Post # 1
So as a bit of background, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have talked about marriage and kids alot, he is going to be 34 this year and I will be 30. We know what we want to take the next step and we agreed that we would get married in 2011. GREAT! I thought.. we’ve got a timeframe. And then I turned into a crazy woman. I thought about getting engaged all the time, I considered dates, venues etc. I thought it would happen soon. I read Mr Bee’s advice and got advice of friends and thought I was doing really well with the whole ‘don’t mention it’ vibe. But I guess I wasn’t doing as well as I thought..my SO had said to me awhile ago he was going to whisk me away somewhere this weekend coming, and I was really excited!! I thought OMG he’s actually planned something. Then this week he admitted that he hadn’t actually planned anything- not even booked anything for our weekend away. I was gutted, I really thought he had a plan. So basically a massive argument ensued- me frustrated at his apparent lack of doing anything, him frustrated at me bringing it up all the time. He said I was nagging him and not giving him enough space to plan a surprise for me. I have said to him I don’t want a flash proposal or an expensive ring, I just want to get this show on the road. BUt I think me constantly bringing up the subject is putting pressure on him and actually delaying the whole process. I’ll admit- I have mentioned it from time to time- some bitter comments, some nice comments. I just can’t help it! (bearing in mind we said we might get married in September and that is only 6 months away)
so that’s it, I’m done. There is no way I am going to get the proposal I so want if I keep talking about it. I realise this is a fundamental rule of waiting and I can’t believe I’ve broken it. In Jaunary, I made a mental timeline to not mention anything til Easter and I really wish I had stuck to it. I feel like a proposal might not be far away now and all I need to do is keep quiet. Im going to bite my tongue everytime I feel like I wanted to say something. We are going away this weekend, he did book something in the end, but Im not expecting anything and Im not saying anything!!
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way…
For what it’s worth, Fiance and I were together for over 4 years before he proposed. We too had talked about kids, and marriage. But we never had a time-line.
Honestly, I never felt like I was “waiting”. We were together, meant to be forever, we both knew that our relationship was the most important thing, and that was all that mattered.
The ring is just a bonus!
Hang in there!
Post # 4
you got this. it’s coming!
Post # 5
Im going to say this over and over and over. Why does the guy have to propose? Isnt this a mutual decision? Dont you both know when the time is right? It just seems to me that marriages should be based on both knowing its the right thing to do.
What is wrong with saying to your SO. “I want to to start planning our life together, and the next step is a wedding, what kind do you want”.
I dont know if its the feminist in me, or the salesperson, but it seems like waiting for Prince Charming to close the sale just doesnt work.
Just my .02 from far along life’s trail
Post # 6
Weirdly enough the timeline seems to have made me more crazy because I feel like 2011 is tick tocking away and I have been freaking out about finding a date that my loved ones can make etc.
I mentioned to my SO about my gay BFF (who would be my bridesman) going travelling for 6 months in September.. i.e ‘I hope we can make plans before he makes plans’..ie WHEN CAN WE OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE IT and set a date??. and my SO hit the roof, he said I was ruining it. And I totally was.. I realise that now! dammit
Post # 7
Honestly I think every waiting bee has their “peak” and then they have a breaking point where they decide they are just going to go with the flow, forget about wedding and everything related and just chill out. Fiance and I never fought about wedding stuff or anything before we were engaged but I knew myself that I was creating unnecessary stress in my life and in his so I said forget it, I know my man wants to get married one day and until then I’ve got the best boyfriend I could ask for. A month or so after I made the conscious decision to literally let go of my wedding ideas until I was engaged, he proposed.
Hang in there and give him some slack, your proposal will come.
Post # 8
First of all, enjoy your weekend with your SO. I completely understand waiting is challenging, but think of how happy you are to have found someone who you love just as much as he loves you, if not more. I have heard from a few girls pressuring their men to propose and later regretting that decision. It just sucked the surprise factor out of the proposal. Yes, there are men who are in need of a little nudge, but I don’t think that’s the case with you. You said you two talk about future plans and have talked about tentative wedding date this year.
