Thanksgiving Family Drama

posted 1 year ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

We lost my sister a week before thanksgiving last year- and the fog is definitely real. Planning a funeral and making arrangements while you’re processing a sudden death- that’s very heavy shit man. I am actually very surprised they’re hosting anyone at all since they’re moving their elderly relative- who has just lost their partner and now life as he knows it has changed forever. It also sounds like they had to travel to go get him- across the country… People have good suggestions about staying in the empty house and also trying to be a help as much as you can. Money doesn’t mean shit. Family does, and I cannot fathom what last holiday season would have been like if my friends and relatives hadn’t stepped in and done gracious selfless acts such as doing my dishes, bringing me meals, checking in on me and making sure I was eating and staying hydrated. Please think about what you can do to make this time easier, ESPECIALLY since this loss doesn’t greatly affect you emotionally. Your help and understanding during this time will mean more than words can EVER express. And that kind of support- THAT is what family is. 

Post # 47
Member
5187 posts
Bee Keeper

Goddamn. Why is everyone jumping down the OP’s throat? Sorry but it IS strange that her SIL is staying at the in-laws house when she lives only an hour away. I’ve managed to have children and drive hours with them, so that argument is laughable.

OP if money is a concern you could rent a car and stay at the sil’s house. I dont recommend an air mattress. Those things suck.

Post # 48
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

She’s moving her grieving elderly father into her home during holidays and STILL preparing a meal? Personally I’d graciously tell my mother in that situation to not even worry about me or my accommodations I’ll get it all squared away and to focus on my grandpa and her. Th is even offer to help the SIL do the work at her house so mom wasn’t taking on way too much. 

short end of the stick? Death outweighs any family hierarchy feelings. Jeesh. 

Post # 49
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
keysha :  I’m so sorry for your loss. 

Post # 50
Member
842 posts
Busy bee

So I’m can see where OP is coming from although she is stating in a way that seems to lack compassion for the situation

It seems like OP and her husband confirmed they would have a free place to stay which didn’t require renting a car prior to booking plane tickets. Now after the tickets have been booked they’re told they have to stay in a hotel ($800 a night wtf?!) or stay in a house 30 minutes away that would require renting a car to get back and forth to which during holidays especially can be very expensive.  Everyone saying just shell out more money does sound entitled, I mean not everyone just has money to throw around at those things. 

Yet SIL has a house and presumably a car close by. So what if she has a kid, as the only child in my family without kids I get sick of that somehow being a trump card. Idk maybe my family’s different but my parents would just set up an air mattress and we’d make due, not ideal but they’d never tell me I CAN’T stay at their house 

Post # 51
Member
2973 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with the latest comments. It’s weird that SIL family gets free accommodation in the home when they live a relatively short distance, while you and fi, who’ve already paid for plane tickets and are coming from a lot farther away are being asked to stay elsewhere. I am wondering based on some things in the OP if there’s a history of your husbands parents giving SIL “special treatment” at DH’s expense, and that’s why this is so upsetting to him. 

with that being said, I also understand the backlash OP is getting to some degree because there’s barely any acknowledgement of what her in laws are going through between grieving this loss and moving an elderly family member into their home…while still hosting thanksgiving. I think if OP had worded things more sensitively, the responses would be much different. Basically this whole thing sounds like a clusterfuck with many layers to unpeel and we are only seeing a slice of it. 

Post # 52
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

If your DH is insulted about the extra money you have to spend, why on Earth would you opt for the more expensive option? If you get a hotel, you’ll still need a car to get to the family’s house, no? Why not take them up on the offer for the free house and either rent a car for the visit or Uber back and forth? Either option won’t cost you close to $800. And a half hour isn’t really that far. 

Post # 53
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like emotions and irrational reactions are running high considering the circumstances. I don’t really blame anyone in this scenario, and think you and your dh just need to take a deep breath. Can SIL stay in the empty house since she’s got a car? I haven’t read all 4 pages…has it been addressed why you can’t stay in the empty house and rent a car? May not be ideal but it’ll probably be waaaay cheaper than a hotel in the long run…and it’s a whole house!
 Your family needs you there, and bailing just because you’re sour about sleeping arrangements would be irrational…It’s definitely worth trying to work something out. 

Post # 54
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

I would book a hotel and rent a car but cut the trip short by days if money is an issue or skip the trip altogether. 

Post # 55
Member
13922 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Everyone thinking how strange it is that SIL’s family was offered the room first is forgetting a few things. First, they are not just staying for the day, they seem to be planning to stay for the entire holiday. With all that’s going on rather than cancel the holiday maybe SIL is needed there to help with the grandfather, and to cook, clean and help host. A bit lost in all this seems to be the fact that the mother in law just flew the across country to handle a devastating event, and bring her father home. The fact that she’s still opening her home to have the holiday is remarkable. 

Second, they may be prioritizing your niece or nephew’s company, not that of their more local parents. A holiday weekend under the same roof with a young grandchild is something they may have promised to him or her and been very much looking forward to before this tragedy. As I said before, they may feel it’s also good medicine for the grandfather. 

But if a car rental would bust the budget, rather than cancel, perhaps that’s a logistic to discuss rather than seething in silence. Maybe one of your in laws could lend you one of their cars at night. Maybe they’d offer to pay. It’s possible they have no idea what hotels and car rentals cost on a holiday weekend. It’s not surprising under the circumstances that they haven’t considered every detail. 

Post # 56
Member
4041 posts
Honey bee

There is a lot to unpack here, but when it comes to grief and tragedy, people don’t necessarily think straight.  I would extend everyone some grace during this time.

And if taking an uber or renting a car is an imposition, I would cancel the trip and visit another time when things have settled down.  

 

Post # 57
Member
842 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
weddingmaven :  no I didn’t forget any of those things. Those things also don’t make the burden now placed on OP and her husband after having already booked plane tickets any less true either.

Post # 58
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
buzzerbeater :  I think more posters would sympathize with OP if it weren’t for her shitty attitude. Yes there is an additional obstacle for her and her husband with the change in plans, but their “burden” is her focus. There doesn’t seem to be much compassion for the tragedy her in laws are experiencing. She has been offered several alternatives and if none of them work, she should frankly just stay home. It’s that simple. They are adults capable of doing some problem solving. 

Post # 59
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

View original reply
angieawesome :  thank you very much

Post # 60
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This whole thing is confusing. Why? Because If my parents hurt my feelings over anything I would just pick up the freaking phone and call them to talk about it. If your husband is upset he can call his parents about it. OP doesn’t need to be involved with this at all. 

OP I don’t think you were clear enough about the SIl in your post. Sounds like your husband feels his sister always gets special treatment. People tend to be like that when a child is involved. But also if you all are spending a few days together I understand why SIl doesn’t want to drive 2 hours each day to hangout with everyone. Looks like the nearby family home can be set up for visitors during the holidays. But again, your husband needs to call his parents and talk things over. I can’t imagine stewing in my feelings and making a huge deal out of something when I could just pick up the phone and talk to my parents. 

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