Thanksgiving Stand Off w/ Fiancé. HELP!

posted 3 months ago in Weddingbee
Post # 46
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

Why don’t you just drive to your Mom’s Wednesday night or Thursday morning, and then leave after dinner Thursday to go back home? This way, your Fiance gets to be with you on Thanksgiving and your mom gets to have her big Thanksgiving with everyone there. 4 hours isn’t that long of a drive and I think this is the only option that will make everyone happy in this situation. 

Post # 47
Member
4042 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

If your husband wants to be with you so bad on thanksgiving he can go with you and you can just drive back that evening. It really doesn’t sound like a big deal and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It sounds like this thanksgiving is important to your family and if you are spending Christmas with your husbands family he should make the effort to do this thanksgiving with yours. 

Post # 48
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Update?

Post # 49
Member
46 posts
Newbee

butterbean86 :  I wouldn’t leave my SO alone on the holiday if it mattered to him.  Four hours is not so far that you can’t do both. 

option one- you and SO go Wednesday night and go back home Thursday night. Don’t do this one if you’ll back out and let him go back home alone. 

option two- you and SO wait til after work Thursday and go through the weekend. 

In some ways this comes down to what your priorities are. For me, I would never tell or expect my Fiance to suck it up and be alone if he already expressed that it was problematic for him. We are the home team and that’s my top priority. So, we would work together to figure out a solution for us.  I think a more “we” than “me” approach would help find a solution that would allow you to spend the holiday with him and your mom.

Post # 50
Member
46 posts
Newbee

butterbean86 :  wait, is he a boyfriend? That’s different. My Fiance and I are in a permanent relationship and so our family unit is my priority. We are getting legally married but already function as a spousal unit in every way. My answer was based on a Fiance or husband. 

I would not make the same rules for a boyfriend. With a boyfriend you can do whatever you want.

Post # 51
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I don’t blame him for not wanting to make that drive on Thanksgiving and not wanting to be left alone, but I don’t blame you for wanting to spend time with your family.  Anyway you can drive up Wednesday evening, stay the night and leave by 6 on Thanksgiving?  I know it’s a lot of driving, but it isn’t unrealistic.  Lots of people do it. Or could you go up the weekend after with him, assuming he has off Saturday and Sunday?

Post # 52
Member
1985 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If it matters so much to him, he should consider asking off next year for the day after Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, it’s not fair for him to guilt you just because he can’t get the day off. I often work on the holidays. My husband doesn’t love it, but he accepts it. We just have our holiday celebration on another day. For example, I work Thursday, Friday, Saturday of Thanksgiving Week, so we often go out on a Sunday to have turkey dinner. 

Post # 53
Member
10989 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

simplebee92 :  They are not married. The title of the post says fiancé, but the content refers to him as her SO, so I don’t even know if they are actually officially engaged and OP has not come back to say. 

I agree that loyalty is with a spouse and in a choice between two families an engaged couple would typically be together as well, but this is different. The SO or fiancé or whatever he is is not receptive to driving and will not be working on Thursday. With no children involved, unless there is some medical issue, and considering how much it means to OP and her family, it would be nice if he made the effort. 

For the record, I’d stay home for a spouse or if the logistics were such that a fiancé could not travel at all. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. 

Post # 54
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven :  So what you’re saying is that if you live with your boyfriend but he’s not your fiance or spouse, it just actually doesn’t matter because you get to do whatever you want?

Nah, pass. My boyfriend and I have been together and lived together for 2 years and plan to get married. I wouldn’t just treat him differently because he didn’t put a ring on it yet. We’re still a family unit, and I would still respect him like he is my significant other. Plenty of people go 10+ years without marrying, or ever, and they are still a family unit.

Post # 55
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

My extended family is a 4-5 hour drive from me. Darling Husband and I drive up Wednesday afternoon or evening (normally we work a half day and go Wednesday afternoon but have gone Wednesday evening). We spend Thanksgiving with my family and then go home around 5pm. It’s a long couple days but we get to spend the holiday with them so it’s worth it to us. Last year we were having such a good time we didn’t leave until 8pm, still wasn’t the end of the world. 

We both have Friday off but we like to get back to have the weekend and don’t like to spend another night in the hotel. We host my parents and his immediate family on Saturday.

If I were you, I’d do a quick trip with SO and drive at night or I’d go up by myself on Friday. 

Post # 56
Member
4443 posts
Honey bee

Any update op? I like the idea of driving together then back again so he can work. I don’t like the idea of missing it. The first holiday with thst empty chair when you lose someone is absolutely the hardest. At least it was for me after we lost my dad. It’s nice and essential to be together that day. Its hard to explain to someone that hasn’t lost anyone. Show him this post at least. We didnt do anything that first Thanksgiving and it was hard to look at the empty spot even in the living room. It was nice to just even sit with family. I can’t even imagine losing a child,  so if your Fiance is reading this  your girlfriend fiances mom really needs this. It’s the first year and it is SO hard. 

Post # 57
Member
10989 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

simplebee92 :  I’m speaking on the presumption that there is no commitment. I would personally not choose to be with someone for years without one. But you can define your relationship however you want. 

Post # 58
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I feel that you should make the drive with SO, and then work together on a plan for future holidays. Right now your mom needs you and he needs to make an exception. I don’t understand why you can’t leave at 6 AM on Thanksgiving, hang out all day, and then leave around 9 PM. You can drive and he can rest and be bed by 1 AM. Will he be tired on Friday? Yes. So will everyone who is working Friday. He will be fine. Who is that dramatic about going to bed late on one work night?

Post # 59
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven :  A marriage isn’t the only thing that defines committment in a relationship, that was my only point. 🙂

Post # 60
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

simplebee92 :  I noticed this too. I live with my bf of two years and if he did something under the excuse that “well we’re not married then there wouldn’t be a marriage…

Regardless I think they should drive separately tonight and he go back by himself for work while she stays. If she can get public transport even better. Thanksgiving is a whole weekend to me 🙂

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