(Closed) THATS IT! Is it to late to cancel everything and elope!?

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Well, it seems like you have a lot of wedding drama that is not about you and your fiancee. I say, scratch the whole wedding party and refocus – its about your marriage, not about dresses, not about expenses that you could do without, not about flightly family. Time to reassess what this wedding is about, and perhaps bring it back to the basics. Just my two cents.

Post # 4
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

B-R-E-A-T-H-E!!!

i hate to sound like an apathetice bride-to-be, but it’s "just your wedding day"…it doesnt mean all the days after your wedding day are (your marriage) is cursed! 

so what do you WANT to do versus what you think you should do? before thinking and over-analyzing – what is your gut instinct telling you??  Have you talked to the hubbs about it??

focus on what’s more important to you – the "show" of the wedding or having your sisters take part in the ceremony?

what would you gladly say g’bye to (favors, martini luge, candy buffet, etc) in order to have your sisters stand next to you up there while you’re saying your vows?

It’s not the end of the world hon!!  talk it over with your FH and see what suggestions he comes up with…

It’ll all be ok!!

 

Post # 5
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Hi there.  I have been reading your posts for a while, and while  I completely understand how upseting all of this can be, I think what you really need right now is to step back, take a deep breath and stop everything (for a day).  Stop thinking about dress orders and budgets, in fact, I think you should just cancel your dress appt. all together.  Like you said, your one sister is pregnant, &  the other still growing.  Most likely, their dresses will not fit either of them in a few months if they get measured now. 

Once you remove the urgency of coordinating the dress order I suggest you take a day to veg-out and really contemplate what you want out of you wedding day.  Would you prefer to have a perectly coordinated bridal party? Or would you prefer to have your sister, whom you’ve dreamed of being able to stand up with you, stand there in perhaps a nice dress that she already owns?  Really try to decide for yourself what is most important, and don’t let anyone or anything persuade you.  Then, once the high tensions have eased and you have gathered your thoughts, I suggest you gather your mother, step-mother and sisters, explain to them (calmly and lovingly) what you have decided.  You should also explain to them that you can no longer afford (financially or emotionally) to have any more budget "misunderstandings", and therefore you will not accept any additional offers from them to pay for anything.  I realize that your budget is tight, but anything is possible if you are willing to make some compromises.  Also, not relying on them for $, will ensure that you can’t be disappointed by them in the future.  Good luck, and remember that as bad as this feels right now, you won’t remember any of it when you are looking into your FH eyes on your wedding day.

Post # 6
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - in the woods

To save some money, could the girls wear shoes they already own? Did you look on ebay to see if they have bridesmaid dresses you like? Remember, you can always sell them again after the wedding! Can the bridesmaids chip in a little money for their dresses? It doesn’t all have to fall on you!

Post # 7
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Oh, I totally feel for you!  How frustrating!  And I joke (half-seriously) about wanting to cancel the whole thing after a bad dress-shopping experience.

I know that for me, the added responsibility of coordinating a whole "bridal party" just seemed un-doable from the start.  My Fiance had a picture of his brother and son and four best friends all in tuxes.  After a lot of discussion (and his realization that he didn’t want to organize that either, but was sort of figuring that I would handle it) we concluded that the MOST important people to us are his brother, and my sister.  We are having them stand up for us, and that’s all.  From that point things got so much simpler.  Now his brother, and my dad for that matter, just need to wear a nice, dark suit.  I gave my sister a selection of colors, and after a lot of emailing back and forth of pictures we picked a nice Ann Taylor dress she likes.  And everybody else will celebrate with us, and is involved in different ways, as much or as little as they can afford to be given money and time and location (his son is helping us select the playlist for the band; his friends are currently planning the world’s best golf weekend for a bachelor party, and are totally obsessed with that).  I don’t think anybody is disappointed.

However, my vision of "our wedding" was always mostly about him and me.  I think that you really need to think about the picture in your head.  Do you need the matching attendants?  Do you need attendants at all?  Would you be just as happy holding your FIs hand in front of the minister without anybody else standing up there?  They will all be there, just a little farther away.  It is supposed to be a great day for you, and planning it is supposed to be fun!  If specific elements of your current plan are creating so much stress that you aren’t enjoying the process, it would probably be best to change your plan.  Trust me, everybody else will be happier too when you are not all fighting about this.

Post # 8
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I was going to suggest pretty much the same thing as alibride.  And I know this is not your original vision, but the girls are more important than the dresses they are wearing, so you could just do away with the official attire for them and let them just pick their own clothes but still have them stand up front with you.  Honestly, that would be okay 🙂  As they say, "clothes do not make a man" and having matching dresses do not make a maid of honour or a flower girl.  It’s not the dress that defines their role but their importance in your life.  I don’t think you need to cancel anything but the dress appointments.

