(Closed) The "after 30" unknown is so scary…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion

I feel your pain and I have been there. In the same way that he needs to detox from substances, you need to detox from him. Be strong and don’t go back. Even if he does get clean, the nagging doubt will still be there in the back of your mind. I have dated an addict, and it was awful. After we broke up, he did get clean for a while, but then he eventually relapsed and passed away. I have also been in other long term relationships where substances were not the problem but rather the same problems re-occurring again and again. I left my last BF when I was 34 because I realized that there was no hope for things becoming the way I wanted them to be. I am currently 35 and engaged. I met my Fiance about two and a half months after leaving my ex-BF, moving back home after living in another state… So, yes, I definintely started from scratch. Incidentally Fiance was married to an alcoholic so experienced a lot of the same things that I did. Stay strong and have faith. Things will get better for you. Do not go back to your ex. 🙂

Post # 32
355 posts
Helper bee

Don’t get hung up on the him going to rehab thing. I’ve known quite a few drug addicts and lived with one for 2 years. Not one of them ever got clean or changed their life around after rehab. It doesn’t matter if it’s the best, most expensive rehab in the country, it doesn’t do a thing in the long run if the person doesn’t want to change. Most addicts go to rehab simply to satisfy the wants of their loved ones and that’s not enough to stay clean. Forget him and move on! I bet the love of your life is out there. You’ll find him. Thirty is the perfect time to start over.

Post # 33
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Beach

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soulful1 :  yes keep dreaming about your new life it’s so worth it. I started over at 30 I am now engaged at 36 I wouldn’t change anything except the time and myself that I wasted with pre 30 guy. After pre30 guy I was devastated but it was so much better. I sent myself to Europe twice! Alone! It was amazing!

Post # 34
1703 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 30. Don’t settle. 

Post # 35
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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soulful1 :  I left my ex when I was 31. We’d been together 9 years and he was an alcoholic and had relapsed, and he swore up and down that he could “fix it” on his own.   I’d heard that promise from him too many times before, and for some reason that last time I just didn’t believe him.  I remember looking at my life, and yes, I felt like starting over at 31 was scary.  I thought I would never meet anyone else, and that I wouldn’t be able to have kids because I wouldn’t have time since I was already 31.   Then I thought back to what he was like when he was drunk- violent, reckless, blowing through money, absent, etc, and I realized that things would never really change.  I realized that I didn’t want him to be the father of my children , I didn’t want to spend my life with him.  I realized that I didn’t even like him that much.  I guess that the moral of my story is that yes, starting over (at any age) is hard and scary.  But sometimes staying is an even worse option. 

Also, I met my husband three weeks after we broke up.  so a lot of the time, it does get better and you do meet someone who will treat you right and love you the way you’re meant to be loved.  Life goes on and sometimes it goes on in an even better way. 

Also just wanted to say I’m so sorry that you are going this.   I hope it gets better for you soon. 

Post # 36
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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soulful1 :  I didn’t meet my Fiance until I was 34!! Life doesn’t stop at 30 I promise 😀 you still have a decade before 40 so don’t panic. My Fiance and I want a couple of kids and so will start trying straight after our wedding when I will be 36. Don’t give up hope. Give yourself some time to get over your relationship that has ended and then dust yourself off and get back on the horse. You will be fine xxx

Post # 37
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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soulful1 :  I feel ya, girl. My ex and I split after almost 10 years together.  It was hell after we split, especially with having a younger child at the time.  We fought a lot, he tried to constantly rekindle our relationship but it just wasn’t there anymore.  We fought daily and always about the dumbest things.  He didn’t trust me at all, even though I hadn’t actually done anything to make him not trust me.  When I decided to go to school and better myself for our daughter he held it against me because he attempted to go to College and University multiples times without any success.  I was able to maintain a 4.0 GPA with having a child under the age of one while doing school from home.  When I moved into nursing I spent many long hours either at the school preparing for exams or practicals or at clinical doing research or “working”.  Because I was rarely home he started accusing me of cheating.  It was absolutely heart breaking knowing that I was trying to do something to make life easier for our family (money was horribly tight) and that’s how he decided to treat me.

We have been apart almost 4 years this upcoming August (we split up a year prior to this but I continued to live in the same house because of our daughter).  It was very tough at first.  There was A LOT of fighting but it eventually got easier.  I am now incredibly happy, engaged to literally the male version of myself and will be 31 next month.  I promise you that things will get easier and you will find something and someone better.  It may take a while but you’ll get there.  

