him a little bit and ask questions my brother doesn’t talk to me and as far as I know I don’t think he and SO have talked either.
llevinso : we actually do two of his three Christmas’s ( his parents are divorced) and as far as I’m aware, his family doesn’t do thanksgiving. We also don’t know that plan yet for his family but he would probably just come to one of my two christmases.
TwilightRarity : my so isnt terribly excited but that’s the way he feels about his own family events as well. He did bring up going to both Holidays by himself earlier in October however.
futuremrs2020 : Not going is always an option. I’ve never not gone to a holiday event. I’m a bit worried about the fallout. I’ve missed mother’s day before and I got a bit of flack about that.
Thanks again for all the advice! I have a lot to think about and a couple of weeks before the actually event to decide.
Post # 13
Is he invited?
Under most circumstances, a social unit is invited together, but sometimes family dynamics and traditions are at play where that isn’t always true (though ought to be as it would be rude to exclude the partner).
Because if I were him, I would not want to go where I was not invited nor welcome. You are an adult presumably no longer living in their home, so presuming he is welcome and forcing his presence is rude to them and him. So it isn’t a matter of “how do I tell them he is coming?” When the subject Thanksgiving comes up, if they fail to mention him, I suppose you could say ” Is boyfriend invited?” Or “I assume boyfriend is invited (now that we live together)?” And if he isn’t, then at that point you can decline in favor of spending the holiday with your boyfriend.
Post # 14
If you host a potluck freinds giving it won’t cost v much.
Why would you want to spend time with people who abuse you and don’t even speak to you? Please start separating yourself from them (I cut out my dad when I was 15 -15 years ago- and I have never regretted it)
Post # 15
Honestly? I’d not go at all. Either do holidays with his family or with friends. If they can’t respect your relationship, you shouldn’t feel pressured to strain your relationship to try to make it work.