And your marriage is not doomed just because you’re having wedding budget difficulties.  Remember these problems are arising due to financial difficulties on the part of your parents/step-parents.  Once you are married, you and Sweeney will be managing your own finances so these types of problems are not a sign of things to come.

Post # 9
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I agree with all of the above; the planning is overwhelming you, and you might want take a step back and put everything on hold for a bit.  Your wedding is still months and months away; there’s no need to be this crazy already–this level of stress and drama for seven months is going to give you a heart attack.

If no one can pay for the dresses, then don’t have the dresses.  Matching dresses do not make a wedding, and I agree with those who have said the dresses won’t fit a growing girl and a pregnant woman months from now anyway.  If you insist on ordering the dresses now you will only buy more stress down the road: I ordered my bridesmaids dresses in October for a February wedding, and in the intervening time one of my bridesmaids lost twenty pounds, and the dress is so huge on her it will cost more than the cost of the dress to alter it to fit.  We are hoping her mom can do it for her, but I’ve already told her if she can’t, she is free to buy a similarly colored dress on eBay.  Having the people you care about stand up for you is more important than a cookie cutter look.  Your guests will not care that they did not have matching dresses; they will care if you are miserable and freaking out on your wedding day.

Post # 10
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008
Post # 12
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I think that you need to realize that your inability to come to some sort of comprise and your desire to be a little "selfish" and have the day exactly how you want it is what will be breaking your sisters hearts.  If that is what you want, then so be it.  You are blaming your mothers for all of this, and even if it is rightfully so,  when it comes down to it, your sisters will blame you for excluding them. 

I was in a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding where the bride had an unwaivering "it’s MY day" mentality.  3 years later, her actions still negatively affect her relationship with her entire bridal party and some family members.  But, her marriage is great and she is seemingly happy. 

Post # 13
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Well, the thing is you can only have what you can afford.  If your dream exceeds your budget then you can freak out and refuse to accept the situation, or you can make the necessary changes and move on. 

If you would honestly rather cut the girls out of the wedding than have them stand up with you in non-matching dresses, then you are allowed to make that choice.  I understand that it will bother you if your girls aren’t all wearing the dresses you chose – it would totally bother me too if I were in your shoes.  The point I’m trying to make though, is that won’t it also bother you if they’re not standing there at all?  If that is the case, then you need to realize that you have two options, neither of which is perfect, but you have to pick one of the options.  

I would encourage you to take a step back from this for a day or two and allow yourself to simmer down (nobody makes the best decisions when they are in the heat of the moment) and then really assess your priorities and make sure that you won’t regret the decision later on.  I mean really think about WHY you want all the details intact.  I’m just wondering if it is to impress your guests or appease your family or something like that… I had that pressure too and once I realized that I didn’t have to impress anyone, then I let a lot of things go.  There were still things that were important to me – I didn’t let EVERYTHING go!  But just figure out if there are some things you can let go of that might not really upset you much if they were missing.  Like favours or something.

Remember, this too shall pass 🙂

Post # 13
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Sweeney2Be,

I completely understand that it is YOUR wedding and you should do what you want to do.  However family is family.  If you really want them in your wedding, then you should find a way for them to be in your wedding.  However it is not your responsibility to buy them a dress.  When you ask someone to be in your bridal party, they should understand there is some cost.  As for your 6 year old sister, do you want her in the bridal party, or does your mom?  Your sister is 6 yrs old and I know she wants to dress up, but she ultimately doesn’t understand how important this day is to you.  I think she will understand when she gets older, when she’s in your shoes. 

By The Way, you don’t need to have a Bridal Party. Many people don’t.  The most important thing about this wedding is you and your fiance—the actual vows and ceremony.  

Another note: your wedding is in august.  You have time.  You don’t need to buy the dresses this weekend.  I’m getting married in early sept (6) and haven’t even looked for any bm’s dresses or have my colors set.  Yes, I’m starting soon, but bm dresses take maybe 3 months to come in.  I’ve been in many weddings and they always come in at 2 or 3 months after ordering.  Relax and try to enjoy the process, otw you will burn out (if you haven’t already) 

Post # 14
Member
8 posts
Newbee

Would you feel better if you had cookie cutter dresses worn by other people who aren’t your sisters? Think carefully about this decision, I personally believe it will make or break your day…

 10 years down the line will you recall the food, the drinks, the accessories or will you remember the love and support you felt as you and your partner cemented your love for each other?

Post # 15
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I understand you are upset and irritated, but seriously… this is NOT important.  And I mean the whole wedding production.  Very little of it matters, really.  I got married with 7 other people in attendance, no bridal party, super simple, and I could not be happier.  We are all just spinning on a planet in space!   When I get stressed out, it always helps me to think about that 🙂  I agree with the others — just step back for awhile, cancel that Saturday appointment, and think about it next week.

And also, YES, you can still elope.  Feel free (in more ways than one)!

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