Keep your chin up

Post # 38
839 posts
Busy bee

One of my brothers-in-law met his wife while they were both in their mid-30s. They had both been in other longterm relationships, which hadn’t worked out. Now, about 5 years later, they’re married and have two adorable children.

Post # 39
1015 posts
Bumble bee

I have two friends who started over in their early 30s. They are both far better off and have no regrets. The only regret you might encounter is if you stay with the guy, dont make that mistake. Age should be irrelevant when making such a decision.

Post # 41
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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soulful1 :  Glad you are listening to these helpful bees.  Trust your instincts with this situation and for future.  If you don’t feel someone is being genuine, you’re probably right!  This will help you with dating going forward.

I met DH just before my 31st birthday BUT before doing so, I had basically decided not to be miserable about being single, I embraced it.  Bought a condo downtown because it was something I’d dreamt of, being a part of that lifestyle.  Basically, I put myself right out there and thoroughly enjoyed those single days of doing whatever the heck I wanted.  Before I even moved into that condo (it was under construction, so it was a long process), we met.  We got engaged a year later, married and bought a house together a year later and now have a beautiful 10.5 month old boy 🙂 

There is definitely hope after 30, best of luck to you!

Post # 42
1189 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve rec’d some good advice and nice comments here, bee. For me, personally…. if I had married the guy I was dating when I was 21, or 25 or even 28…. I have no doubt that I’d be single now. In fact, I’d probably  be in jail for kiling one of those knuckleheads. 🙂 I, personally, think that we are better versions of ourselves in our 30’s. No offense at all to some of the younger bees out there, of course… but I made better decisions, was more confident, happier, etc. I think these things contributed to my ability to have a successful relationship. I married my dh at 35.

In terms of the rehab thing….. I had someone tell me once that DENIAL means Don’t Even (K)now It’s A Lie. Seriously, whether your bf is ‘actually’ an addict or not is irrelevant.  He clearly has some genuine difficulties that HE needs to figure out. He may not purposefully be trying to manipulate you… but I think he would tell you anything that you want to hear so that you won’t leave him. That’s the drugs talking. Tell him you wish him well in his recovery. Then go live your life. You sound like an amazing person and I wish you every happiness 🙂

Post # 43
7229 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’ve got a close friend who started over at 36 after leaving a relationship that was going nowhere. After that, she started dating for marriage, found a guy who was clear that he, also, was looking for marriage and they’re now married and have two children.

My cousin was in a long relationship with someone who wasn’t interested in marriage but she was. She spent years hoping he would change his mind. He didn’t. She finally moved on in her late-30s and, ten years later, is married and raising a son with her husband who was transferred to her job site. Before she met him, she was thinking she might not ever marry or have children and she was building a life for herself that included travel and adventure and plenty of good sex with handsome “maintenance” men.

If you stay with an addict, you will never have the life you want- you won’t be able to have children, or you may have them but you wont be able to trust him to keep them safe. You deserve much better than using up your precious life trying to take care of someone who cannot, for whatever reason, take care of himself. I hope you’ll keep us updated on your journey. I really love reading the posts where bees come back to share the progress they’ve made and the relief they feel once they finally get out of their toxic situations.

Post # 44
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I don’t totally count because I met my fiance two weeks before I turned 30. But I met someone at 26 who I knew was the one, and it ended up he wasn’t. I had built my life around the idea of being with him and it was so, so hard to move on. I promise that 30 is not the end of your life, it’s so much younger than we realize! I’m 34 now and I feel so glad to be so far beyond where I was at 30. It’s hard to look out of a dark hole but I promise it only gets better.

For what it’s worth, you’re doing the right thing to leave. An addict should only ever get better for themselves, and they need time to be on their own to really figure their stuff out. You didn’t force him to use, and regardless of anything he says (i saw your last post) he made the choice to use. NOTHING you did made him do it (unless you tied him down and forced cocaine up his nose, which you obviously didn’t). It’s him blaming someone else for his problems and as long as he does that, he’ll continue to use. He made the choice. 

You’ll do ok bee, I promise. And you’ll be so relieved when you see how much more simple your life is without an addict!

Post # 45
2957 posts
Sugar bee

I just posted something similar on another thread – OP, you can start over, or from the beginning, at any age. I was single as a dollar bill (or so it seemed) until I met my husband in my mid-30’s. I don’t feel behind, or old.

Also, your 30’s are great. I like to call them my “Zero fucks given” decade. 

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