(Closed) That’s it, I’m not staying quiet anymore. Vive la revolution!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I was so exactly where you are last year!!!  yes, totally talk about it with him. My tip: don’t start blubbing hysterically like I did! Not helpful!!! totally freaked him out…. and yep, he may well have forgotten. You could even try bringing it up as a joke, like, “hey I just looked at the calendar today and guess what?!  the 6 month point of your timeline has started ticking!  hope you’ve started putting some money aside for that ring, ha ha!”  then change the subject to something else.  quickly.  because then you’ve made your point without it becoming an argument (which I somehow never managed to do – it ALWAYS became an argument for us, so I’d love to help someone not make my mistakes). And then start doing a monthly countdown.

Post # 4
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

oh and I just remembered, we also renegotiated our timeline. which he wasn’t happy about at the time. but i realised that we had set a date SO FAR in the future (which ironically, is now the month AFTER our actual wedding date!!!) that I couldn’t deal with it.  it was just so far away to me, and after our initial agreement i found it still bothered me. and i thought, there is no way in hell i can wait until 2012 to be engaged.  so i brought it up again, and totally acknowledged that i was changing the goalposts but said i was just trying to be honest about how i was feeling and that for me, it just felt too damn far away.  he was actually pretty understanding about that.  after our initial conversations he was planning to do it sooner anyway, but i didn’t know that so it way ok.  don’t worry, you can do this!!  and if this is the guy you want to spend your life with, you may as well be honest about how excited you are to start doing that sooner rather than later.  πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think if you love each other and you’re happy, you should maybe forget about timelines and just enjoy each other and the relationship instead. If you feel like the relationship has reached the point where you need to take it a step further or step away from it altogether, that’s something else, and that does need to be talked about.

But I don’t think it’s worth creating artificial pressure because once upon a time you arbitrarily decided something had to happen at three years and he told you (and this sounds like a “I have no idea what she’s talking about so I will make up an answer and god I hope it’s the right one,” kind of answer) he needed six months to two years.

And really, your whole post is doing my head in, like one of those math book word problems:

Girlfriend G in relationship X has a timeline of 3 years, while Boyfriend B, also in relationship X, has a timeline of 2 years plus 6 months to 2 years. Please solve for the velocity of the engagement (E) in relationship X. Show your work.

πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

and you know what, I think 6 months – 2 years is such a huge window!!  when we made our decision and timeline (and i know a lot of people don’t ‘approve’ of timelines or whatever, but it’s what worked for us), we chose a date two years in the future (july 2012). which in the heat of the moment, yep was kind of arbitrary. It was only when I sat down and thought wow, if he does wait until end of june 2012, and I need at least a year or more to plan a wedding (because our families live in all different countries and need lots of advance notice), and he’s already said he wants us to be married before we have kids, then that means we won’t even start trying to conceive until I’m 36!!!  which for me, personally, was way too late.  

so when I put a new timeline to him, it included things like time to plan wedding (at least 1 year), trying to have kids (again, at least a year normally from ttc to actual child appearing), buying a house, etc. and that really helped him see things logically and clearly because before it was all so vague in his mind and he just hadn’t thought about biological clocks or anything at all. ever.  sometimes they really do need stuff to be pointed out to them!   and being logical and clear and explaining about the planning (because he honestly believed that we would get married a few MONTHS after being engaged, he didn’t know how long it takes to sort out weddings, even small ones) really helped.  so I just said I needed to get things clear in my head, and even things like my job, i need to have a job where i get maternity leave and stuff, and it was making it difficult for me to figure out my future with such a vague (to me) timeline.  

Post # 11
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@claireos: does he not realize you want to get married?  I couldn’t quite follow what you meant by you guys don’t talk about it.

Personally, I don’t think all guys work well with timelines.  It’s like you are forcing them to do something on your schedule and most will buck at that.

I think if you’ve made it clear that you are dating TO get married and not just dating to date (if that’s how you feel), then YOU are the one that has to give yourself a timeline.

 

Post # 13
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@claireos:  same here!  I am in a fixed term contract, my family can’t afford to fly out whenever (like you, immediate family) and we have to plan visits way in advance so if they knew a wedding was coming up then it would definitely influence their decisions on when and where to visit, etc.  For us, we have a really small wedding planned, we got engaged in Feb this year but it’s not happening until june 2012 next year – and now I know that, I also know that I need a permanent contract job soonish as I was to start ttc straight after the wedding.  and because of leaving my job soon, it means if we want to buy a house we have to do it now, because mortgage companies (in the UK anyway) won’t give you a mortgage unless you’ve been in your job at least a year.  So, we need to buy a house, then I get a new job, then we get married but it’s all very complicated!  

my FI’s timeline when I met him was five years for some reason and it was totally arbitrary. i think he just picked a nice, far away time so that he didn’t have to think or actually do or plan anything!!

Post # 15
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@claireos: when you gave him your 3-year timeline, did you expect something to happen right away?  If I’m following you – your 3-year will be next summer and you just had the conversation.  My guess is that he has not forgotten about your timeline and will get his act together without the added reminder or inquiry.

My other question is – what did he say, when you told him about your 3-year timeline?  When you say you want to find out if his thought have changed – what thoughts are you wondering have changed?

My honest opinion is that you don’t say anything at all.  He doesn’t need to be reminded.

IMO, what you need to find out is IF he wants to get married (at all).  If he does, then I would STRONGLY suggest not bringing it up at all.

I will add – that I, too, had a 3-year timeline.  DH knew about it and it came and it went.  I let it slide, because he was going through some really tough financial things – but even still, he figured out a way to make it work. My 3-year turned into a 4-year absolute  – and I was ready to bounch.  He proposed at 3-years 7 months and I’m so glad it didn’t drag out to that 4-years (I wonder if I really would have walked away, though …)

Post # 16
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I never really understood hiatuses from talking about it. I think as long as someone isn’t getting obsessive and neurotic about it, it helps to keep the lines of communication open. If you make it this secret, furtive thing, he might start thinking that way too. If you talk about it as though it’s the most natural thing in the world, he will probably pick up on that as well. It’s been long enough. By now, he either knows he wants to be with you, or he’s pretty sure he doesn’t. (I think he probably does!) If you initiate casual conversation about it on a semi regular basis, it’ll either keep it front-of-mind if he wants to do it, or it will help him realize you’re serious and the two of you have an irreconcilable difference in opinion if he doesn’t want to do it. 

As someone who works in advertising, let me assure you: You MUST get your message out there, loud and clear. The way to nudge someone into taking action is NEVER to keep quiet about it.

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