I can’t give you a concrete advice, but only that if you want your SO to propose, let him do it on his own time. He’ll be proud of himself and you’ll know that he’s taking full ownership and taking the commitment seriously. In the end, many years together, you’ll be glad that you let go. Constantly talking about it to him will not only cause anxiety in you, but also take away the joy in planning for him. I have found that men don’t like told what to do.
Just enjoy your weekend and when you get an urge to say something to him and can’t contain it, call one of your friends or come to WB to vent. I think it’s safe to assume that we can relate more than a man can.
Post # 9
@MrsSawyer: I totally agree, that’s exactly where I am.
Post # 10
I agree! It’s hard. I’ve been there and I’m there now. My SO is unforturnately out of work. I’ve been nagging for about 6 months but I need to let it go. Yet after being together so long it’s hard. We’ve been together 3 1/2 years. I’m like what the freak is the deal! After reading somethings from Mr. Hedge I realize that men don’t take pressure to well as I can see with my current situation. So TRY your hardest to be quiet. I think I will until our 4 year anniversary which is a little over 4 months away. I know he’s just not starting to work but he needs to grind and show me that he’s committed (i.e. working OT, 2 jobs, etc.) because we’ve been talking about this since last summer. Went ring shopping twice and everything. And then come the new year I realized he hadn’t saved a dime. So I told him how I felt and I think he understands. We’ll see….
Good Luck and hang in there!!!! Silence is a virtue!!!
Post # 11
absolutely, thank you. I know he wants to do it and its partly a pride thing. He knows everyone will ask ‘how did he do it’ and I know he wants to make it special for me because he loves. I’ve seen friends get engaged, and their FIs are so pleased with themselves afterwards 🙂 their chests are puffed up with pride! and I think my SO is like that
Post # 12
I have tried proposing to him, I have my grandmothers engagement ring, I put it in his cup of tea on NYE 🙂 but he was just confused when I did that and adamant- he wants to ask my Dad first and he wants to do it.
I also said to him, I didn’t even need a proposal, we could just plan a wedding! but he’s not having any of it. Its his chance to shine isn’t it, he’s being stubborn. And see my earlier reply- its a pride thing for him. I promise I have tried!
Post # 13
Keeping my mouth shut has been the hardest part of this entire process. It’s not really in my nature to not be agressive and drive things forward myself.
I’m pretty good at not bringing it up very often, but about once a week I’ll make a snide or sarcastic comment and I really hate that I do it. For example last night we were out and I saw what I assumed was a family–mom, dad, and two kids–until I heard the mom say that “Rob” would do something. I told my Boyfriend or Best Friend something about how it must be hard to date with older kids because introducing them to new men must be a bog deal, etc. And he said something like: “Maybe she’s just their aunt and that’s her boyfriend. It could be like if I took my nephew out and you were with me.” I reponded with: “If your nephew is that old and I’m still your girlfriend I’m going to be really upset.”
He did tell me that I wouldn’t have to wait that long, and I know that now so why can’t I stop with the comments? (For the record, his nephew is 2 and those kids looked like they were 8-10.)
And to reiterate what I’ve said over and over: I don’t have a problem proposing to my Boyfriend or Best Friend. He does. In the past I’ve tried to gauge how receptive he would be to me doing the proposing and each time he was adamant that he would not want that to happen. I kind of knew that going in–he’s pretty traditional–but I had to give it a shot.
Post # 14
Pleaes don’t hate me for saying this…. I think he had something planned this weekend but it sort of got ruined now. So he will cancel those plans NOW. And try to figure out how to re-plan. But you are closer than you think. (If he were my Fiance, I am sure he would do something like that.)
Post # 15
Hang in there and try hard not to mention anything engagement/wedding related for a while. I know it’s tough, but it looks like it’s coming soon and he wants to make it a special surprise. If you need to talk about it – come to WB! Good luck!
Post # 16
Just try not to be too hard on yourself. This waiting thing is not the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it certainly isn’t easy. A slip up here and there isn’t anything to beat yourself up about.