Thanksgiving Family Drama

posted 1 year ago in The Lounge
Post # 31
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I would ask SIL if she can drive back home or if you could ride with her and stay at her house.  I live an hour from my parents and I never stay there after holiday dinners.  We always drive back home.  An hour is nothing.   And I have two children.  I never stayed when they were little and I don’t stay now that they are older.  They never slept as well in a different bed, so it was easier to take them home.   

I’m not understanding the backlash you are getting OP either.  Yes, it’s an unexpected tragedy and no one is thinking clearing, but I don’t see the problem with her driving back home.  

Post # 32
Member
9202 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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PaperQueen :  “I’m not understanding the backlash…. I don’t see the problem with her driving back home.” — I would imagine that maybe the sil is going to be actually helpful during this extremely difficult time, and not an entitled drama llama like OP, who is all pissy because the LITERAL DEATH of this family’s loved one is impacting her right to be chauferred around town for free.

Post # 33
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

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Daisy_Mae :  Or she’ll be busy taking care of a 2 year old.

Post # 34
Member
9202 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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PaperQueen :  And still more useful (and comforting) than OP. 

ETA: I should say, more useful and comforting than OP and her husband, who has the gall to complain that he’s “getting the short stick” while his grandfather is at this very moment faced with pulling life support from his comatose wife. Let that sink in. His grandpa is watching his wife die, and OP’s husband feels he has the short stick because they might have to rent a car. 

Post # 35
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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ohsomrsr15 :  just rent a car 🙂 It’s part of adulting travel (unfortunately)

Post # 36
Member
38 posts
Newbee

You didn’t think of hiring a car? Or you don’t want to spend money and are here whining instead.

Post # 37
Member
5264 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Wow your husband is being totally irrational. His mom just lost her mother, frankly you having to pay for a hotel is just the least of her worries. Have a bit of compassion. 
They also don’t owe it to you to run anything by you and if I was in their place I wouldn’t want to deal with an air mattress in the living room either!

Post # 38
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969 - Montsalvat, Victoria

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ohsomrsr15 :  This is such a tough situation. I think it might be a good idea to communicate with your in laws about the possibility of you using the air mattress in the living room before calling off the whole trip? During difficult times it’s always good to be on hand and available within the family unit. I understand where your coming from but I think your DHs family are probably going through a lot and this just wasn’t something they thought a lot about. Have a chat with them – the last thing you’ll all want is to have drama around Thanksgiving after such a hard lead up to it all. Good luck! 

Post # 39
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I agree with PPs that you may want to rent a car, but I’m going to approach this a little less harshly.  Based on some comments, I’m getting the sense that your husband may not have the greatest relationship with his parents?  I’m wondering if that’s playing into his reaction and your response to the situation.

I’d recommend you try to imagine what his parents are going through right now.  His grandfather.  It’s always frustrating when plans change, especially at the last minute that involve spending some more money.  But in situations like this, it’s best to go with the flow and be flexible because that’s not what’s important.  What’s important is being supportive of family.  Again, if my assessment about your husband’s relationship with his family is accurate, that can change things, though I still think it should be set aside, personally, for what matters.

Stay at the house 30 minutes away.  Sister in law is an hour away, I think you said?  You’d have to get a rental car regardless, so it doesn’t make sense to pay for a hotel as well.  I get relying on family to drive you around when you visit (we usually do when visiting my in-laws) but some times you can’t do that.  Recognize they have a lot going on, not just emotionally but logistically with having the grandfather move in.  Accommodating for the holidays is probably low on their priorities right now.

I really think not going at all will create unnecessary drama.  Please don’t do that. (Unless, as I said, there’s relationship problems with his family – but even then, I’d say push those aside right now).  Grief affects people differently.  I work in a job where I work with grieving people.  Many talk about a fog, that sometimes lasts a while.  Your in-laws may be going through that right now as they prepare to say goodbye to the step grandmother.  Please be considerate of that even if you didn’t really know her.  And please even though other posters are harsh, they have some valid points and please don’t dismiss them.

Post # 40
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

You mentioned you wouldn’t mind staying on an air mattress instead. Have you or your husband asked if that could be an alternative? It sounds like they came up with the best solution they could see, but perhaps they’d be open to alternatives if you brought them up.

Post # 41
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

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PaperQueen :  Exactly this. OP, I would just ask. As having a toddler, I would be secretly thrilled about having to go home. It could go either way but you never know until you ask.

 

I will add though, before I get backlash for this, that personally my reaction would be just to suck it up and rent a car.

Post # 42
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Boohoo.

Post # 43
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee

Yikes, bee. You sound very entitled.

Just stay at the free house and rent a car. It’s cheaper than an $800/night hotel. And both of you need to drop the attitude before you go.

Post # 44
Member
13922 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It seems that the the SIL’s family  is staying for the entire holiday weekend, not just for the day. Perhaps the family wants to spend some quality time bonding with your young niece or nephew and  also thinks it would be uplifting for the grandfather.  A lot of people would prefer to have the privacy of a house all to themselves and apparently there is no need for a hotel. A half an hour away is nothing.  If your only issue is a car perhaps you can borrow or rent one. 

Post # 45
Member
7258 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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penguin8407 :  this is a great response.

OP – I think a lot of the responses here are unnecessarily harsh. Traveling 10 hours is NOT a small sacrifice to be making to go see family and I would be feeling some type of way about being put out of accommodations at the last minute as well. Also, people just saying “rent a car” or “rent a hotel room” sound pretty entitled, themselves. When you’ve already paid to travel, just shelling out more money to do what you were planning to do anyway doesn’t feel good- especially if you’re already feeling like you’ve been kicked out.

However, death trumps hurt feelings and while this situation may be opening old wounds for your husband, this is a major event that takes precedence and it would be best for you and your husband to find the least disruptive solution. So, if you have the money to do so, I would rent a car and stay at the house 30 minutes away. You may find it a more pleasurable experience than staying in the house with people for your entire trip. You can come and go as you please, sleep in a bit or get over to the house to help out with things.

Do not ask your SIL to go home- that is furthering the ripples of disruption. I wouldn’t even ask to sleep on an air mattress. They aren’t very comfortable, you likely won’t sleep well and will feel even more like you are in the way.

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